Masturbating Monkey Man:
For seventeen alarming minutes last night, a shocked nation watched as George W. Bush jacked off on camera. We've all been there - walkin' through the zoo, past the iguana terrarium, past the bear "environment," to the monkey cage, where, inconveniently for the sensibilities of the children and uncomfortably for the grown-ups who didn't believe that erect chimps were so damn huge, the monkeys are masturbating. Usually it's a pretty quick process, monkey fantasies generally not interrupted by thoughts of bills or Wal-Mart moms in spandex. Monkey fantasies are probably pretty much fucking the shit out of some other monkey in the cage. The monkey looks intense, furrows his oversized brow, and just yanks at that red son of a bitch until he comes, yowling in delight over his ability to shoot pearl jam all over the gathered crowd. Oh, sure, some are shocked, some act like the monkey scored a touchdown, but, either way, they're standing there, gleaming with steamy hot monkey jizz.

And so it goes for the press and the people of the United States.

Fuck it - analysis later today.