Tortured Logic (With a Side Note On the Necessity To Sodomize Bill O'Reilly With a Microphone):
Here's what we're reduced to in this long fart of an American autumn after the election: we get to be happy that the guy who feared marble breasts is gone and that the guy who thinks torture's okay is in as Attorney General. Remember Janet Reno? Remember how hated she was by so, so many on the right? So much so that to demonstrate her independence from the White House, she appointed Kenneth "Holy Shit, I Need To Get Laid" Starr to investigate President Clinton? Who, to show she was nobody's toady, she never halted the investigation, even when it had gone far, far afield of its purposes? Now, with Alberto Gonzales, a man for whom innocence is an irrelevant fact in death penalty cases, the right is praising his fealty to George Bush. And Bush his fealty to Gonzales, who once got the then-Governor out of Texas jury duty on a drunk driving case in order to avoid revealing Bush's own drunk driving record. How about this - instead of a nice, orderly Congressional hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee, the good Senators get to strip Gonzales nude, put a hood on his head, force him to masturbate, and then attach electrodes to his flaccid genitals and put a leash and collar on his neck. Then, with Patrick Leahy on the switch, let the questioning commence.

We're reduced to arguing about whether or not it's legal to conduct secret military tribunals in which the defendants are not allowed access to the evidence against them. Said a yapping asshole puppet for the Bush administration about the judgement against them which stopped the Gitmo tribunals, "By conferring protected legal status under the Geneva Conventions on members of Al Qaeda, the judge has put terrorism on the same legal footing as legitimate methods of waging war." Okay, could we get our ducks in a row here? Are we at war with "terror" and doesn't that seem to imply "war" with terrorists? And if Iraqis use the methods of terrorism, like car bombings, suicide bombings, etc., does that mean that they don't get Geneva Convention protections? And what about our soldiers? But, again, this is what we're reduced to arguing - whether America has the responsibility to abide by the rules of civilization. 'Cause, see, we're not just talking the "quaint" Geneva Conventions here. We're talking habeas corpus here, and legal rights which go back before the fucking Magna Carta. Fuck it, the Bush administration says, and confirms with its selection of Gonzales for Attorney General. Rule of the jungle, motherfuckers. Grab a vine and swing through the trees or the leopards will get you.

Which brings us to Bill O'Reilly, fan of falafel, lover of loofah, patron of pussy, viceroy of the vibrator, and baron of big boobs (also a Fox "News" host). The last couple of nights, O'Reilly has been chowing on Bush administration cock like two fat guys racin' to finish their plates of moo shu pork before the lunch buffet closes at the Peking Palace. Here he is on the U.S. District Court decision against the military tribunals: "Another ruling by an activist judge that puts us all in danger," he said. Then, to impugn Clinton appointee Judge James Robertson, O'Reilly, engorged on his own misguided ability to connect dots, said that Robertson was the judge who denied the Bush administration's attempt to silence Moveon.org during the election and who threw out the tax fraud indictment against Whitewater figure Webster Hubble (decisions which some of us might call "common sense"). "Subsequently, Hubble did not testify, the Clintons were not prosecuted," O'Reilly defecated. On Gonzales, you'd've thought O'Reilly had been ordered to put on a sombrero and shove a chalupa up his ass for all his praise-heaping (which mostly had to do with the fact that Gonzales "agrees with me").

Here we are, oh, sweet America, in the midst of an identity crisis. Who's right? Are we torturers with little or no regard for the rights of those we believe evil? Do we have any abiding principles anymore other than the accretion of power and influence and domination? Or are we who we mythically aspire to be, a people who value liberty and equality? God, what lies, what lies we must tell ourselves so we can sleep at night.