The Penis and the Damage Done:
On the once-mediocre, now piece-of-shit "news" magazine 20/20 this Friday, there's gonna be a baby auction, just like at Sotheby's, except the currency is pity. In one of those "You've got to be fuckin' kiddin' me" moments that are so exquisitely painful, Barbara "Goddamn, There's Not Enough Oxycontin In the World To Dull the Pain of My Existence" Walters is going to host a baby-giveaway: seems there's a pregnant 16 year-old who wants to give up the baby to a "deserving" couple. In the course of the episode, we'll meet five desperate couples who will vie for our and this knocked-up teenager's affections, and then we'll see who gets the baby. Goddamn, do you think this could be a whole new weekly series? Who Wants a Newborn? Maybe we could arrange for daring contests, like cleanest diaper change or most lactaste-a-licious breasts (with the Iron Chef panel judging the taste of the moms' teat juice). Yep, we sure do honor "life" in this country.

'Cause, you know, the hypocrisy of the "pro-life" movement knows few bounds, especially when it comes to politicians who nuzzle at the nipple of the fundamentalist dugs. In 1976, the Hyde Amendment passed, named for one of the most viperous, verminous weasel-fuckers in the history of the Congress, Henry Hyde of Illinois (we know him and love him for attacking Clinton's morality without revealing he had had a "youthful" affair when he was in his forties), cutting off federal funds for abortions for low-income women. Meanwhile, the Republicans continue their vicious attack on low-income women, insufficiently funding child care or Medicaid. Let's put it in historical context, one that rears its ugly, ugly head to this day: you can't reasonably decry "welfare moms" who take money from the government if the government won't pay for abortions to prevent said moms from becoming moms. Let's use Colin Powell's Pottery Barn rule: you broke it, you bought it. You want women to bring to term all their pregnancies? You better motherfucking (literally) provide some motherfucking money. Check out this fact sheet from last month from the Center for Law and Social Policy, which discusses, among other things, the criminally under-funded state block grants for child care. Want a rude project for the future? How about this: since 1976, how have low income birth rates been affected by the Hyde Amendment? How many kids who may have been aborted have ended up on welfare rolls? It's not a way to attack the poor - it's a way to get the right to put the fuck up or shut the fuck up.

Twelve years ago, the Rude Pundit marched in Washington. He threw tennis balls on the White House lawn to protest the fact that President Bush the Elder was vacationing instead of taking seriously the words and actions of half-a-million of his citizens. And, in so many ways, that march was one of the myriad indications that Bush I was on his way out the door. When a President hides his head in the sand from reality, that President is no longer useful.

Now, another Bush, another march, this one 800,000 strong, filled with women and men who had had enough of being told for the last decade that to be a feminist is to be a "feminazi." Sure, there was the usual queasy equivocating: the Rude Pundit is going to punch the next person who says, "I don't support abortion, but I support a woman's right to choose." Name a single person who is going around saying, "Abort all your babies." And it's usually a man who says this sort of thing, as if the man is just tolerating the right to choose, patronizing those silly women and their fecund uteruses. If you ever hear anyone say "I don't support . . .", tell that person to shut the fuck up. And if it's a man, kick him in his no longer useful penis.

Otherwise, let's say this about the march (which the Rude Pundit said twelve years ago): Welcome to democracy, President Bush. Welcome to freedom of speech. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.