In Brief: Vice President Pence Makes the Case Against a Border Wall

Yesterday, while speaking at the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Advanced Training Facility in Harpers Ferry, West Virgina, Vice President Mike Pence, a man who always looks like he's trying to hide that he's got a remote control vibrating butt plug in his sphincter, essentially made the case that our current border security works when it comes to illegal drugs. It was truly, fucking weird.

Pence praised the gathered CBP officers and officials for preventing "the illegal entry of criminal aliens and drugs at our ports of entry and on our border." And then he said, "It’s amazing to reflect that, just a month ago, that the Nogales Port of Entry in Arizona Customs and Border Protection prevented more than 250 pounds of fentanyl from entering the United States of America. Tremendous." He added after some applause, "That was enough fentanyl to kill nearly one-third of the entire population of our country, and it was the largest fentanyl bust in CBP history.  And the team at Nogales has our congratulations and our thanks."

You got that, right? The largest fentanyl bust ever was at a port of entry.  But wait...

Then Pence congratulated the CBP for another triumph: "Last month, working with state and local partners, CBP agents stopped a shipment of illegal drugs from passing through the Port of Newark, ultimately seizing more than 3,200 pounds of cocaine worth $77 million.  That’s worth a round of applause too." Putting aside that asking for applause is just so goddamn pathetic and needy, that's a decent amount of cocaine, and, again, it came through a port. It wasn't a bunch of Mexicans running across the Rio Grande with cocaine strapped to their cantaloupe calves.

Later in the speech, Pence did say that they were getting funding to build more of the border wall, but someone there should have said, "Why? You just fuckin' told us about drugs coming through the ports of entry. Strengthen our shit there."

Of course, no Mike Pence speech is ever devoid of creepily sexual tension. Trying to bond with the law enforcement agents, the former talk radio host said, "I was out there on the range today, and I went in and watched a wrestling match — in the training center.  And I told — I told those extraordinary trainees and trainers — I said — I said, 'Look, we’re with you, but you need to know the American people are with you.'"

I don't think we needed the detail that Pence stood there watching sweaty people wrestle while he told them, "We're with you." Meanwhile, one of his Secret Service agents knew he had to turn the butt plug up to 10. Pence's face was pinched in ecstasy.