Family Research Council: "If Gay Marriage Passes in NY, God Must Hate Us" (Updated):
There it was in his glowing email inbox, with the subject "Urgent Prayer Alert," screaming at him for instantaneous action. "Merciful motherfuck," the Rude Pundit thought as he desperately touch-padded over to the message, "what could it be? Child slaughter in Syria? Nuclear conflagration in Japan? How many lives are at stake that we members of the Super-Duper Prayer Team can beg God-Jeezes to save?"
The Rude Pundit joined the Super-Duper Prayer Team of the ultra-mega-conservative Family Research Council (motto: "When Democrats raise taxes, an angel loses its wings") under a nom de rude, and he receives weekly orders of what issues he should give a Cleveland steamprayer to. But an urgent prayer? This has happened only rarely.
And there, in the message, after a brief promotion for the FRC's upcoming praypalooza, the Call2Fall, with its fellatio-rific logo, was the emergency: the possible same-sex marriage vote in the New York Senate, the worstest thing to happen in the history of forever, like five Holocausts, three Hiroshimas, and a really bad wedgie, all at the same time. Because, see, "New York, the nation's third largest state, were it to become the 6th state plus Washington, DC, to legalize same-sex marriage, could prove to be decisive in the culture war for America's soul." Yeah, and "much more than marriage is on the line."
What could be on the line? Will So You Think You Can Dance get canceled? Will McDonald's stop making french fries? Will the Statue of Liberty sink into the sea? Chaos, dear people, chaos in the offing: "Marriage was God's first institution among mankind. Foreordained as the symbol of our Savior's relationship with His redeemed people, it is built into the fabric of nature." Yes, you might ask, but what about the children? What can we tell our children? "Parents teach their children how to be good citizens and advocates for a just, God-honoring nation. Such homes are essential for the renewal and survival of our nation." You get it? Does it need to be spelled out for you? If gays can marry, then children will just say, "Fuck this stupid assfucking nation. Let's burn shit."
So, urgently, the SDPT has to get on its knees and engage in autoerotic prayerphyxiation. "God, intervene!" the FRC tells us to yelp. "Show yourself mighty on behalf of your people and your cause. Stop this bill and preserve Biblical marriage in New York State. In Jesus Name, Amen!" Then, conveniently, we're directed to Bible passages that happen to mention marriage, like Hebrews 13:4, which, according to good ol' King James, reads, "Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." Whoremongers and adulterers. Got it. And gays and lesbians? No? Huh. Although Hebrews 13:1 says, "Let brotherly love continue." Sweet.
And if the New York Senate passes the gay marriage bill? By implication, it must mean that God says, "Oh, suck my sacred sack" to evangelicals.
Update: And, lo, God presented his balls and said unto the fundamentalists, "Yea, place these hairy orbs into your mouths and wash 'em real good."