Other Batshit Things Trump Said at His Latest Batshit Speech Besides Shitting All Over John McCain

Yes, yesterday, at a plant that makes tanks for Saudi Arabia, among others, in Lima, Ohio (motto: "It's about as awful a place as you think it is"), President Donald Trump dropped his pants and had Rob Portman hold him steady while he took a shit on Stephen Miller dressed up like John McCain. Because his diet consists of McDonald's, KFC, and Diet Coke, he sprayed his shit instead of having it come out in nice, compact turd form. Miller tried to sound like the deceased Arizona senator, saying, "No,  Mr. President, please, I'll give you the dossier. I'll turn my thumb around. Please stop shitting on me." Trump, of course, merely grunted and shit some more and looked at the dumbfounded factory workers as if to say, "Yeah, you like that. You like watching me shit on him." Miller loved it.

However, after he pulled up his pants (Hell, no, he didn't wipe. As he likes to say, "Only the gays put anything in their butts"), the rest of Trump's rambling, shambolic ranting was filled with utter bugfuck insane stuff. It's like his brain is just starting to curl into on itself, and he is just a stream-of-barely-consciousness spouting meat sack. A few examples:

-- Apparently, the only thing that tanks conjure for Trump is the 30 year-old image of then-Democratic presidential nominee Michael Dukakis riding around in one. Trump's brain is stuck in the 1980s, where almost all of his references begin and end. He punned, "[H]e tanked when he got into the tank. He tanked — I never saw anybody tank like that." If you're punching yourself in the face for reading that, well, get ready for his insult of Dukakis's height: "The helmet was bigger than he was.  That was not good." I'm gonna bet that a good many of the young workers there had no idea what the fuck this old man was talking about, but that never stops Trump from a good insult.

-- The parade of easily demonstrable lies was unusually brazen, like when he said, "Four straight years, the number of U.S. tanks that were budgeted for upgrades was zero." This is totally true if by "zero," Trump means, "Nearly two billion dollars." He does this shit just to degrade Barack Obama. In fact, he mockingly added, "That was under your great President Obama." Look at the utter, petty, ludicrous contempt with which he holds Obama. It's like the former president got an extra scoop of ice cream or fucked Ivanka. Later, he talked about how the United States is doing better economically than the rest of the world and added, for no goddamn reason at all, "That wouldn’t happen under Barack Obama, that I can tell you.  It wouldn’t happen under Crooked Hillary Clinton." He is constantly fighting these fantasy foes.

-- There were times where he just wandered off into the black hole of his ego, turning something that was about others into another airing of grievances. Talking about how much the workers there should love their jobs, Trump mewled, "I do, even though I have the fake news hounding me all the time.  The fake and phony and corrupt.  It’s fake.  It’s corrupt.  But we got to live with it, right?  Got to live with it." He just disappears up his own ass over and over again. And, to be fair, it would be easy to get lost in that ass.

-- Shecky Trump appeared again and again. He did his little shuck and jive about wind power, where he imagines there's no electricity if there's no wind one day. And then, I shit you not, Trump made the following joke about watching a particular TV show: "I think it was called 'Deface the Nation.' And — ladies and gentlemen, 'Deface the Nation.'" I don't know what was most soul-crushing: that he made the joke, that he thought it was a good joke, or that people actually laughed.

-- Of course, the McCain stuff was the most reported because so much of the rest of it is just typical batshit Trump, which we've pathetically gotten used to, even though it should never stop disturbing us to our cores. Trump asked for credit for McCain's funeral, which is just so fucking weird and shows how small, so very small, a man Trump is. But he wants credit for everything, like the Veteran's Choice Act, which was passed in 2014, or the factory itself: "Well, you better love me," he told the cheering workers when he entered. "I kept this place open, that I can tell you." (It wasn't going to close.)

He dismissed McCain at the end of his rant inside his rant with "Not my kind of guy." You know, I've got no love for John McCain, but I'd've loved it if his zombie corpse had risen up, shoved a bamboo stick up Trump's ass, and said in a horrible, rotted voice into Trump's ear, "Not my kind of guy, either." And then McCain could have moved on to all the Republicans who aren't condemning Trump for his insults, bamboo at the ready.

(Bonus: When Trump asked a worker to make a comment, this poor, dumb motherfucker actually said, "It is my personal opinion that God was looking after our country when you were elected." That he wasn't immediately crushed by a falling tank is proof that God doesn't exist.)