Accept It, GOP: Mitt Romney Is All You've Got:
There's one part of the Rick-Perry-sucks-at-debatin' story that's been left out: it wasn't just that Perry may as well have been on stage blowing goats for how appalling he was. That's the easy headline. No, the truth is that Mitt Romney kicked Perry's ass all over the Orlando Convention Center last week. When he first announced he was running, pundits across the spectrum expected Perry to just saunter into the GOP saloon, order whiskey, shoot the piano player, down the shot, and take the whore upstairs, all before the doors had stopped swinging.

But at the Fox "news"/Google (really?) debate in batshit insane central Florida, it was the Harvard-educated milk drinker who told Perry that he didn't like his pretty girl hair and then wiped the floor with him.

Inasmuch as one can enjoy these truly painful events, where a bunch of buffoons and opportunists try to out-cruel each other while an audience of subhuman yahoos yawp at every savage bleat and hoot when someone dares to offer a vaguely compassionate sentiment as the moderators solemnly pretend that any of the belching and farting from the candidates is worth our time, a couple of the Romney retorts were awesome just because they smacked down that cowboy hard-on that's been fucking the nation.

For instance, when Perry tried to say that Romney supported President Obama's Race to the Top education legislation, Romney just smiled and said, "Nice try" and then "I'm not sure exactly what he's saying," which, by that point, we could all agree with. And later, when Perry attempted to tie Romney to the federal health care reform law, Romney responded, "I don't think he knows what he was talking about." Then Romney hogtied the Texas governor, took Perry's book, Fed Up!, and shoved it up Perry's ass, which, not unexpectedly, Perry found himself enjoying, especially as the ropes cut into his wrists and ankles, the Republicans' power bottom loving the reaming.

Look, dear GOP: Mitt Romney will be your nominee and, truly, there is nothing you can do about it. You can go through this whole charade. You can get Sarah Palin in on the party. Chris Christie ain't gonna run no matter how much money or pie you dangle in front of him because, while he may be despicable, he's smart: he knows that he's got a far better chance of winning in 2016. So there is no savior for you. There is no genuine hope on the horizon. You are stuck with the boring Mormon who is desperately trying for crazy conservative street cred by beating up on the cowboy. Sorry to tell you all, but this year is about Romney finally buying the nomination and then losing to Obama. End of story. (Note: Unless Republican efforts to steal the election through limiting voter access succeed.)

And why is that? Obviously, because the Republican Party is fucking insane right now. Yes, both Democrats and Republicans are beholden to their corporate masters, but the Republican is being pulled apart by the Tea Party nutzoids, who just won't shut the fuck up and go away. Obama is finally exploiting their madness to ask what direction you want the country to go in, and he's just getting warmed up. It's a pretty basic question: "Do you wanna be with the people who dress in colonial drag and carry around illiterate signs? No, didn't think so. But Mitt sure does." Game over. (Note: Local insanity is far more likely to succeed than national insanity, so the nutzoids could win more congressional seats.)

Let's put it this way, as we should when we want to see how devolved the GOP has become: as Governor of California, Ronald Reagan vastly expanded abortion access in his state, signed into law the largest state tax increase in U.S. history, and nearly doubled the size of his government. That Republican would be hooted off the stage and run out of town. But that didn't stop the candidates from evoking his mythical name again and again.