This Is an Optimistic Post in That It Thinks John McCain Is a Cretin:
Here’s the moment of high-larity that the Rude Pundit is awaiting: it’s a week or so after the election in November. Barack Obama has won, handily, and yer TV and newspaper pundits everywhere are declaring how inevitable it all actually was, how McCain never really had a chance, and, in the name of balance, how one or two demographics actually make the race closer than it is. Back at the McCain manse in Arizona, a state he will not carry, Team Maverick is trying to figure out what went wrong, how a man with as much “experience” and how a man who was, didn’t the public know, a war hero because he got tortured, could possibly lose to this uppity upstart mulatto motherfucker.

Now here’s the really bust-yer-gut funny part. At some point around this time, John McCain will give a speech, maybe a press conference, but more likely a speech, and he will talk about why he lost, how he shouldn’t have listened to the consultants and Rove acolytes who urged him to treat Obama like the Illinois senator whistled at a Mississippi white woman. Oh, there will be regret in his voice, along with obligatory congratulations.

And McCain will once more be a pathetic figure of mythic proportions: the first time he ran for President, he was run over by a Peterbilt semi driven through the highways of South Caroline by Karl Rove; this time, he was supposed to be in the cab, but he handed over the wheel, and that eighteen-wheel motherfucker went over cliff, jumping a couple of dozen sharks on the way down. It’ll be funny, though, with botoxed Cindy by his side and his hot blogging daughter, a very small diminished man who couldn’t live up to his hype because it was, after all, just hype, a munchkin without a yellow brick to his name, a leprechaun bereft of gold-filled pot, the dwarf who missed out on Snow White’s graceful kisses.

Once McCain decided to get on his torture-stiffened knees and guzzle that Rove chowder like a tranny whore at a fireman’s bachelor party, he was once again signing enemy propaganda. Hell, his ads may as well call Obama a “black pirate,” as he once called himself. It was a lie then, so why not now?

McCain’s recent ad campaign and new “tough” tone is all bravado and trash-talking masking desperation and flop sweat. If you were playing poker with the man, he’d be the guy to go all in again and again on a bluff, Sure, it’s a strategy, but it’s gonna bite you in the ass more times than it makes you walk away with the pot. ‘Cause hardcore motherfuckers will call your bluff when you really want them to fold. The celebrity ad with the Britney/Barack/Paris axis of evil? As pussy an ad as anyone has ever put out. It’s the equivalent of saying that the student council president got elected because she was just a popular girl. No shit, she’s popular. That’s why they call it “popular vote.” You gotta be popular to win it. (And isn't there something viscerally disturbing at the thought of McCain "approving" an ad with vagina-flashing twentysomethings?)

We are at the point in the election cycle where, unless there’s some absolutely stunning revelation, like a video of Barack Obama in an orgy where he’s fucking white women wearing Ronald Reagan masks, we know that Obama’s gonna be elected. It's just three more months of McCain lobbing shit at him like an Orbit gum commercial from hell. Also, the voting public ain't gonna take too kindly to three months of being told that Barack Obama is a publicity whore who thinks he's better than them. You can rest assured, though, that the ads are gonna get worse and worse until the hints aren't even subtle: a reference to his "shiny" smile and a couple of bongo beats is all it'd take. Still, ya gotta think, at some point, McCain's gonna have to offer a plan, which will be the doom of his campaign.

Buck up, worried liberals. This was over a long time ago. Of course the polls are gonna tighten like McCain's urethra. That's because we haven't reached the benchmark image of Obama and McCain appearing on stage together with the nation watching, getting to that "Oh, fuck" moment of "Who do you wanna have to look at for the next four years? Denzel or the Cryptkeeper?"

Caveat: Obama could still fuck it up. Badly. More on that later.