The Amount of Time Trump Spends Tweeting Should Be a Scandal

A few days before Donald Trump's trashy inauguration in January 2017, I tweeted this: "So this is our life now? Awaiting tweeted proclamations each morning from the Orange King as to who has lost his favor? Fuck all of this." And it was one of those obvious statements that was tinged with the slightest bit of sardonic hope. It certainly seemed that we were damned to have to daily word turds shat straight from the anus of a brain of the Commander-in-Chief, but, goddamn, we could also think that surely the job of being president is so packed that he just won't have time for Twitter. It was a thin, ludicrous wish, but futile hope is one of the great and sad things about being human.

So, ultimately, it wasn't a surprise that a guy who was an unrepentant motherfucker on Twitter before getting elected would continue to be both unrepentant and a motherfucker after getting elected. You don't go from talking about "the losers and haters" and accusing President Obama of being born in Africa to becoming generous and diplomatic just because you bumblefucked into the presidency. The content of the tweets, while enraging, idiotic, and threatening, just reflect who Trump is and who he always has been. A dick is a dick is a dick.

But the excessive amount of tweeting Trump does is legitimately fucked up. However much you may despise him, he's the goddamn president. You'd think he might have important shit to do. Yet somehow, yesterday, on a Monday, allegedly a fucking workday, he tweeted 15 times. And if you go back a couple of days, as the New York Times points out, Trump tweeted 50 times between Friday morning and Sunday night. While, yes, we can include the caveat that Trump may not personally pound his tiny thumbs on his unsecured phone, he is either dictating or approving the tweets.

Not only did he whine his usual litany of complaints, but he retweeted long segments from Fox "news" shows that defended him or blew him. He also directly criticized the weekend anchors on Fox. Think about that for a moment. The President of the United States has nothing better to do on a Sunday than watch a TV show he's hating so he can bitch about it. You know who's watching the Sunday afternoon of any news channel? People who are too lazy or sick to reach over the couch to get the remote and people who have to watch that shit for a living. Trump is showing that all he fucking does is watch Fox and, alarmingly, One America news, which is like what you get if an Alex Jones fucked a Breitbart. Every day. From morning until night. We got reporting that that's what he does, but he's demonstrating it through his tweets. Hell, just today, so far, again, in the middle of a workday, he's bitched about Kellyanne Conway's husband and "fake news," and he promised to "look into" alleged bias on social media.

The number of tweets reveal, simply, that Trump isn't doing his job. While many of us knew this would be the case, why isn't this pissing off the very people who talk about lazy workers? Or the "takers"? The man gets a fucking salary (which, he claims, he gives away, but Trump and his awful family of cockfleas and ass polyps burn through a shit-ton of taxpayer cash for their travel and living expenses). Every working person should be demanding he put the fucking phone down and do what he was hired for.

It's kind of amazing that every fucking day, we're not getting outraged commentary about how Trump doesn't do any actual work. That he just lurches from tweet to tweet, with Big Mac and Diet Coke breaks and golfing at his own golf courses breaking it up. Maybe they could take his picture-book intelligence briefings and make them dot-to-dot so that he has to draw to see what it is. "Oh, look, it's a nuclear missile! No one knows dot-to-dots like me!" he can yell while his staff members keep telling themselves that this is marginally better than death.

Besides, you know this dumb orange motherfucker is constantly checking the likes and retweets, hoping to get a dopamine hit that will keep the demons of failure at bay for just a little while longer.

For a contrast, I have a full-time job (and, sorry, losers and haters, I don't live in my Mom's basement and I don't like Cheetos). I tweeted 16 times yesterday, mostly during a one-hour period when I was watching Elizabeth Warren's town hall on CNN last night. Over the weekend, I tweeted just 20 times, still too much, but nothing compared to the goddamn president. That's because I spent time catching up on work, reading some things that make me just a little smarter, going to a concert, and getting into a vodka drink-off that I'm pretty sure ended in a three-way. In other words, I fucking lived.

We never see Trump read, we never see him enjoy time with his family, we never see him doing any work other than sitting at his empty desk, we never see him do any exercise besides lumbering from a golf cart up to a ball, taking a swing, and wheezing back to the cart, his man tits resting on his stomach as he rolls, ape-like, to the next hole. He is disengaged with the world beyond his appetites. How he himself is being treated is everything. How we're being treated is next to nothing (and the only reason for "next to" is that, occasionally, he pretends to give a shit about someone who kisses his voluminous ass).

Again, again, again, we knew all this about him. We fucking knew that he was lying when he said that he wouldn't even have time for golf. We knew that he was that sweet spot combination of a bully and a dullard, with a buffoonish cherry on top. We knew that he was going to be a total bastard because he's always been a total bastard. In fact, I'd venture to say that everyone knew it, but some of us put it aside because he was also racist, and they fucking loved that.

Still, we have proof, every day, that he's not doing his fucking job. On Twitter, I had someone tell me that he has to defend himself because the media is so mean to him. No, I responded, that's the fucking job of his media team. His job is to be president. But I guess we've changed the job description from "Leader of the Free World" to "Sullen prick who yells at the TV for the amusement of idiots."

The content of the tweets are a constant scandal. The effort he puts into them should be one, too. Make it into a campaign line: "Let's give Trump more time to tweet." I'd add, "Because fuck that lazy piece of shit into the ground," but I'm not running.

(Note: Yes, I know his idiot horde loves him tweeting and he's just pleasing them. And, yes, you are so very smart to say that it's better he's ignoring his job when he could be fucking it up.)