Brett Kavanaugh Would Likely Not Survive an Interview With Your HR Department

Last Thursday, as Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh bellowed and sucked down water and snuffled like a coke fiend with too many nose hairs, I asked the good people of Twitter a simple question. "Just curious: What would HR at your company or work say about all this? Would they let you hire Kavanaugh?" I wondered. And, if this completely biased sample of responses is any indication, Judge Kavanaugh would not get the job.

A sampling (with some minor editing for clarity):

"I say this as a management-side employment attorney: HR would say, 'We can’t say for certain that he did those things, but in the last interview he acted crazy. Out of control. Unable to answer questions in an appropriate manner. We obviously can’t hire him.'"

"I am in HR. If someone came in for a job interview and ranted and raved like that, not only would he not be hired, he’d be escorted out by security."

"This made me laugh thinking of the interviews I used to do. Angry, belligerent, won't give straight answers, lies about everything--no way would I even consider hiring this guy. Lawsuit waiting to happen."

"I was in HR all my life. I would never hire someone that can’t control his temper or was emotional in front of me no matter what his resume or background check revealed."

"Sadly, my former workplace did hire a guy just like this, despite being openly rude to the women on the hiring committee. It took 3 years and his aggression putting contracts in jeopardy for them to get rid of him."

"My boss hired a guy like this once (although I can’t imagine he acted this way in the interview). My advice to co-workers: 'Just stand back far enough so you don’t get splattered with blood when he shoots himself in the foot.' He was there 3 weeks."

If Kavanaugh had been on trial, his Emile Zola act might have been compelling, even defiant. And all the conservative spoogebuckets who have gone to the barricades for Kavanaugh, pounding their fists and declaring innocent-until-proven-guilty is dead? They might have a point.

But the motherfucker wasn't on trial. He was sitting before the hiring committee for his new job where standards are a whole lot looser. And, yeah, sometimes at the job interview, you get asked about uncomfortable shit, and if you act like a frothing dickhead about blow all over the joint, there's a good chance you won't get the job.

That's because companies and other organizations (like universities) are worried that you will be a problem. Your resume can be a glowing, glorious monument to your awesomeness, but if you send up any signals that one day you might cause grief for your employers or, even worse, cause a lawsuit, you are done. It might not be fair, but that's the way it is.

I know this not just from the collected wisdom of Twitter jockeys. I know it because I've been on both sides of the interview process. I've talked to dozens upon dozens of candidates for positions from administrative assistant to provost of my college. One candidate for a pretty big job was a total jerk to everyone, acting as if arrogance was going to be seen as charming or some such shit. No fuckin' way.

And I've been the asshole. I was once up for a job that, early on in a two-day interview, I decided I didn't want. So my attitude was "ahh, fuck it." When the dean of this podunk Pennsylvania college said to me, "You're from the south. You'll come cheap," if I had wanted the the position, I'd've laughed at the entirely improper thing and said something self-effacing.

But I didn't give a fuck what she or anyone else thought of me. So I said in my worst Jethro Clampett accent, "That's right, Dean. I teach a class. You gimme a chicken. I teach another one. Gimme some beans." And then I went on until my pantry was full. The appalled look on the Dean's face told me that we were done here.

On another job interview, for one I wanted, a dean asked me why I wanted to leave the place where I was working. That's actually an inappropriate question when it comes to public colleges. I could have gotten all high dudgeon about it and huffed, "None of your business. I like beer!" But I sucked it up and answered the goddamn question. Because, as I said, I wanted the fuckin' job.

Look, obviously, a seat on the Supreme Court isn't the same as 2nd desk humper in the third row of gray cubicles. But if you're not worth hiring for that cubicle, you are a far fucking way from being worthy of the a lifetime appointment deciding life and death issues for everyone in the country.

And that's not even getting into the whole sexual predator side of things with Kavanaugh.