Lettin' the Rove Express Head Off the Tracks On Its Own:
The Rude Pundit's not jumpin' on the "Oh-Please-Oh-Fuckin'-Please-Let-Karl-Rove-Burn" train. The President's porcine political advisor, at the very least, "made contact" with soon-to-be-imprisoned Time magazine reporter Matt Cooper regarding the outing CIA operative Valerie Plame, wife of former Ambassador Joseph Wilson, as revenge for Wilson calling "bullshit" on the Bush administration's allegation that Iraq tried to get uranium from Niger. No, no, the Rude Pundit will tamp down his Pavlovian erection of joy at hearing that Karl Rove is even momentarily in trouble.

He will not offer vivid fantasy descriptions of Rove being dragged in handcuffs out of the White House, snorting like a harpooned whale dragging a frigate behind it. He will not take pleasure in the potentially deeply gratifying feeling of schadenfreude that accompanies such hideously hard and enormously well-deserved falls. The Rude Pundit won't do it. He won't allow himself to get caught up in imagining Karl Rove in prison, after his first kitchen utensil sodomizing, screaming like the yapping bitch he's about to become that he'll give up the President in order to be allowed cushy country club confinement, and then, oh, what glorious chaos.

And why won't the Rude Pundit participate in the bone-shaking jouissance of praying to God, Jesus, Allah, or whoever or no one that it truly, really is Rove that gave up Plame's name? Because the Rude Pundit's been there before with the Republicans teetering on the brink of damnation, only to see them pulled back from the lapping flames time and again. To be sure, this could mean just the administration of George W. Bush, which, in a real democracy, would have crumbled into heaps of ashes a hundred times already. How our hearts were shattered after the 9/11 Commission Report, the Gannon/Guckert affair, and more.

Instead, though, the Rude Pundit hearkens back to his greatest heartbreak, the Iran-Contra scandal of the end of the Reagan era, when Reagan's dementia made it just pathetic to watch him and unlikely that the Congress would, through impeachment, beat up on an old man heading towards the oblivion of being an Alzheimer's-ridden throw pillow. So we all thought it might be possible to take down George Bush, Sr., except the motherfucker went and pardoned everyone that might've given him up for a softer bunk at the federal pen.

Yep, Cap Weinberger, Elliott Abrams, Clair George and other liars and criminals were given the bestest Christmas gift ever on December 24, 1992 when Bush covered his ass by pardoning all six "for their conduct related to the Iran-Contra affair." Now, what do you think the chances are that Junior wouldn't do the same thing in a heartbeat for Rove or anyone else that might give him up?

Of course, Rove has gone all silent on this matter, which is kind of nice, since he had been making the talk show rounds, forcing his rotundly evil face onto TV screens.

But, frankly, if special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald really wants to get the truth out of Rove, well, there's probably no better method than the Gitmo/Abu Ghraib treatment, certainly approved by Rove himself. Strip that fucker's clothes off, tie him to the floor, make him shit himself, slap his balls, threaten his family, deny him legal representation and due process, hang him by his wrists, and tell him that you're gettin' the dogs ready to fuck him. Or send him to Uzbekistan and have them "question" him. Motherfucker'll claim he crucified Jesus after those bastards get done with him.

Update: Hokay, so Matt Cooper folded like he was two cards short from a straight, and now, ding-dong, Judith Miller's gone to jail.