I know. I know you're sitting there with "It's Mueller Time" memes popping up all over your Twinstaface feeds. You're watching Rachel parse every word in Attorney General William Barr's memo informing us that he's received Robert Mueller's report on his investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election and other assorted matters. You're listening to every panelist from every administration since Nixon tell you what might be in there, what might get released, what Congress might get to see, what the White House might try to stop, and on. And on. And on.
And you're wondering, "How in the fucking fuck am I going to survive waiting until something definite is released or leaked?"
Lemme give you some tips.
1. Turn off the fuckin' news networks. Or turn it to the Weather Channel, where you can get news on the catastrophic floods in the Upper Midwest. Or watch BBC News, where you can realize that even people with posh accents can bumblefuck around like brain-damaged gibbons when it comes to Brexit.
2. But, no, seriously, turn off CNN and MSNBC (and if you're hate-watching Fox "news," the fuck is wrong with you? And if you're seriously watching Fox, fuck you). Most of the pundits and analysts are reading tea leaves in the dark, whether they say the report exonerates Trump or condemns Trump. They have a couple of vague ideas of what's in there (like explanations of the indictments Mueller has gotten, which mostly include lying to investigators for Mueller). But otherwise? They don't know a goddamn thing, and those channels have got 24 hours to fill with walking around while wearing blindfolds. It'll drive you nutzoid to stay tuned in.
3. Turn your hopes down for the report. It might be explosive. It might be disappointing. It might be frustratingly opaque. It might be brutally definitive. But if you've been fantasizing about Mueller arresting Trump and frog-marching him out of the White House, well, you're gonna need to pull that back a bit because he didn't. In fact, there won't be any more indictments coming because that wasn't Mueller's job. That's for others to decide based on the report. And there is every chance in the world that we might not learn everything that's in the report.
4. Concentrate on the shit we do know that we didn't even need Mueller for. Every day, Trump is doing something impeachable or demonstrating that he's unfit for office. Democrats need to talk about the shady business deals (which, yes, do cross over with Russia matters) and witness intimidation and erratic policy decisions and self-enriching and refusal to condemn white nationalism and hush money and more, far more than enough to impeach any president. If we put too much into the Mueller report (as too many Democrats have), then we lose the chance to convince people on the other shit.
5. I hear Captain Marvel and Us are good. Binge Catastrophe. Go March Madness mad. Ride a bike until you're so exhausted that you can't think about anything but the sweat in your eyes and aches in your calves. Drink. Try those edibles your brother brought over. (I think I just planned my weekend.)
6. Remember that what we know already is pretty amazing and damning.
7. Remember that, whatever is in the Mueller report, the SDNY is preparing to torpedo the entire, awful Trump family. Remember that Democrats are proceeding, however overly cautiously, with their investigations. Remember that Trump is exposed in other jurisdictions, too.
8. But, mostly, really and sincerely, stop torturing yourself by watching the news networks squeeze every dingleberry of news out of the empty bowels of their sources. When we really know something, a fucking flare will go off on Twitter. Your news alerts will make your phone into your vibrator.
9. Rest. Because there is a very good chance we're gonna need our energy and our voices for the fights to come. Especially if, despite all our wishing, this presidency makes it to the 2020 election.
