Bush Prays, Jesus Pukes:
Whenever George W. Bush prays, somewhere out in the ether, Jesus Christ vomits. It's a nearly Pavlovian response, and, fortunately for Jesus, unless he's out in public, Bush rarely ever prays. This morning, though, Jesus's guts twisted in retching as the President spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast. "Aw, fuck," Jesus thought as his throat burned from the acid puke, "should have checked his schedule," remembering having that extra serving of falafel, slugging back the extra glass of wine last night.
Jesus tried to listen to the prayer without gagging. He got through Bush's initial words, but when Bush tried to explain the gathering, saying, "We believe that the Almighty hears our prayers -- and answers those who seek Him. That's what we believe; otherwise, why come?", well, even the strongest stomach would throw up.
"Wait, wait, wait," Jesus called out to God, who was catching up on American Idol on the Tivo, "did he just say the only reason to come together and pray is to get stuff? Aw, fuck." And he ran into the bathroom.
"Pick up the seat," God mumbled. People used to be kinder to Jesus when he blew holy chunks. Mary Magdalene would hold back his hair, but now that whore's too busy watching Obama speak. Besides, God thought, Jesus should have learned to stop being such a sensitive pussy a long time ago.
Bush continued, "In prayer, we grow in meekness and humility. By approaching our Maker on bended knee, we acknowledge our complete dependence on Him. We recognize that we have nothing to offer God that He does not already have -- except our love. So we offer Him that love, and ask for the grace to discern His will. We ask Him to remain near to us at all times. We ask Him to help us lead lives that are pleasing to Him. We discover that by surrendering our lives to the Almighty, we are strengthened, refreshed, and ready for all that may come."
That's some sick shit, Jesus thought. Coming from a man who specifically authorized that other men be drowned for information, a man who reserves the right to do it again if he wants to, it's just a fuckin' lie. And, seriously, man, Jesus wanted to tell Bush, that's some Taliban-soundin' fucktardery. Besides, Jesus thought, he doesn't have a Wii yet; can't he get a goddamn Wii before he gets any more love? "Aw, fuck," Jesus yelled, another wave of heaves hitting him. "Why doesn't he fuckin' stop?"
Said Bush, "We ask Him to heal the sick, and comfort the dying, and sustain those who care for them. We ask Him to bring solace to the victims of tragedy, and help to those suffering from addiction and adversity. We ask him to strengthen our families, and to protect the innocent and vulnerable in our country. We ask Him to protect our nation from those who wish us harm -- and watch over all who stepped forward to defend us. We ask Him to bring about the day when His peace shall reign across the world -- and every tear shall be wiped away."
Jesus wondered, between technicolor yawns, why every time conservatives talk about prayer, they make it sound like people can't do shit for themselves, but when it comes to the government actually doing shit to, you know, "help those suffering" and protecting "the innocent and vulnerable," it's all, "Hey, motherfuckers, do that shit on your own." Or pray. It's a vicious circle.
Bush went on: "Experiencing the presence of God transforms our hearts -- and the more we seek His presence, the more we feel the tug at our souls to reach out to the poor, and the hungry, the elderly, and the infirm. When we answer God's call to love a neighbor as ourselves, we enter into a deeper friendship with our fellow man -- and a deeper relationship with our eternal Father."
Jesus yelled at his computer, "No, no, no, you don't get to say this shit when you veto a bill to give more children health care because you're afraid some adults might get to go to the doctor, too. Fucker. Aw, fuck." And it was his no-longer-thorned-crowned head back into the porcelain. "Can you stop this?" Jesus called out to God.
"What do you want? I'm out of tornadoes right now. Besides, he's almost done," God answered, turning up the volume so he could drown out his son's horrible roars of puke.
Bush ends by saying how much prayer has helped him be President. One last dry heave and Jesus Christ knew he was done for the day. "I'm gonna go get lit," he told his father, heading into his room for his holy water-filled bong.