Osama Laughed:
In some cave that smells of shit and incense, somewhere in the Safed Koh mountain range in Pakistan, far enough from the Khyber Pass to be incognito, Osama bin Laden is laughing his ass off watching his satellite television. He's laughing so hard on his cot that he's yanked out his catheter and now piss covers him, but it's so worth it to have this hearty laugh. It might be the guffaw that kills him, but in the end he will die knowing that he won, that in a handful of acts of violence, he showed the world who Americans really are.

Osama bin Laden laughed at the absurdity of the statements of those supporting the Military Commissions Act of 2006. At the fact that, with a straight face (for, indeed, what other face does he have?), Senator Mitch McConnell could say, "We are at war against extremists who want to kill our citizens, cripple our economy, and discredit the principles we hold dear--freedom and democracy," even as he voted to gut some of those principles like a river trout before a campfire. McConnell continued, to Osama's great amusement, "This system is exceedingly fair since al-Qaida in no way follows the Geneva Conventions or any other international norm. Al-Qaida respects no law, no authority, no legitimacy but that of its own twisted strain of radical Islam. Al-Qaida grants no procedural rights to Americans they capture." Yes, Osama thinks, one of his great achievements was to bring the great and wide United States into the caves with him.

Osama bin Laden chortled as the mighty John McCain spouted forth, "Should the United States be seen as amending, modifying, or redefining the Geneva Conventions, it would open the door for our adversaries to do the same, now and in the future. The United States should champion the Geneva Conventions, not look for ways to get around them, lest we invite others to do the same," even as the torture-weakened Senator voted to allow the Geneva Conventions to be interpreted with the same clarity as the clues in an episode of Lost (unironically, one of bin Laden's favorite shows).

Yes, yes, oh, how Osama bin Laden's having a great laugh at our expense. When the Congressional debate first began, bin Laden simply said, "Goddamn, I expected to fuck some shit up, but, really, c'mon, who would've thought we'd do this?" as his men around him wiped piss from his lap, shit from his ass, but could do nothing to get that fucking smirk off his face.