Gay Marriage Makes God Sweaty:
Oh, sweet jubilation, we members of the Family Research Council's Super Duper Prayer Team have prayed our knuckles sore for this day, the beginning of the great and mighty de-bate on the Marriage Protection Amendment, and now, now, oh, tender mercies and miracle o' miracles, it's a-gonna happen. The Rude Pundit joined the FRC's Super Duper Prayer Team under a nom de rude and receives regular updates on how for and what for to pray for. And, goddamn, we been prayin' our fuckin' asses off about this shit.
'Cause, see, as FRC Grand Wizard - that is, President Tony "Cocksuckers Drive Me Psycho" Perkins tells us, "Marriage, ordained by God in the Garden of Eden, is literally the cornerstone of civilization, established before the Mosaic Law, the Church or civil government. God's warns of His wrath to all who pervert marriage and God-ordained human sexuality.... Marriage, i.e., 'holy matrimony' is sacred, thus civil governments that authorize the perversion of marriage commit blasphemy - an assault against God Himself." And, as we know, God is such a pussy that his feelings get hurt if you tell him his shoes make him look kinda fruity. Big Bitch'll throw one helluva hissy. That's what caused Hurricane Katrina.
And we gotta be bugfuck crazy paranoid, man, 'cause the liberals are comin' and they're gonna make you stand there while government-funded homosexuals plunge their tongues into and around your scared genitalia. Says Perkins, "Churches and Christian ministries will be pressured to recognize these 'marriages' or suffer. Such is already happening in Massachusetts. Public schools will teach children that discrimination against homosexuality is 'hate' and that homosexuality and homosexual marriage are OK. Christian broadcasters may one day be required to expunge Biblical truth regarding homosexuality from their broadcasts, just as they are now required to do in Canada." Fuckin' Canadians and their suck-ass tolerance. And if we can't count on our public school teachers tellin' the kids that faggotry is eee-vil, then what kind of nation have we become?
The secular arguments are so persuasive for the amendment that they fit in a one page lil' ol' PDF. Like, for instance, "The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), passed overwhelmingly by the U.S. Congress in 1996, is already under assault in the states – if these cases reach the nation’s highest court as it is currently configured, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia warns that DOMA would be declared unconstitutional." Apparently, the USA needs to amend the Constitution to prevent same sex marriage because without it there would be same sex marriage. Oooh, fuck, that doesn't really work without all the hoodoo voodoo threats about some big sky wizard comin' down to kick our asses if two chicks get married.
Check out President Bush's radio address (the one that only a spastically jiggling Jerry Falwell listens to while using a rifle barrel to tickle his prostate madly) from this past Saturday. Motherfucker could barely get through the thing without sayin' that gay marriage makes the baby Jesus cry. Kickin' out the fear-the-coastal-liberals jams, Bush said DOMA would be overturned by those fuckin' out of control judgies on acty-vist courts, and "That would mean that every state would have to recognize marriages redefined by judges in Massachusetts or local officials in San Francisco, no matter what their own laws or state constitutions say." Don't you fuckers understand the spiralling logic? Let's say it again: we have to have an amendment against gay marriage 'cause otherwise gays will get married. And why is that bad? It's bad because gays will get married...and, oh, fuck, the Rude Pundit's brain just attacked itself.
Again and again, the Rude Pundit has said, "Let's have it out. Now." Really. Let's fuckin' throw down, have the big ass culture war over the Constitution and the nation. Those of us who believe shit like no state-established religion will face down those who wanna make the big change: the U.S. o' A. as a Christian nation, like the Texas Republicans said this past weekend. The honesty there is exhilirating. Stop hiding the real agenda.
The "debate" that's gonna start today in the Senate is going to be just a nonstop parade of hate and bullshit, as the homophobic Senators tie themselves in knots, if you're a Republican, to avoid saying that God doesn't like gay marriage, or, if you're a Hillary Clinton Democrat, to flog that fucked-up Defense of Marriage Act so you don't actually have to say that gays can marry or, really, take any stand.
Postscript: Yesterday was declared Marriage Protection Sunday by the Christian right. The Rude Pundit held celebratory threesomes with his favorite hot married couples in the neighborhood, toasting the bonds of their holy matrimony in between flipping coins to see who got to put what in whose orifice. And, strangely, we believed God was happy for us being so creative with the sweet bodies he created.
Update: Aravosis goes rude over at Americablog.