Random Observations on Last Night's GOP Butt Chugging Competition

1. Last night's 727th GOP debate was remarkable because it made all the other GOP debates look like erudite examinations of the issues when, in reality, they were appalling, like going to a koala bear abattoir. Essentially, it was a competition to see who deserved most to get face-fucked by a porcupine. It's impossible to convey just how truly, remarkably terrible it was unless you watched. And it's impossible to express how meaningless an exercise it was, provoking the kind of existential despair in the Rude Pundit that he generally reserves for when he goes to the pot jar and it's empty. Where did it go? Who used it all up? Why wasn't he smart enough to get some more? These are the kinds of questions that the Republican Party ought to be asking today.

2. Everything you want to know about how unserious these men are can be summed up by how they used the brief detention of American sailors whose patrol boats had gone into Iran's waters. Ted Cruz opened with it, sneering with his sneery bitch voice: "Today, many of us picked up our newspapers, and we were horrified to see the sight of 10 American sailors on their knees, with their hands on their heads. In that State of the Union, President Obama didn't so much as mention the 10 sailors that had been captured by Iran." Chris Christie jowled, "It's a -- it's absolutely disgraceful that Secretary Kerry and others said in their response to what's going on in Iran that this was a good thing; it showed how the relationship was getting better...[T]he mullahs in Iran are taking our Navy ships." Donald Trump drama queened that he was hanging out with construction workers who were weeping over the sailors: "They were watching the humiliation of our young ten sailors, sitting on the floor with their knees in a begging position, their hands up. And Iranian wise guys having guns to their heads. It was a terrible sight."

This is such a non-story that Fox "news" doesn't even have a mention of it on the front page of its website. Not a single goddamned mention. Oh, they've got the story of the naked chick who tore shit up at a Waffle House (which, to be fair, is pretty much a description of a Fox viewer). But not a word about our brave young sailors being held captive by the evil Muslims of Evilstan. And that's because they were out 18 hours later. And they did go into Iranian waters. And they were on their knees because that's what you do when you're being arrested for, essentially, trespassing.

You can bet that Obama didn't mention it because, well, look at the Fox "news" webpage. It's insignificant. In fact, if he had mentioned it, he would have had to say that Iran was totally cool about it in a way that it wouldn't have been prior to the nuclear deal. If he had praised Iran, Republican fucknuts like the droopy sacks on stage last night would have had a hategasm so hard it would have propelled them from their seats.

3. This is the standard, though, for the Republicans at this point. There is nothing left that they will not lie about. It's why this Iran kerfuffle has to be the beginning of the battle for civilization, not a minor incident. It's why Benghazi is the worst thing to happen to this country ever, worse than ten Iraq wars times a dozen 9/11s to the power of Pearl Harbor. It's why every single one of those twats in Charleston could pretend that we are living in the end times of the United States unless one of them is elected.

Jeb Bush asserted, "[T]he idea that somehow we're better off today than the day that Barack Obama was inaugurated president of the United States is totally an alternative universe. The simple fact is that the world has been torn asunder." Marco Rubio offered, "Barack Obama does not believe that America is a great global power. Barack Obama believes that America is a arrogant global power that needs to be cut down to size." None of the candidates offered a single fucking example of anything that demonstrates their point other than that ISIS still exists, which, you know, considering how fucking long the Iraq war was, maybe give more than a few months to solve this fuckery that we created there.

How can you say, as Christie did, that "the world is on fire" and be considered a serious candidate? The world isn't on fire. A few bad events, minor in the scheme of things, do not add up to a conflagration of earth-ending proportions. In fact, the one thing that is potentially a danger to the entire globe, climate change, was again absent from the debate.

4. Rubio was probably the most deserving of a porcupine mouth rape. Every time it was his turn to speak, he went into some breathless spiel about how Obama and Hillary Clinton suck dog balls and that only he is tough enough to do the manly man things that real men can do. At one point, he pretty much accused the President of trying to actively wreck the nation: "He is -- this president is undermining the constitutional basis of this government. This president is undermining our military. He is undermining our standing in the world." And as proof? Nothing. Obama supports some moderate gun control laws? He supports Planned Parenthood? He doesn't want to carpet bomb places and wants to talk with our enemies? What did Obama actually do?

Even worse, Rubio's outright delusional lies should be enough to get him banished from politics for good. He called Obamacare "a certified job killer." To believe that, you have to ignore the millions and millions of jobs that have been created since the passage and implementation of the Affordable Care Act, a fact, not an opinion. It's beyond mind-boggling and into something almost metaphysically deceitful, as if the ACA magically becomes a job killer just because you say it.

5. It was allegedly the best night for Senator Ted Cruz, a man so unambiguously evil and filled with hatred that he must have demon children suckling at his nipples. You know that he was good and ready for the evening because he got his college debater's intonations going every time he responded to something from Donald Trump. The most beautiful moment of the evening, as many have noted, was when Cruz got the very white South Carolina crowd to laugh at "New York values" (which must mean "kind of non-white and faggy") and then Trump, calmly, quietly, pushed Cruz against the wall and said, "Let me show you how you treat a bitch," and pimp-slapped him back and forth with 9/11. And, hate to say it, but Trump's right. You don't get to drape yourself in the terrorist attacks of 2001 like it's Superman's cape and then say that New Yorkers are shit because they think you should leave people the fuck alone to get married or be in charge of their own bodies.

But when Trump was talking about whether or not Cruz is a "natural-born citizen," he implied that Democrats might sue if Cruz were the nominee for president or VP. Motherfucker, it's the Republicans that sue over that shit. It's Republicans that try to use the courts to prevent people from running or voting or recounting votes. Mostly, we on the left don't give a flying monkey fuck about Cruz's eligibility. We just think it's hilarious to see y'all tearing each other up over it.

6. Bush had one possible moment where he could have done something noble. He affirmed that he meant it when he called Trump "unhinged" over the idea of banning all Muslims from entering the United States. Asked if he thought all the people who agree with Trump on that are also unhinged, Bush punked out: "No, not at all, absolutely not. I can see why people are angry and scared, because this president has created a condition where our national security has weakened dramatically. I totally get that."

Man, if only he had said, "Yeah, they are unhinged. They are batshit fucking crazy and if that's who the base of this party is, then they can go finger fuck their own assholes" and then walked off the stage. It's pretty much time for him to end this, especially after saying one or two halfway rational things, and he could have left with his head held high.

Of course, this came after one of those honest moments that ought to happen more. Talking about how the Republicans need to be united, Bush said, "[E]verybody needs to discount some of the things you're going to hear in these [attack] ads, and discount the -- the back-and-forth here, because every person here is better than Hillary Clinton." You got that? Bush said that the ads are lies and so is the onstage patter. Helluva job, Jebbie.

7. Kasich and Carson were present. It's time for them to go.

8. Christie lied so fucking much about his record and Clinton's record that it's a wonder the sky didn't open and a giant pile of shit didn't fall on him.

9. The Rude Pundit doesn't know if his liver can take the next few months.

(If you want to hear the Rude Pundit and Jeff Kreisler comment on the debate as it was occurring, you can check out our Rabble.tv rants from last night.)