HR 847: Are You Goddamn Kidding?:
Holy fuck and sweet merciful cocksucking, what the hell? The House of Representatives actually passed, massively, a resolution declaring, in essence, that Christianity is just awesome and keen and mighty cool and all the kids should do it. Oh, and Christmas is, oh, Jesus Christ on a cracker, fuckin' orgasmically sensational.

No, no, no, seriously, and, c'mon, are Christians such pussies that they needed the fucking House of Representatives to say, among the "whereas-es," that "on December 25 of each calendar year, American Christians observe Christmas, the holiday celebrating the birth of their savior, Jesus Christ" and that "for Christians, Christmas is celebrated as a recognition of God's redemption, mercy, and Grace"?

Are Christians in America so desperate for attention that they needed cornfucker Steve King to stand up for them and for the House to resolve that it "recognizes the Christian faith as one of the great religions of the world" and "acknowledges and supports the role played by Christians and Christianity in the founding of the United States and in the formation of the western civilization" and giving mad props to Christmas?

Oh, and King, big bad Iowa Republican that he is, called out the nine Democrats who voted against the resolution, speaking to Steve "I'm Married...To a Woman...No, Really" Doocy and some fat bastard on Fox "news" about how the nine could vote against the Three Wise Men when they voted for other bullshit House resolutions recognizing Ramadan and Muslims, and Diwali and Hindus? And, since irony is to Republicans what salt is to snails, King links to the roll calls of those votes, where, interestingly, one can see that Steve King of Iowa voted "Present" to both non-Christian resolutions. It ain't "nay." But it sure as shit ain't "yea."

Is this what Christianity has come to? A bunch of whiny bitches in heat making the other dogs in the neighborhood howl and bark? Where, when Bill O'Reilly or William Donohue or Tony Perkins or whatever demagogic barrel of fuck you wanna name gets sand in his or her ass crack over Christmas or gay marriage or some issue or other that makes fundamentalists think America is all about them, you gotta go all paranoiac? Is your Jesus that small? And, seriously, if God was really pissed about any of this, he's got a pretty good history of fucking shit up in his name.

Putrescent evangelicals in Congress and their oughta-be-more rational enablers have ripped the nuts off the baby Jesus and shoved them Joseph's mouth, dancing around madly with the dessicated sack. And if the cowering silent majority of Christians who just want peace and love don't start putting the loud and vicious smackdown on their brethren with hard-ons for a Christian nation, then they are complicit in the degradation of the religion they purportedly believe in. As for the Democrats in Congress, the majority that even allowed this vote while letting the Bush administration rape them repeatedly on every issue, well, it's par for the course, innit?

One day, some day when the talking monkeys are digging up our ruins, trying to suss out just what the hell went wrong that buried America so quickly, some big ass gibbon's gonna find the text of this resolution on some old hard drive. And the chimp anthropologists and baboon political scientists will analyze it, realizing that once a nation's leaders felt it was necessary to so forcefully state the obvious, the country was doomed. But you can bet there'll be some silverback gorilla that'll think, "Hmm, I think I can use this to make everyone kowtow to my desperate need for power. And bananas." Chances are, too, that that gorilla will be a closeted gay simian.

Meanwhile, back in America today, most Jews are just glad Hanukkah quietly slipped past the Congress unnoticed, although, in a synagogue in Hartford, Joe Lieberman shakes with bitter weeping, always feeling left out.