I'll Give You One Consensual Blow Job For 15 Alleged Sexual Assaults:
Arnold Schwarzenegger, for whom being a fading action star means never having to mean "I'm sorry," is accused by 15 women, including radio shrink Dr. Joy Browne, of groping breasts and buttocks, attempting to strip off clothes, and acting like an asshole in a way that embarrasses all men. Lemme see if I understand most Republicans: they'll act like slavering bitches bowing at the Schwarzenegger altar, no matter how much group sex (which, c'mon, sounded like rape), sexual harassment, and bad movies he might have committed. Let's be straight here: Arnie wanted to fuck these women, all of them. And unlike, oh, Donald Rumsfeld, who has to masturbate under his desk whenever he gets the pictures of a particularly good interrogation of female Guantanamo prisoners, Arnie could have and would have fucked them if their reactions to his ass squeezes had been to grope his package; instead, they reacted with revulsion and he laughed it off, like the stereotype of every dickhead male with power who thinks women are his fuck toys. But George Bush, Bill Simon, and most Republicans you can name don't give a rat's ass: they want Arnie in, and, goddamnit, they'll get him in no matter how many minority voters are disenfranchised or scruples they have to abandon.

So the next time some conservative jerk-off is telling Janeane Garafolo or Sean Penn to stay out of politics, tell him to suck your dick and smack him in the face with a picture from this movie or this one or this one. Yeah, Repubs, you sold out your family values the first time you heard that oh-so-Nazi-esque voice coo to you and saw those Aryan teeth gleam your way.

I Guess He Shouldn't Have Tried To Beat Off the Tiger With a Microphone:
Here at the Rude Pundit, we know the injury of someone shouldn't be funny. But, you know, karma's a cruel bitch, and maybe Roy Horn of Siegfried and Roy shouldn't have been so damn proud of the fact that he had never even been scratched by a tiger. Maybe a few scratches would have in some way prevented the tiger from leaping to full-blown mauling. Of course, the humor value of something only stretches so far: sure, it's funny to sick fucks like us here that Roy the "tamer" was attacked while performing with one of the act's legendary white tigers in Las Vegas (with AP uncomfortably saying that he tried to "beat the animal off with a microphone"), and, hell, even the image of the tiger grabbing Horn by the neck and dragging him off stage made us chuckle. But, shit, then you hear that 200 people at their show are going to lose jobs in this Bush-fucked economy, and Horn didn't have the comedic timing to die, and lingering suffering, unless it's Ronald Reagan's, just isn't funny.
The funny story here.
The not-so-funny follow-up here.

And with all the coverage on the news channels of Roy's cat fight, you'd think the tiger had dragged John Ritter's still warm body out of the grave to chew on that. Be real: Roy getting mauled by a tiger is not news. This is news.