Campaign Ads That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Shoot Up Fentanyl: Marco Rubio Fellates Jesus

If you want to stare into the deep, gaping, wrecked anus of the Republican campaign for president, just take a couple of minutes and watch the TV ads that the actual candidates are releasing (not their slut SuperPACs). You'll see not just pandering, but the kind of begging to be loved that you usually see in a desperate old man whose latest boy toy has gotten a sudden surge of independence. It's pathetic and sad and awkward and generally ends with jizz, blood, or both.

For instance, check out this thing from Marco Rubio that's running in Iowa:

Putting on fundamentalist drag, Rubio kneels before his lord and smiles lasciviously: "Our goal is eternity, the ability to live alongside our Creator and for all time, to accept the free gift of salvation offered to us by Jesus Christ." Oh, sure, Jesus is just giving free stuff away for the takers.

He blows Jesus vigorously along these lines: "The struggle on a daily basis as a Christian is to remind ourselves of this. The purpose of our life is to cooperate with God’s plan, to those who much has been given much is expected and we will be asked to account for that." Now, you might remember that Rubio said in November that if civil laws conflict with God's "rules," God always wins, even if that means defying the law. Seriously, Christ is balls deep in Rubio, to the point where he says religion should trump law, and we're supposed to pretend that Rubio is more rational than Cruz or Carson or that other one.

Rubio brings Jesus to explosive orgasm when he concludes, "Were your treasures stored up on earth or in Heaven? And to me I try to allow that to influence me in everything that I do." That little fantasy query there comes from Matthew 6 in the good ol' New Testament. If you go a little further into the chapter, like a verse or two later, you get to this: "Ye cannot serve God and mammon." Wait, that's the fancy King James version. Here it is in dumbed down modern lingo: "You cannot serve both God and money." And then the rest of the chapter is about how you shouldn't give a happy monkey fuck about fancy clothes, that you should stop and listen to the birds and appreciate nature and God and shit. Rubio, of course, has some of the more active, secretly-funded "social welfare" groups poisoning the airwaves to the tune of millions of dollars. Rubio knows where his treasures are stored, and it sure as fuck ain't heaven.

Like everything Rubio ever says, the ad's a fucked-up mish-mash of talking points. In this case, they're just ultra-Christian ones in order to make anyone dumb enough to think, "He likes the same god I do" vote for him, unless they vote for Cruz or Carson, good fellaters all. Goddamn, how Jesus's dick must be sore these days.