UN Climate Report: Mother Nature Is About to Fuck Us Raw

Mother Nature is fuckin' pissed, ya'll. She's done playing around. You don't wanna do shit about climate change? Then she's breaking out the big dildo, the thick hard rubber one, like 10 inches long, the thickness of a longshoreman's wrist, fuckin' spikes all along the shaft, and she's gonna fuck the shit out of our asses without lubing that thing up. You can be scared to death or you can pretend you like the pain, but, goddamn, you are gonna be sore and torn when she's done.

Why is Mother Nature gonna get brutal on our tender sphincters? Because we had warning on top of warning about climate change. Decades of it. We had years of motherfuckin' studies and motherfuckin' science telling us to stop being such dicks about carbon emissions and to do something, some goddamn thing, to slow the wreckage of our stupid human hubris. We had Al fuckin' Gore lay it all out for us. Did we listen? No. So we get deservedly reamed.

Oh, is that too much? You read the New York Times article and feel like you get it? Fuck you. You don't get shit. Read the actual report and you'll shit yourself in fear, and then, when you're done shitting yourself, you'll shit yourself again because there's the next page and the next until you are in a pile of fear-induced shit, and that's where we all should be now.

Check out this list of things that the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change said they have "high" or "very high confidence" about (most of this is with an average global temperature increase of 1.5 degrees. At 2 degrees, shit gets even worse):

- Increasing warming amplifies the exposure of small islands, low-lying coastal areas and deltas to the risks associated with sea level rise for many human and ecological systems, including increased saltwater intrusion, flooding and damage to infrastructure;

- Populations at disproportionately higher risk of adverse consequences of global warming of 1.5°C and beyond include disadvantaged and vulnerable populations, some indigenous peoples, and local communities dependent on agricultural or coastal livelihoods;

- Urban heat islands often amplify the impacts of heatwaves in cities...Risks from some vector-borne diseases, such as malaria and dengue fever, are projected to increase with warming from 1.5°C to 2°C, including potential shifts in their geographic range;

- Exposure to multiple and compound climate-related risks increases between 1.5°C and 2°C of global warming, with greater proportions of people both so exposed and susceptible to poverty in Africa and Asia.

You got that? You think the refugee crisis is bad now? Fuckin' wait until 50 million people need to live somewhere with food and water. Fuckin' wait until India is too hot to live. It'll make every other crisis seem like a piddling trickle. And wars over resources will be goddamned inevitable.

And we're not talking the 22nd century here. We're talking in 20-30 years. Fuck, that fucks up my plan of "die before climate change gets really bad."

The worst part about the report is that if we do something now, now, now, we have a chance to slow it or even reverse it. But that means we need politicians who aren't going to be absolute dumb shits and say in response to this report, "I can give you reports that are fabulous and I can give you reports that aren’t so good."

That means we're fucked. And Mother Nature is geared up and ready for fucking. And we deserve it, man. We really just deserve it.