Sarah Palin and Donald Trump: 69ing on the Road to Hell

Pausing between licks on her clit, Donald Trump said to Sarah Palin, "Now, tell me. Is that not the best tasting dick you've ever had in your mouth?" Palin, into the task at hand, uttered a muffled affirmation that, yes, Trump's penis was indeed delicious. "You got that right," Trump continued. "I make sure to keep it nice and clean. I get this special soap just for the male private area from a place in Spain. And I eat lots of fruit. Blueberries. Kiwi. Only the best. So when I blow my huge load, it'll be like sweet yogurt. You'll be asking for seconds." Palin reached out a hand and started push Trump's back, indicating that his head should be buried in her snatch and not talking about his own prick, which, to be honest, she could barely keep hard. "Oh, right," Trump exclaimed. "You know you don't taste too bad, either. You could barely tell you had any kids, let alone ones like that big-headed boy. It's a well-maintained, top-shelf slit, and I should know." Palin hit him again, and he went about clumsily attempting to bring her to orgasm. That was the deal they made, and Trump knows all about the deal.

Palin didn't need to say much in her liaison with the leading Republican presidential candidate in a penthouse at the Ames Holiday Inn. And, indeed, if you had walked in on them, you'd have wondered if it was a pair of lovers giving oral pleasure or two leathery snakes eating other from the tail up. When she gave her endorsement to Trump in Iowa, Palin went on, at length, about...well, really, it was kind of hard to tell since her "speech" would more accurately be described as an oxy-fueled, deranged, incomprehensible stream of consciousness that would make James Joyce say, "What the fuck are you talking about?" before drinking himself to a thankful death.

From what it's possible to piece together, or maybe to interpret, like it's Faulkner at his most obscure, Obama is a pussy, liberals are victimizing real conservatives, and Trump will, shit, make America great again or something. Seriously, you figure this shit out: "Where, in the private sector, you actually have to balance budgets in order to prioritize, to keep the main thing, the main thing, and he knows the main thing: a president is to keep us safe economically and militarily. He knows the main thing, and he knows how to lead the charge." The Rude Pundit reads really difficult theory and criticism. He actually can understand a Judith Butler article (shout-out to the academic geeks out there). He can't understand those sentences up there. Besides, there is no reason that we would treat this speech as anything other than ranting madness, which comes across even more when you watch it and see Palin shifting and twitching and gesticulating around like a ferret that got into the meth stash.

Surely, Trump had to pay her to be there. Palin may be many things, but she knows how to grift for some cash. She probably didn't even go to Cruz and jumped right to the billionaire so she could support the drug and alcohol habits of her brood of inbred beasts. Surely, Trump regretted it as soon as he realized he would have to stand there for however long Palin was going to have to blather on before she finally crashed and needed another hit of Klonopin or Vicodin or whatever takes the edge off her mania. In fact, you can pinpoint the moment when Trump realized that he might have made a terrible mistake. It's about 13 minutes in:

You gotta love that look of Trump glancing angrily to the side, as if asking some poor, demeaned assistant, "When the fuck is this kooky broad gonna finish? I got a tanning appointment." Don't pity Trump here. Laugh at him for thinking that he was getting a loyal dog when what he really bought was a rabid wolverine.

Trying to discern the substance of a Palin speech is like trying to figure out how to stick your hand into a roach-filled hole to get that coin you dropped: you might find what you're looking for, but you're gonna end up disgusted, skeeved out, and coated with goo. And here is that goo-slicked nickel: "The permanent political class has been doing the bidding of their campaign donor class, and that’s why you see that the borders are kept open. For them, for their cheap labor that they want to come in. That’s why they’ve been bloating budgets. It’s for crony capitalists to be able suck off of them." Leaving aside the obvious jokes on the phrase "suck off of them," Palin dissed "crony capitalist" in front of a man who has profited mightily from that system. That kind of ideological dissonance might be alarming, but, well, Palin.

So maybe what Trump wanted was Palin to assure the yokels and the yahoos in Iowa that he was the right man to stand up to "special interests." To the rubes who would vote for Trump just because Palin supports him, that means he'll represent white and dumb and evangelical America. Their Idiot Queen has deemed it so. So it must be. The road to hell is paved with such pitiful alliances.

And Palin gets to extend the expiration date on the Palin product line. Someone's gotta pay for all that bail when Viper or Quack or Titty or whatever  the fuck her kids are named get arrested.

Oh, and fuck you, John McCain.