Main Course: Why Bill O'Reilly Ought To Be Sodomized With a Falafel:
Awww, sweet motherfuck, let it be true. Let it be true that O'Reilly told producer Andrea Mackris, after she broke up with her boyfriend, to "use your vibrator to blow off steam" and bragged about teaching another woman how to use a vibrator while having phone sex with her. Please, please, oh, God, Jesus, let it be true that he said the "little short brown woman" in a cabana in Bali asked to see O'Reilly's penis. Oh, ah, ohhhh, let it be true that O'Reilly told Mackris and her friend that he would "train" them in order for them to be good little fuck bunnies and then told them stories about fucking Thai hookers and Scandinavian stewardesses. Oh, yeah, smack it, smack it, smack it, let it be true that he threatened Al Franken with revenge through Roger Ailes. Yeah, yeah, that's right, you like that, don't you, don't you, let it be true that he owns a vibrator "shaped like a cock" and that he jacked off while on the phone with Mackris. No, no, not yet, not yet, slow down, shit. Damn. The Rude Pundit knew he'd climax early reading all of O'Reilly's alleged adventures in torturing employees. Anyways . . .

Let it be true that O'Reilly repeatedly reminded Mackris that she owed him a dinner out. Let it be true that he phoned her excitedly after interviewing a pair of porn stars. Let it be true that he offered to go with her to buy a vibrator. Let it be true that O'Reilly told Mackris he wanted to get her down to the Caribbean so he could get her drunk ("intravenously," if necessary) and then he'd get in a shower with her and rub her "big boobs" with a loofah and, as O'Reilly supposedly said, "then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I'd put it on your pussy but you'd have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business." Let it be true that O'Reilly said how he'd eat out Mackris and then she'd perform a teasing blow job on him. Let it be true that O'Reilly was fucking himself with a vibrator during this phone call. Let it be true that he told Mackris that she'd have to "suspend" thoughts about O'Reilly being her boss in order for him to fuck her. Let it be true that he told Mackris that she needed to have a sexual fantasy outlet, that it'd be "good for your mental health" before suggesting that "next time" she would come up to his hotel room and "make this happen."

Yeah, yeah, it'd be horrible for Mackris if it's true, but sometimes someone's gotta take one for the team. And you can be a pussy and talk about how horrible it'd be for O'Reilly if it's not true, but, you know, and, really, O'Reilly has helped destroy so many people through his lies, that it couldn't happen to a nicer guy. O'Reilly couldn't get enough of Monica Lewinsky or Chandra Levy, using consensual sexual activity as a means to destroy Democrats. And the asshole is just like Bush - always blaming his problems on someone else. Here's O'Reilly on his radio show about the lawsuit: "We believe that the people behind this lawsuit are on the left. But on the right, too, I mean, I get a lot of lunatic-fringe right people screaming and yelling. And they want to do anything they can to destroy the voice. They want us off the air. They want FOX off the air; they want O'Reilly off the air; and the other commentators they don't like . . . And you can see this in a pattern of behavior where a Hollywood-funded documentaries [sic]; smear books from major publishing houses; elite media picking up this stuff and then running with it in a favorable way. I mean, there's a smear documentary out on FOX . . . there's big money behind this. Big, big money. And it's not an accident that this extortion attempt came three weeks before the election -- four weeks before the election. It's no accident -- this is not a coincidence."

And that's why that smug motherfucker deserves this and why we all get to bask in schadenfreude. Because for O'Reilly it's just a big fuckin' conspiracy against him. So, please, please, God, Allah, Buddha, who the fuckever or no one, let it be true. 'Cause if it's true, then the right will have O'Reilly, vibrator-using falafel fucker, and Rush Limbaugh, batshit insane hillbilly heroin addict.

All we need then is to find the bodies of molested children buried in Sean Hannity's backyard, and we'll have hit the trifecta.