Every once in a while, a patriot is called upon to do something drastic for his country. If you're a soldier, you might be sent on a mission that can save the lives of a thousand people but requires you to put yourself in life-ending danger. If you're a firefighter, you have to run into the burning building and try to find that missing kid, even if you might be overtaken by smoke and flames. Sometimes, an entire nation, nay, an entire era needs the hero it deserves to take action that he deserves in order to save us from ourselves.
That hero is you, Donald J. Trump. And you need to kill yourself.
Now, before you dismiss this outright, let's face it. This whole presidential run thing is just a lark, a grand indulgence for a rich, louche hedonist who is facing the end of his clock on this earth anyways. You don't really want to be president. You just want people to want you to be president, and you're getting a huge kick out of saying whatever the hell enters your head and seeing how much the rubes still love you for it. You said of a crowd, "I could be the worst person in the world, they're not leaving." How does someone with anything but contempt in their heart say that?
But be careful. Wanting to be loved and actually having to do the work of being president are two very different things. Now, maybe you're so enamored of yourself that you want to see what you can do to take down those hick Clintons. Maybe you think you'll be able to do whatever you please as president and demand that your rubes riot if Democrats try to impeach you. Maybe you're buying your own megalomania.
You're smarter than that, though. You know that what goes up comes down. You've seen it happen. It's happened to you. And you know that, at the end of the day, it's better to get slaughtered when you're the top hog at the fair than to wallow around in the mud with the regular pigs until you're just another piece of bacon.
So kill yourself. It's a modest proposal, but it's so simple.
Now, of course, some of us would like you to kill yourself because, frankly, you're an asshole who is degrading our already degraded political process. You sound like the yowling spawn of Joseph McCarthy and George Wallace doing Benito Mussolini in threesome. You're riling up those rubes you scorn, and, when you're not elected, you're gonna leave behind a bunch of angry, incoherent, racist rage-beasts ready to tear up Mexicans, Muslims, and Canadians. By going through the electoral process, you guarantee that someone at some point is going to be killed because of what you say.
And your father will never love you, even from Hell.
You need to commit suicide, like an honorable samurai or a sad poet. Think about it. Just for a moment. Let's play this out. The first path is that you keep going around the country with your clown show, racking up primary victories, waiting to be torn apart by the Clinton machine, until you lose (or you win, in which case, see above). After you lose, you go back to doing what you did before, the very things that made you so bored that you ran for president. Or you have to lead a movement without being an elected official and that's a hell of a lot of work, man.
Or you kill yourself. You could leave a note saying that you're doing it because you can see how you're dragging the country down. No? Not your style? Okay, you could make it all full of how amazing you are and how you've reached peak awesomeness and, well, let's just see if God can handle the Donald. Later, losers.
It doesn't matter how you do it. You could snort a bunch of ketamine and down a bottle of rare Polish vodka. You could tie a fine silk rope around your neck and masturbate until you asphyxiate while your wife and daughter watch. You could announce a press conference outside the Trump Tower in Columbus Circle and then leap to your death from the top, your body popping like a jelly-filled balloon right in front of the gathered media. The ratings would be huge. Huge.
Either way, rest assured, the country you leave behind would be vastly improved. Indeed, it's the one thing you could do that would definitely make America at least a little bit greater than it is right now.
