Live Vodka-Shot Blogging the President's News Conference:
Time to take the bottle out of the freezer. The Rude Pundit's not fact-checkin' here. Leave that to Think Progress. This is just about seeing if Bush finishes before the Rude Pundit passes out.

10:30 - Why the hell is George W. Bush having another worthless goddamned press conference? He's like an adolescent boy who just discovered that jacking off makes him feel good, so he's gonna thwack that dick as often as he can get it up.

10:32 - He's opening with the bad news, which means he's gettin' it out of the way so he can say...wait for it...boo-yah, "success in Iraq" must happen.

10:34 - Aw, fuck, he's givin a history lesson on the war, blaming the Iraqis for fucking up when their country was shredded by some shockin' and awin'. Bush is saying that Iraqis didn't live up to the neocons mythical expectations. It's like listening to a guy who just fucked his secretary explain to his wife how he didn't fuck his secretary.

10:37 - "Americans have no intention...of standing in the crossfire between warring factions." And then the theme emerges: we aren't just staying the course, motherfuckers, we're as pliable as a moist clitoris.

10:38 - Already bored. The Rude Pundit's thinking of the most frightening Halloween costume he could wear. Maybe it'll be a zombie Rush Limbaugh gnawing on Michael J. Fox's brain. Nah. Too much padding.

10:42 - "I know the American people want to win" in Iraq. It's a well-worn question, but what is "winning"? What is victory?

10:44 - Bush ain't "satisfied" with the situation in Iraq. Umm, gee, motherfucker, didn't you put that souffle' in the oven? If it doesn't rise, it ain't our fault.

10:45 - Bush just promised to make sure more Americans are killed in Iraq. He hides it in the cloak of troop worship, but serial killers sometimes love their victims.

10:47 - Comparing Iraq to World War II: "This is a war against extremists and radicals who kill innocents" and a war against "an ideology," both of which, to Bush, are extraordinarily different than, say, fighting against the Jew-exterminating fascists of Germany.

10:49 - Oh, fuck, he's giving that creepy squint-smile. And he's off - acting like a phone psychic, predicting what people of the future will say about us. Apparently, "My mommy was blown-up in a worthless war" is not one of those things. Nor is "Boy, I'm glad we stopped using gasoline cars."

10:52 - He's already gone through every goddamn talking point. It's all repetition and shrinking variation from here on out.

10:53 - Ah, okay, so like, victory in Iraq is a government that can stand on its own and is an "ally" in the war on terror. So there's no victory if Iraq decides fuck you, imperialists, we'll take care of our own shit.

10:57 - David Gregory asks about Bush's "semantic, rhetorical games." This ain't gonna be pretty.

10:58 - "Benchmarks are not timetables" for the "sovereign" Iraqi government, Bush says. However, he continues, we will ask the Iraqis to tell us when they'll achieve certain goals. And, hey, fuck you, David.

11:01 - Maybe a headless Ann Coulter. Oh, no, even better: dress like Sean Hannity with Ann Coulter's decapitated head glued to the crotch.

11:07 - Is Bush on his meds today? Or is he just acting sane? C'mon, where's bugfuck Georgie?

11:09 - Bush says he's asked Rumsfeld "to do some difficult tasks." Was every other Secretary of Defense just handed pussy jobs to do?

11:13 - He won't answer hypotheticals, except to predict what Americans of, say, 2050 might say about Americans of 2006.

11:14 - Sweet - bugfuck Georgie is back, with his old refrain of "I understand how tough it is," the same thing he must have told Laura on their honeymoon about her lack of orgasms.

11:17 - Repetition, repetition, repetition, repetition (repeat endlessly)

11:18 - Wait, wait, wait, here. The Iraqi government is not "in a position" to look five or ten years into the future? Didn't Bush do that by saying what would happen if the United States left Iraq? Maybe it's not a hypothetical if Bush says he knows for sure.

11:20 - Maybe a Mark Foley costume with page boy handpuppet so one can stick one's hand up its ass and wiggle one's fingers inside.

11:22 - Campaign mode. Republicans meaner than Democrats. Republicans give you money. Ugh. You like money.

11:25 - Wonder if that burrito place is open for lunch? A burrito'd soak up all this vodka.

11:26 - Bush says when he's on the campaign trail, at his events where everyone has been pre-screened, he sees support for Republicans. He sees "enthusiasm" among the "grass roots activists." And he agrees that electing a Congress has "national implications." Bully for him.

11:29 - Bush like campaign. Campaign fun. Eat chicken. Shake hands. No hard thinking.

11:31 - What a cranky little pussy Bush is when it comes to follow-ups. And motherfucker is so paranoid about timetables.

11:34 - "People gotta trust elected leaders in order for democracy to work," and he thinks people ought to be held to account. Man, his heart ain't in it. This is like watching a forced march through a desert. Speaking of, time for a drink...

That's it. Got through a little over half a bottle. And we learned so much that we didn't know before, like...no...maybe...nah. Oh, shit, wait - he didn't mention 9/11, did he?