They're Losing Their Fucking Minds, Part 4: Jesus Doesn't Need a Stimulus:
The narrow-minded, clannish nature of the Christian right is sometimes just downright adorably hilarious. For their divorce from reality is breathtaking, like watching a toy poodle try to fuck a hippo. Damn, that's some plucky ambition. Damn shame that little poodle just suffocated in a pile of hippo shit.

The Rude Pundit is a member of the Super-Duper Prayer Team of the Family Research Council (motto: "Jesus is watching you masturbate"). He joined it a few years ago under a nom de rude, and every week he receives his prayellatio orders. Yes, it's a list of "things what pissed us off this week" about which we're supposed to drop on our knees, open our mouths, let the Lord in, and spit out our pleas.

This week's Prayer Team Targets include the unholy stimulus package about to finally get out of Congress. Now, you may ask, "Why the fuck does a Super-Duper Prayer Team need to be worried about an economic package involving stimulus spending on infrastructure construction, directed tax cuts, and stop-gap funding for states and municipalities? How does this involve Jesus at all?" Well, then you don't know the Family Research Council, you stupid shit. Because everything - no, really, every motherfucking thing involves Jesus.

Because, apparently, we're on our way to becoming the Soviet Union. "Indeed, the massive 'stimulus' delusion will cost our children dearly. Have we forgotten the Soviet Union?" asks National Prayer Director Rev. Pierre Bynum. And in case we forgot, he reminds us, "There, over time, people lost their incentive to work, create, strive for excellence, save, invest and achieve. The promise of a socialist utopia proved a lie and bankrupted the Soviet nations." You got that? The Soviet Union wasn't about the self-defeating push for world power through oppressive regimes and ruinous wars, cold and hot. No. It was about the loss of the desire to strive for excellence. Why, they just needed Joel Osteen to go over there and light that drive up.

Thusly we are asked to pray, "Father, may this bill be reduced, not expanded, during the reconciliation process. May unseemly provisions be removed and not added. Protect our children and grandchildren." And bible quotes are offered as support for how God/Jesus would actually give a flying rat's fuck about an economic stimulus package. In addition to assloads of Deuteronomy, there's this from Romans 13:8: "Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law." It's really just like they used "word search" on an online bible and hit "owe" or "debt."

Now, in one of those "so crazy it eats its own feces" moments, we're also told to pray that Barack Obama fails in bringing together different religious groups for interfaith dialogue. This relates to Obama's seemingly, from the nutzoid evangelical perspective, praiseworthy desire to put more funding into Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships. But, see, because that means funding might go to, you know, "neighborhood" groups and non-Christian "faith-based" ones, well, that won't fuckin' do. So the SDPT must pray (and this is real):

"May God restore America's Christian heritage, the bedrock and fabric of our nation! May efforts to undermine that heritage in favor of multicultural, polytheistic ethics in public life and government fail! May faith-based programs never be used to advance theological and political liberalism. May repentance and revival restore God's blessing to America! In Jesus' Name, Amen!"

You got that? If we're not suckin' Christ's toes while whipping ourselves bloody, we're allowing "multicultural, polytheistic ethics" to encroach on our good American way. So having an office of faith-based programs ain't enough anymore. Now that there's a president in office who isn't just paying lip service to the multiple religious nature of the nation, it's driving them fucking insane.

Oh, one of our bible passages that relates to this prayer? This little number from Psalm 9:17: "The wicked shall be turned into hell, and all the nations that forget God."

By the way, the very next verse, Psalm 9:18, says this: "For the needy shall not always be forgotten: the expectation of the poor shall not perish for ever." Guess what's worth praying for is all a question of context.