Luvin' John Roberts:
Man, oh, man, after reading the lengthy profile of him in today's New York Times, the Rude Pundit just wants to fuck Supreme Court nominee John Roberts because, holy motherfuck and sweet heaven on earth, how could you not wanna fuck the shit out of someone who is so goddamned straight and upstanding and craps strict constitutionalism and leaps tall buildings in a single bound and fights for truth, justice and the American way. C'mon, straight or gay, ya gotta wanna fuck Superman, right? And, until alien men of steel appear in the farm towns of the USA, all we've got is Roberts, father, son, lawyer, Catholic, husband, and, oh, god, the Rude Pundit gets hard thinkin' about someone sooooo good tellin' him who he can marry and what he's allowed to say and, slap us some more, Johnny, where he can legally place his penis, which oughta be in Roberts' Harvard-educated mouth.
'Cause, you see, we are such shit compared to John Roberts, are we not? We who might be called "partisan" or we who don't sublimate our beliefs. C'mon, gang, get on board the Roberts railroad and ride that fucker right into Sandra Day O'Connor's seat. Look at the article - it's like the e-Harmony profile from hell: devout Catholic from a Bethlehem Steel plant manager father, uber-geek in elementary and high school, "scrappy" football player, part of the Gipper's administration, super-duper lawyer guy, and so, so much more. Why, Todd Pardum, et al can't help but make him seem just dreammmmmy if you're a tight-assed right winger who's never partied a day in your life. Or just the guy whose eminent domain the Rude Pundit wants to force his purchase power into. Oh, such sweet profit.
Oh, but there's more: Roberts played uber-lesbian Peppermint Patty in the school play, he apparently looks good in athletic shorts, beloved by the Christian right, so much so that James Dobson himself bestowed blessings upon Big John.
Hey, what's wrong with us sour-puss left wingers? Why can't we all celebrate the shining fuckin' glory that is John Roberts? Why worry that his wife was on the board of Feminists for Life (apparently the anti-choice choice of hot chicks)? C'mon, since when have the beliefs of someone's wife mattered to anyone in politics or the media? Why worry that he's seen as someone who will back big business concerns time and again over any government restrictions? Why worry that he advised the Bush campaign on halting the Democrats from winning the White House back in 2000? It's not like he'll be any position to decide any cases on who's Pres-... oh, wait, never mind that one.
Yep, since we should all apparently shut the fuck up about Roberts and just bask in the solar glow of his innate magnificence, the Rude Pundit will entertain fantasies of taking this perfect specimen of Republican manhood in his Circuit Court office and fucking him backwards and forwards because, in the end, that's what he's gonna do to us.
(Oh, and perk up, lefties. Ann Coulter's on our side on this one. 'Course, in her own cuntish, monkeyfuck insane way. See, Coulter thinks Roberts is gonna turn out to be a liberal, that he's kinda wimpy. Ann likes her men rough, the kind of conservatives that would beat her, fuck her in the ass, wipe their dicks with her hair, piss on her, and tell her it's better than she deserves. Real men, you know.)
