Get Your Filthy Faith Out of Our Secular Legal System

One of the hopes and dreams for Jesus-fellating right-wingers and fascists who know how to manipulate the Jesus fellaters is that the 2024 election will hasten the establishment of a Christian nationalist government for this damned country. That means, among other scary shit, laws come directly from an invisible sky wizard or, you know, "God," and the book of fiction that is the Christian bible. (Just to be fair and clear, all books of fables about sky wizards and their earth-bound superfriends and relatives are fictional, no matter which flavor they happen to be.) And it means that you will need to follow what they claim their sky wizard tells them, whether you believe in that sky wizard or not.

In the past week. two judges, one on the Alabama Supreme Court and one on the U.S. Supreme Court, issued opinions that they didn't have to issue just to put forth the idea that the law needs to take into account what "God" thinks about shit. Seriously, the decisions in the cases, which they agree with, were completed and then they went and added their own bullshit side opinions just so they could flog for crazed right-wing Christianity.

Over at the Supreme Court (motto: "Harming as many people as possible as quickly as we can"), the justices declined to hear a case from Missouri "about people removed from a jury after voicing religious objections to gay relationships." More precisely, Jean Finney, a female employee for the Missouri Department of Corrections, was suing because a male co-worker retaliated against her for being in a same-sex relationship with the man's ex-wife. During jury selection, which, again, was in Missouri, Finney's attorney asked prospective jurors, "How many of you went to a religious organization growing up where it was taught that people that are homosexuals shouldn’t have the same rights as everyone else because it was a sin with what they did?" A bunch raised their hands because, again, Missouri. Three jurors were excluded by the judge for their anti-gay bias when they said they couldn't set aside their belief that their sky wizard will be angry with them if they're nice to a lesbian. The state lost the case and appealed based on the exclusion of homophobes for Jesus. Other courts denied the appeal, and the Supreme Court let the verdict stand.

And that should have been that. It's a rational decision, one that even the conservatives went along with because of procedural issues with the state. But then fuckin' Samuel Alito, who wrote a dickish dissent in the Obergefell decision legalizing same-sex marriage, had to say fuckin' something. See, Sammy's sad because he feels this is unfair, that people who say they have to deny rights to the gays shouldn't be treated any differently when they're in a position to deny rights to the gays. Scribbles Sammy, "Americans who do not hide their adherence to traditional religious beliefs about homosexual conduct will be 'labeled as bigots and treated as such' by the government." He's quoting his own Obergefell dissent there. 

Finney's lawyer was worried, quite rightly, that the "conduct" of her client involved activities that the Christ brigade thinks should be punished, you know, eternally. But Sammy doesn't think that's enough to exclude them from the jury. "When a court, a quintessential state actor, finds that a person is ineligible to serve on a jury because of his or her religious beliefs, that decision implicates fundamental rights," he whines. He says he would have wanted the court to take the case because of the constitutional issues, but the state fucked up procedural stuff and so, sorry, not this time. However, Alito is indicating he wants jurors to be allowed to bring their religious prejudices to the justice system.

Let's be perfectly clear, though. If you think an invisible sky wizard is commanding you to be a bigot, you're just a fucking bigot, and you should be treated like a fucking bigot. The rest of us don't give a fuck about your faith unless you try to impose it on the rest of us. You can choose to believe or not. You can choose to act on those beliefs. And that's on you. But you'll have to wait until Sammy gets his chance to baptize the law.

However, down in Alabama (state motto: "Are we worse than Mississippi? Maybe"), by a 7-2 decision, the state's Supreme Court declared that frozen embryos are the legal equivalent of children and thus if you dispose of unused embryos after your IVF treatment is successful, you've essentially killed kids. The mad legal reasoning on this is some clusterfuck of Alabama bullshit: the Sanctity of Life Amendment to the state constitution, as well as the Wrongful Death of a Minor law. The motherfuckers on the state court have long said that "unborn" children fall under the law. And the horrific implications of the decision are just being felt as hospitals and clinics that do IVF are saying that they can't risk their employees, doctors, nurses, whoever going to jail, so they are pausing something that is literally about women who definitely want children. In saving the zygotesicles, the court majority is preventing actual births.

The majority opinion is batshit enough, but Chief Justice Tom Parker, whose look says, "I really want to enslave women," took the extra step of writing a concurring opinion because he wanted to kick out the Jesus jams hard. After leaps of legal and theological logic that would make a kangaroo jealous, at the end, Parker gets to what he really, really wants to say. And, fuck it, I'm just gonna quote it in full because you need to behold the bonkers fuckery in all its wretchedness:

"The People of Alabama have declared the public policy of this State to be that unborn human life is sacred. We believe that each human being, from the moment of conception, is made in the image of God, created by Him to reflect His likeness. It is as if the People of Alabama took what was spoken of the prophet Jeremiah and applied it to every unborn person in this state: 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, Before you were born I sanctified you.' Jeremiah 1:5 (NKJV 1982). All three branches of government are subject to a constitutional mandate to treat each unborn human life with reverence. Carving out an exception for the people in this case, small as they were, would be unacceptable to the People of this State, who have required us to treat every human being in accordance with the fear of a holy God who made them in His image."

How about that? Everyone in Alabama has to abide by this jackass's ultra-conservative imaginary friend. 

First off, I know this isn't the most important part of the whole thing, but that line from the Book of Jeremiah is tossed around by anti-choicers all the time. It even shows up on their posters and bumper stickers and shit. And it doesn't fucking mean what they are saying it means. This isn't God making some general statement about loving everyone. No, it's God trying to convince Jeremiah to get off his ass and go be a prophet. That's why he sanctified Jeremiah. The rest of the verse is "Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations." It's a guilt trip by God before he gets all pissy about it. God's saying, "Look at all the shit I did so you could go be my spokesman." Seems way more specific in context. Then Jeremiah is all, "But I'm too young," and then God is all, "The fuck you say. I'll tell you what to do. Now fucking do it." So even Parker's cheap use of a bible verse to back him up is garbage.

But think of what that piece of the concurrence means. Imagine being Muslim or Jewish or, god forbid, an atheist in Alabama, and reading this shit. It's a big "fuck you" to anyone who doesn't believe in the cruelest version of Christianity. Parker believes it. He fucking well said, "God created government, and the fact that we have let it go into the possession of others, it’s heartbreaking." He totally supports this weirdo thing called the Seven Mountain Mandate, which is not some gay fun on a long camping trip. No, it's this bugfuck nuts idea that seven "mountains" that have "cultural influence" should be filtered through Jesus's ball hair: religion, family, government, education, media, arts/entertainment, and business. Speaker of the House and man who definitely isn't watching chicken porn Mike Johnson is into it. So is rat-bearded Ted Cruz. Or so they say. Who knows what these fucks really believe.

And to those of us who don't believe, it's madness. It's undemocratic. And it's filled with hate for women, for LGBTQ people, for anyone who isn't willing to say, "Yes, I believe an invisible sky wizard controls us all and will grant us wishes if we tell him we love him all the time." I mean, I might think that people like Alito and Parker actually believe this shit if they didn't constantly make decisions that seem to be the exact opposite of what the sky wizard says you should do for the poor, the hungry, the less fortunate right there in his Big Book of Stories. 

What's even scarier is how willing con men like noted rapist and fraud Donald Trump are willing to use Christian nationalism as a tool in their fascist chest. We're just gonna bumblefuck into Gilead.

(Bonus quote: Parker dismisses one of his fellow justices who wrote a dissent in the Alabama decision. He says, "To the extent that Justice Cook is predicting that IVF will now end in Alabama, that prediction does not seem to be well-founded." If Parker were capable of anything like self-reflection, he sure as fuck owes Cook an apology.)

Justice Engoron Tells Trump to Fucking Live in Reality Already

I'm not gonna pretend to understand all the financial shenanigans detailed in Manhattan Supreme Court Judge Arthur Engoron's decision in the civil fraud trial against noted rapist Donald Trump and his stupid company. But I do know a bitch-slapping when I see one, and, to my reading sensibilities, Engoron has his bitch-slapping gloves on and his knuckles cracked and he's getting down to the business of slapping some bitches. 

Check out how he describes Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg as a pathetic little lapdog: "[H]is testimony in this trial was intentionally evasive, with large gaps of 'I don't remember.' He conceded that his Separation Agreement, on which he is still apparently awaiting four payments, prohibits him from voluntarily cooperating with any entity adverse to the Trump Organization or its former or current employees. That alone renders his testimony highly unreliable. The Trump Organization keeps Weisselberg on a short leash, and it shows." Weisselberg was still waiting to get paid his full severance from a man who notoriously cheaps out on his debts (but now Weisselberg not only won't get it, he has to pay back what he already got). Engoron goes further in enbitchifying Weisselberg, adding, "As CFO, Weisselberg oversaw the Trump Organization's accounting department, although he was not a certified public accountant (CPA) and did not know any components of GAAP." That last thing there is "Generally Accepted Accounting Principles." In other words, Weisselberg doesn't know shit about shit and is only there to cover up all the criming. 

While there are jabs at Eric and Donald Trump, Jr., Engoron obviously wants to tear apart the myth that Trump created around his wealth. Here's the judge on one property that the rapist/former president ludicrously overvalued: "Donald Trump insisted that he believed Mar- a-Lago is worth 'between a billion and a billion five today,' which would require not only valuing it as a private residence, which the deed prohibits, but as more than the most expensive private residence listed in the country by approximately 400%." A footnote links to a goddamn palace in Los Angeles (where property is a little pricier than in Swampy Nutrot, Florida) that's really the most expensive house, listed at $290 million. Fun fact: it was on the market because its owner/builder couldn't afford it and went bankrupt. It sold for just $141 million, so, yeah, hubris and lies will fuck you every time. 

Later in the decision, Engoron states flatly, "There can be no mistake that Donald Trump's valuation of Mar-a-Lago from 2011-2021 was fraudulent." It doesn't get any clearer.

But Engoron was just getting warmed up with the bitch-slapping of Trump, who, to be fair, should have had someone on staff to bitch-slap him daily. After giving examples of Trump's bullshitting (like lying about how many stories one of his buildings is or defending his failure to live up to an agreement on Mar-a-Lago not being a single residence with "when you say, 'intend,' intend doesn't mean we will do it"), Engoron summarizes Trump's testimony with something that ought to be the equivalent of the Special Counsel report saying that Biden is forgetful: "Overall, Donald Trump rarely responded to the questions asked, and he frequently interjected long, irrelevant speeches on issues far beyond the scope of the trial. His refusal to answer the questions directly, or in some cases, at all, severely compromised his credibility." There it is: the former president and adjudicated rapist isn't credible. You can't trust the motherfucker.

Compare that to Engoron's insights on former Trump fixer Michael Cohen: "Although the animosity between the witness and the defendant is palpable, providing Cohen with an incentive to lie, the Court found his testimony credible, based on the relaxed manner in which he testified, the general plausibility ofhis statements, and, most importantly, the way his testimony was corroborated by other trial evidence. A less-forgiving factfinder might have concluded differently, might not have believed a single word of a convicted perjurer. This factfinder does not believe that pleading guilty to perjury means that you can never tell the truth . Michael Cohen told the truth." Goddamn, that's a kick right in Trump's voluminous ass: the guy who went to prison because he was covering up for Trump is now more credible than his ex-boss.

In his conclusions, Engoron lets it all loose, all the anger he had to have from this prissy little wannabe mobster prancing in and out of his courtroom, pretending to be a pugilist when he was really just a punk. I mean, look at this pantsing: "Donald Trump was aware of many of the key facts underpinning various material fraudulent misstatements in the SFCs [statements of financial condition]: he was aware of having deeded away the right to use Mar-a- Lago as anything other than a social club, and notwithstanding, continued to value it as if it could be used as a single family residence ; he was aware that the Triplex apartment in which he, a real estate mogul and self-identified expert, resided for decades was not 30,000 square feet, but actually 10,996 square feet...he was aware that he had permission to build only 500 private residences in Aberdeen, notwithstanding that he represented that he had permission for 2500; and he was aware that 40 Wall Street was operating at a deficit despite proclaiming that it was running a net operating income of $64 million. As Eric Trump testified, Donald Trump sat at the top of the pyramid of the Trump Organization until 2017. Donald Trump professed to know more about real estate than other people and to be more expert than anybody else. He repeatedly falsified business records with the intent to defraud."

That's a fucking reality check right there. It's a list of lies from which Trump benefited financially, as well as a way of telling Trump that he can't pretend that his fantasy world is the truth. To that end, Engoron, towards the end, even expresses his disbelief in the delusions that Trump and his shitty family and shitty employees, co-conspirators all, keep professing to believe in the face of demonstrable facts: "Their complete lack of contrition and remorse borders on pathological . They are accused only of inflating asset values to make more money. The documents prove this over and over again. This is a venial sin, not a mortal sin . Defendants did not commit murder or arson. They did not rob a bank at gunpoint. Donald Trump is not Bernard Madoff. Yet, defendants are incapable of admitting the error of their ways...Indeed, Donald Trump testified that, even today, he does not believe the Trump Organization needed to make any changes based on the facts that came out during this trial." So, yeah, Engoron says, we need to act like these skeevy fucks are just gonna do it all again. Hence his heavy financial penalty and other restrictions, including an independent monitor with the ability to shut the whole operation down. 

I mean, really, though, it's not fair to compare Trump to Madoff. Madoff at least pretended to apologize and take responsibility for his crimes. The final bitch slap here, though, is what Engoron is implying: if Trump had just admitted that he was fucking with the numbers and took some lumps for it, there's a good chance he would have had just a few mild fines and not the wealth-depleting decision here. But that egotistical orange rapist can't ever be told he's wrong, so, in the end, he bitch-slapped himself to the tune of a half-billion bucks.

Completely Batshit Things from a Trump Speech That Won't Get as Much Coverage as Biden's Age

This week, everyone in the media apparently decided that Joe Biden is too old to be president again. One report from a Trump-appointed former US Attorney that has a few lines simping for MAGA cred by dissing Biden's memory for shit that happened years ago, and it's like we have to act like Biden's crumbling into dust before our eyes like a long-buried mummy who was touched before being preserved.  It's frankly fucked to watch the New York Times and CNN and other outlets climb over each other to try to out-dick one another on Biden's age. 

No shit he's old. We fucking know that. No shit that he's flubbed some names and dates. Biden's been doing that for decades. He's even joked about it before. And he's gonna continue to do it just like I'm going to sometimes call my dog by the name of the dog I had 20 years ago. Prove to me that his age has diminished his presidency. Fucking prove that to me and you'll have an argument to make saying that he should step away.

Meanwhile, the other candidate, Donald Trump, is an actual rapist (which can never be said enough) who bumblefucks through his speeches like a raging manatee flailing around on the shore and just about as articulate. Yesterday, he promised to refuse to live up to our treaty obligations to NATO and, in the rapiest language he could manage, said that, for countries who don't pay what he deems as a far amount to NATO, he'd "encourage" Russia "to do whatever the hell they want" to them. That's world war kind of shit talk. That's poking the bear in the nuts. And it is objectively worse than every single time Joe Biden has gotten a country wrong combined. 

I mean, have reporters just become so numb that they can't see how psychotic, incoherent, and dangerous Trump's speeches are? It's not just that he's promising to allow the execution of shoplifters. It's that he wants to use the military and law enforcement from red states to invade blue states to round up migrants into camps before deporting them. It's some dystopian fuckery of the rankest order, like the start of a civil war. And the rhetoric Trump uses about migrants is not just provocative. It's threatening. It's degrading and dehumanizing. And it's getting people hurt.

If you take any recent Trump speech, you can listen or watch (or, if you can't stand that and go into convulsions of shitting yourself in rage whenever you hear his lethargic, slurping voice, read the transcript) and there are dozens of things that, if ever hinted at by a Democrat, would bring howls of outrage.

Look at this bullshit from his performance on Friday prancing around at an NRA event in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. It vacillates from vile to incoherent and back again. 

1. Let's start with a lie: "I love Pennsylvania. We ran twice. We won Pennsylvania twice. We won Pennsylvania twice. We did much better the second time than we did the first time." This is election denialism, sure, and we should never lose our outrage over his continued refusal to acknowledge the results of the 2020 election. He lost PA in 2020. He litigated it and begged for it to be overturned, but he fucking lost.

2. "Now more then we have ever taken are pouring into the country from countries that many of you have never even heard of. They are pouring into our country and an entire generation of young people could very well be decimated by something that could very well happen: World War III." You got that? First off, he assumes his MAGA hordes are too stupid to have heard of Ecuador. And then he takes the migrant "threat" to the furthest possible and most absurd degree.

3. Okay, this is just fucking weird. A total aside that has no context in the speech: "If you are a violent criminal today, if you kill people nothing happens. But if you are a religious person of a certain faith, you get persecuted. And I don't know what's going on with Catholics. But Catholics are getting treated very badly. What the hell is going on with Catholics? And yet we got 88% of the evangelical vote, but only 50% of the Catholic vote. We should get 110% of the Catholic vote. What are they doing to Catholics?" I mean, what the fucking fuck is this even?

4. Trump loves spinning out fantasy scenarios to degrade others. Here he starts out talking about where President Biden kept some documents, exaggerating for grotesque comic effect. Then watch where this goes: "They were all sitting underneath his beautiful Corvette and a very flimsy garage with one of those very cheap garage doors. You can cut it open with a scissor. 'Does anybody have a scissor? I want to get some classified documents. Let's cut it open.' It had no security or Secret Service. Certain members of the Biden family lived there. I wonder what they did with those very important documents. They had no Secret Service people because he wasn't present. Biden fought them all the way. I didn't. He fought them very hard and they never got what they wanted to get anyway. I even gave the DOJ and the FBI lunch at Mar-a-Lago. They say I didn't behave. I have them lunch. Have lunch at beautiful Mar-a-Lago...I guess they expected dinner, not lunch. I should have given them dinner." Between this and his anger at getting lunch for the E. Jean Carroll's lawyers when they were at Mar-a-Lago, Trump just comes across as the cheapest motherfucker ever. Or, you know, not a billionaire. 

5. The fetishism of objects or the concentration on looks is prominent throughout, but, mostly, why the fuck is he talking about the goddamn desk? "Very smart people surround the resolute desk. It's the most beautiful desk. When you are president, they allow you to take your desk--pick your desk. They have these unbelievable desks. It had a tremendous history of presidents behind it. He had the same desk. I think he took it because he likes me so much. He said, 'I want the same desk as President Trump had.'" I shit you not, this is not the only time in the speech he talks about desks. He has a whole thing about moving a desk outside to sign executive orders, in the middle of talking about where a desk is in the White House. You wanna talk about being old and out of it? This right here.

6. Another lie: "We are losing, in my opinion, 350,000 people a year to fentanyl. There is no war for the most part where you're going to lose that many soldiers. We are losing 350,000, I believe. They always say it's 100, 120. It's not. It's much more. It's getting worse, too." No, 350k Americans aren't dying every year from fentanyl. Not even close. But it's one of those times that he's making shit up and won't back down from the shit he's making up. 

7. "We got Mexico to send 21,000 soldiers to our border free of charge. I got them free. By the way, I used to say Mexico is going to pay for a big piece of the wall. They us so much more than that. They gave us free soldiers. You're not allowed to do that, they can't pay for our wall. There was a mechanism where they could give us soldiers." Putting aside that it was 15,000 troops (and not 21 or 28,000, as he often brays), it wasn't that Trump "used to say" that Mexico would pay for the border wall. It was one of the centerpieces of his 2016 campaign. So he's saying he was lying or ignorant when he made that promise.

8. I'm putting this one in here because it's a story Trump tells all the time (and that the Mexican government says is bullshit). The whole fake tale gets more and more elaborate. And, again, this is in the middle of a nearly 90 minute speech, and he's just fucking riffing: "I got Mexico, I said, 'You are going to have to pay for the soldiers free of charge.' They said, 'We are not doing that.' 'You have to.' Handsome guy, beautiful representative. He laughed and said, 'We are not giving you soldiers. Why the hell would we give you soldiers? We have been ripping off the United States for years. Why would we give them soldiers to protect their border?' A lot of bad people are coming through. So I said, 'You are giving it to us, 100%.' 'No, sir, I'm not giving it to you.' '100%. That you are giving it to me.' 'We are not giving it to you, sir.' 'You are giving it to us.' He goes, 'No way.' He goes, 'No way.' I go, 'Way.'" 

9. This quote starts with a lie. The migrants who pummeled two police officers were arrested. "They beat the hell out of two police officers. The DA said let them go, that's ok. But he goes after Trump. You have to be a violent criminal. If you are a violent criminal, you have no problem. Under Biden, millions of illegals are now pouring into our country. You have a 100 percent chance of a major terror attack in the not-too-distant future." You want forgetfulness? Earlier in the speech, Trump said, "We are really likely to face a 100 percent chance of a terrorist attack." 

9a. Another repetition. In the beginning of this endurance test of a speech, Trump said, "They come in from prisons all over the world, mental institutions all over the world. They are terrorists. By the millions." Then later, since the majority of his speech is ad-libbing (or making shit up), he says, "First time you are seeing migrant crime. These are tough people. Many of them come out of jails and mental institutions...These are not innocents. These are tough people and we are taking them by the millions. We are taking millions of people. Millions and millions."

9b. Since about 75% of Trump's ludicrously long meanders through the mushpile where a brain once presumably sat is about how much he just fucking hates immigrants (even though he's exploited the hell out of them as workers throughout his entire pathetic career), here's one more dip into the madness: "Did you ever notice they come off--everybody has a cell phone. They come in and get off a bus. There is only some nice person greeting them. I don't know who these people are. Did you ever notice? They have like these people. Nice women. Beautiful women. 'Hello, it is so nice to see you.' The guy looks at her like he's going to tear her apart. 'Hello, here is your cell phone. Here is your credit card. Would you like to stay today at the Waldorf-Astoria or would you like a Trump hotel?' No, it's crazy." Well, that's the most self-awareness I've seen from him right there at the end.

10. Let's end with this one, which starts out as praise for the now-missing Melania Trump for working on drug addiction issues and then seems to...well, have a read: "I had the First Lady on committees. A lot of socialites from New York, a lot of socialites from Philadelphia. Many of them just love the glamour of being on a committee, but they don't know about El Chapo. They don't know about the toughness you were talking about, the ruthlessness you are talking about. They do things and they have a little discussion and then start talking about when they are having dinner, where they're going, wonder how nice it is. They talk about restaurants. Remember that every drug dealer kills a minimum of 500 people during his or her lifetime." That was a journey.

So in the course of a single speech, he promises endless violence is coming, he promises that he will cause endless misery to millions of people, he forgets shit, he gets shit wrong, he repeats shit he said just a little while before, and he goes off on tangents that are the equivalent of driving from New York to Boston by way of Australia. And we're supposed to be concerned about Joe Biden's age? The fuck is anyone talking about. Even when he's fumbling a bit, Biden knows what the hell he's talking about. But Trump is given a pass because he's never known what the fuck he's talking about and no one expects him to know but somehow it's okay to ignore that and keep going with attacking Biden for continuing to have birthdays.

I'm not saying that Biden isn't old. I'm not saying that age isn't a legitimate topic. But I am saying that it fucking stinks to go after Biden for it because he talks softly and moves stiffly while not bothering to give the same treatment to Trump because he screeches like a castrated goat and undulates around the stage in a weird dance that just looks like he's jacking off two men.

Of course, one reason for this is that some Democrats are going along with the age freakout over Biden. Meanwhile, no matter how shit-scrawling insane Trump gets, his MAGA cretins will lap it up like they're in a tub in Saltburn. 

JD Vance Proves Again What a Vile Motherfucker He Is

You think sometimes that you're inured to the blithe madness and the constant stream of fuckery from people in the Trump Party (formerly known as the "Republican Party"). You can hear a compliant little bitch like House Speaker Mike Johnson, who always looks like he really wants to tell you about the boy he keeps in a shed in his backyard, say something ridiculous like "The President has executive authority right now" to do what he wants with the border, and think, "Yeah, that's why Texas is totally listening to him when he says to take down the fucking razor wire." You can hear Nikki Haley burble whatever pathetic swipe she wants to take at the former president, and think, "Call him a 'rapist,' Nikki, or get the fuck out of the race." 

But every once in a while, one of these motherfuckers goes even further on one of the Sunday political gabfests and just says to everyone's face, "I am a genuine motherfucker. If I see a mother, I will fuck her. I will fuck all the mothers because I'm a motherfucker. It's right there in the word." And on This Week with George Stephanopoulos's Hair, Senator JD Vance proved that he's one vile motherfucker. It was honestly one of the most fucked up performances I've seen in a while, and I've watched prison shank porn.

From the start, Vance wanted to prove his ass was Trump's tightest dick koozie. When Stephanopoulos played clips of Vance in 2015 and 2016 shitting all over Trump, Vance didn't flinch to say he loved the man now. "He proved me wrong," the senator from Ohio gargled testicularly. "He delivered. He did a good job, and that's why I think we should give him another run at it." And that's all well and good. It's typical of the prone position that the entire Trump Party has taken with regards to its namesake, noted rapist Donald Trump. 

Then shit got weird.

Shown an ad that says how it's messed up to see a rapist get treated like a hero, Vance responded, "I think it's actually very unfair to the victims of sexual assault to say that somehow their lives are being worse by electing Donald Trump for president when what he's trying to do, I think, is restore prosperity." In other words, sexual assault victims should just shut up and enjoy it. And then he outright dismissed the idea that anyone could dare accuse rapist Donald Trump of being a rapist: "[The cases are] funded by Donald Trump’s political opponents. If you actually look at so many of the court cases against Donald Trump, George, this is not about prosecuting Trump for something that he did. It's about throwing him off the ballot because Democrats feel that they can't beat him at the ballot box." The E. Jean Carroll case started in 2019, but, as we learn again and again, facts don't matter, not even to a motherfucker who graduated from Yale Law School like a regular liberal cuck. 

When Stephanopoulos pointed out that juries found Trump is a rapist, Vance smirked bitchily, "These are juries, George, in extremely left-wing jurisdictions." Stephanopoulos pressed him with the logical question of why the fuck aren't jury verdicts valid if they're in "left-wing jurisdictions." Vance essentially said that they aren't valid so we can all go fuck ourselves with our stupid judiciary if we don't like the outcome. "When the cases are funded by left-wing donors and when the case has absolute left-wing bias all over it, George, absolutely I think that we should call into question that particular conclusion." No shit that where a case is adjudicated can have an effect. Welcome to our actual legal system. Check out that fucked Supreme Court. But according to Vance, it was a "weird jury in New York" that said the rapist raped E. Jean Carroll, and the whole case is "weird," which is a weird word to use on a rape case.

Then shit got darker.

Asked about what he would have done on January 6, 2021, Vance explained, "If I had been vice president, I would have told the states, like Pennsylvania, Georgia and so many others, that we needed to have multiple slates of electors and I think the U.S. Congress should have fought over it from there." In other words, pure fucking anarchy. A Democratic House of Representatives, a Senate waiting to see which party got a majority, and a Trump-knob-gobbler as vice-president would have had to figure out what the fuck to do, and likely the Supreme Court would have once again decided the outcome of the election. It's nonsensical, anti-constitutional, anti-American, and completely deranged. 

Just a side note here to reiterate that we have the dumbest fucking way of electing our president. I know we say that Republicans will never change the Constitution so that the president is decided by popular vote (or, you know, the way every other fucking country does it). That presumes that Republicans wouldn't moderate their stances in order to attract more voters. They'd have to, and they would probably have a shot at winning. But that would require them needing to be less nutzoid and putting the crazies who run the party back in the holes they crawled out of. 

Stephanopoulos, with increasing exasperation, asked if Vance thinks it's okay for the president to defy the Supreme Court. This was in the context of Vance making some mighty statement that President Rapist Trump should fire all lifetime civil servants and replace them with complacent lickspittles with the rapist's name tattooed on their faces, and that if the Supreme Court tried to stop the rapist, the rapist should defy the court. Vance twisted the question to if the court made an "illegitimate" decision, as in, "if the Supreme Court said the president of the United States can't fire a general, that would be an illegitimate ruling." But Stephanopoulos was finally done and cut off the interview, calling Vance "you traitorous cunt" and threatening to whip him through the streets of DC until he ran home to Mee-Maw.

No, Stephanopoulos didn't say that part after the comma. But he would have had every right to say it and do it. 

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott's Border Bullshit Depends on Federal Funding

Many things gall the fuck out of me about Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, who always looks like he's smiling in satisfaction because a migrant child is drowning in front of him, and his completely dickish border politics to ramp up anger at President Biden and the Democrats. It's not just his abuse of power in forcing the Texas National Guard to confront Customs and Border Control Agents at the southern border with Mexico. It's not just the absolute assholishness and hysteria in the communications he and his Attorney General, the odious, sleazy scumfucker Ken Paxton (who looks like someone who masturbates to those kids Abbott's smiling at), have had with Biden and his administration. And it's not just that Abbott is defying the U.S. Supreme Court in his bizarre desire to slice up migrants who try to cross the Rio Grande. Or to drown them at Eagle Pass.

It's that the Texas National Guard exists because of funding from the federal government. While Texas is funding the actual operation at the border, all the training and equipment and other expenses are budgeted from the Defense Department. The two bases where Texas Guard soldiers train, Camp Swift (named after  a general who spent years killing Native Americans) and Camp Bowie (named after slave trader Jim Bowie), were built by the federal government. The TNG gets over $100 million a year from Washington. The Texas Department of Public Safety (also involved in the border conflict) gets anywhere from $200-700 million a year. Indeed, in the entire state's budget, federal money is the second biggest source of cash, making up about a third of the annual budget. In 2021, Texas got $47.3 billion in funding from the Defense Department. Whole cities in Texas exist because of federal spending on huge military bases. 

So when Abbott launched "Operation Lone Star" in March 2021, despite border crossings still being lower than they were pre-pandemic under noted rapist President Donald Trump, Texas was able to afford it because the fuckton of money from the federal government kept rolling in. But that wasn't enough.

Abbott recently bragged that he secured $4 billion for border security. It's cost nearly $5 billion, actually, and it's also forced Abbott to divert funds from other places. He took $360 million from the state's  overcrowded and dangerously understaffed prison system. Texas has not accepted the expanded Medicaid in the Affordable Care Act, yet Abbott was cool with diverting nearly $1 billion in Covid relief funds from medical care to savagely policing the border. 21 rural hospitals have closed in the last decade in Texas,  26% of the rest are at risk of closure, and 40% of them don't have labor and delivery units. But it was more important to spend that billion on murder buoys in the Rio Grande. Nearly 90 House Democrats have signed a letter demanding that Abbott and Texas be investigated for this bullshit operation whose only goal is to provoke a fight with the Biden administration. Those Democrats also called for an amendment saying no federal funds can go to Abbott's boondoggle.

Meanwhile, on the Operation Lone Star website, you can contribute your own money to one of three areas, you lucky asshole: Border "transportation," which means putting migrants on buses and sending them to them lib'rul places up north and show 'em what for; border "security," which I think means paying for the Texas National Guard, which, fuck, what the hell are your taxes for; and the border wall because of course the fucking wall is there. The only one of the three that's attracted real money is, no shit, the wall. $55.4 million has been donated for a wall that I was told repeatedly would be paid for by Mexico. But, shit, I guess if I was dumb and racist, I'd open my wallet and give my hard-earned oil field money to keep out the terrorists or whatever the fuck I was stupid enough to believe.

This whole goddamn thing stinks. Sure, the border is always an issue at elections, especially when a Democrat is president. And there's a lot to say about the larger implications of all this. How the fuck do you allow these motherfuckers to get away with defying the Supreme Court on the removal of the razor wire and buoys? Why the fuck haven't they arrested the Texas Guard members and others who wouldn't allow CBP to rescue a woman and two kids from drowning? Or whoever ordered to guardsmen in the Del Rio sector to block them? Or Abbott? Handcuff the shitheels for at least manslaughter.

And maybe it's worth always contextualizing this with two things: Border crossings and encounters (which can mean anything from an arrest to someone asking for asylum) have risen some overall in the last few months (until recently). And Republicans in Congress refuse to do jack shit to actually solve the crisis other than bitch about how they can't mass murder migrants. It's because, they admit, they don't want to give Biden a "win" that might help him defeat the GOP candidate, rapist Donald Trump. 

Abbott simply doesn't give a shit about anything other than the border show. He doesn't care that he's chomping on the federal hand that feeds the state. Fuck you, send more money, and fuck you.

When Eagle Pass Mayor Rolando Salinas, Jr. initially gave the Texas DPS permission to take over the border town's largest public area, Shelby Park, so it could give the Supreme Court the middle finger, put the buoys in, and arrest anyone they thought was a border crosser, there was an outcry by community members, many of whom go back and forth across a pedestrian bridge to shop and party in Piedras Negras, Mexico. The city council voted unanimously to rescind the mayor's order. That was in August. A couple of weeks ago, the DPS and Texas National Guard just fuckin' took over the park "indefinitely" without notifying the mayor. Salinas had not requested any assistance, and, indeed, border crossings at the park and elsewhere had already dropped in recent weeks, thanks in part to things the Biden administration had done. This past week, AG Paxton, cockknob that he is, refused to allow federal agents to take the park back, setting up another confrontation. 

Of course, that didn't matter. Abbott's border show has to continue, at least until the 2024 election. By the way, Eagle Pass was going to have a ceremony in Shelby Park to commemorate the people whose lives were lost crossing the border. 700 crosses had been erected for the event, one for each death. It was canceled. And you can assume that the state trampled on the crosses or just made them disappear.

No One Hates America More Than Trump and the MAGA Cretins

Believe it or not, the election of 2020, up to and through Election Day, was pretty much a triumph of the American electoral system at all levels. At the height of a global pandemic, with hospitals overwhelmed, with corpses being kept in trailers, with supply chains fucked, we held a presidential election and that motherfucker was run amazingly well. Yes, there were the usual, preventable, bullshit problems of long lines at polling stations, especially in poor and non-white majority areas in Republican states. That's a huge bastard of a problem that needs fixing. But the combination of early voting and mail-in ballots, along with Election Day voting, worked. It should have been one of the great civic celebrations in US history, as in "Holy shit, we really did that. We really made it work. And it was the most secure election in this country possibly ever." We should have been cheering for election workers and officials at the local, state, and federal level like we cheered for essential workers. We should have been patting ourselves on the back for coming through and voting at the highest rate since 1900. We should have been beaming with pride at how awesome this country can be when it wants to be. 

But we were not allowed that pride. We were not allowed that celebration. Instead, we were treated to an entire movement, led by the goddamn President of the United States, beating that triumph to death. They went after everyone with their lies about the "stolen" election. They fucked up the lives of those election workers and officials who had busted their asses to make sure they got the job done. And that's across the political board. They fucked up Republicans and Democrats in positions to run elections or count votes. They took this great moment and shit all over it. And then they took it further to shit all over the entire system, outlawing the things that made the election work, disenfranchising voters, shifting responsibility for elections to politicians who would undermine them. 

You know, I watched as an election was actually stolen. That was in 2000. I know what that looks like. 2020 was a goddamn paragon of competency and effort. Yet Democrats didn't wage war on the entire election process (or even do as many reforms as should have been done once they were in power again, which, again, fuckin' Democrats). 

When your country has done something undeniably, well, great and you disparage and destroy that, you hate your country. When it comes to elections, you can hate the voting results. Fuck, I've done that on any number of elections. You can hate the people who voted against your candidate. I will freely talk shit about Republican voters. You can hate anti-democratic things like the Senate and the Electoral College. I mean, fucking hell, those need to be amended out of existence. And, yeah, when your country does something shitty, you call it out and demand better. When your country's history is shitty, you say so and demand better. But when it's done something incredible? You can allow yourself to have a bit of patriotism. At the very least, it's okay to do a Jeremiah Johnson nod. Loving your country isn't the same as being blind about your country. So fucking nod and take a moment to say, "Nicely done." Then get back to solving the shit that's wrong. Relationships take work, goddamnit.

It's long been taken as an article of faith on the right that Democrats and the "left" (which has become such a nebulous term, along with "liberal" and "progressive" that it can describe anyone who leans even a little away from "fucking crazy") hate the United States. Trump says it all the fucking time. A regular line at his rallies of the damned is "We will throw off the sick political class that hates our country and they do hate our country." They think we hate in so many ways. Schools that accurately teach American history, with its good, its bad, and its very, very ugly, are seen as making children hate the country. If you believe diversity is a strength, you hate this country. And, in the eyes of Trump's devoted idiot hordes, if a grand jury and a court think he's committed crimes, then the judicial system hates America because, as you should fucking know, Trump is America and America is Trump. Or he's Jesus. Maybe both. It's hard to keep track anymore. 

(Side note: When that fucking awful "God Gave Us Trump" video came out, all I could think was, "Well, let's hope this goes the same way as the last time God supposedly gave us someone." Although you'd need some pretty strong nails.)

They're running the same playbook that they've run since I can remember: they're the "real Americans" and we're the assholes who hate America. What's different this time is that they are using it to undermine our institutions. They love the country, but our election system is corrupt and must be destroyed because they didn't win in 2020. They love the country, but they they want to dismantle the federal government because something something Deep State. They love the country, but the justice system won't let Trump get away with rampant criminality and so it must be filled with cronies and hacks who will do his bidding. They love the country, but they want to throw out people who came here because they love this country. 

The MAGA cretins don't love the United States. They love themselves and they love Trump. And that's it. Fuck everything else. Fuck your rights. Fuck your compassion. Fuck your laws. Fuck you if you don't love them and Trump, too. They hate us. They hate the country we want. They hate the present. They hate the future.

Trump had two great things that he had a hand in doing and any politician not Trump would have been proud to run on them: the successful 2020 election and the speed with which the Covid vaccination was developed. He should be running on hoping the 2024 election is even close to as successful as the 2020 one and on all the lives saved because of the vaccine. But he can't claim either of them because of the hate he's propagated for them both. So instead he runs on the hate and distrust. 

Why bring this up? Isn't this shit obvious? 

There's something else that's a regular line in Trump's stump speeches. He ends by saying all the things that "will" happen if he's elected again, and right there is this line: "We will love our country." It's just so clear. The love of country is conditional. It's transactional, like everything else in Trump's life. In other words, he's saying he doesn't love his country now and neither should his followers. That's why they're good with his tilt into dictatorship. It's the vile thrill of killing what others love. 

(I know I've talked about the success of the 2020 election before, but it just sticks in my craw like a pubic hair I swallowed and I can't cough up.)

Martin Luther King Would Still Fuck the Right's Shit Up (Still Getting It Wrong Edition)

It's Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, and that means it's time for the racist dickscabs of the right to trot out that one quote from "I Have a Dream" they use to attempt to colonize King's power and message. And while they are still talking about judging people by "the content of their character" as a way of avoiding how King was actually saying that can happen after you deal with all the bigoted shit woven into the filthy fabric of America, there's actually another quote conservatives have glommed onto this year. Check out this Truth Toilet post from Trump's taint dabber, Rep. Elise Stefanik from New York:

Yup. They've moved on to other speeches. This one can be traced to a commencement address at Oberlin College in June 1965, and you won't be surprised to know that, in context, King is saying that the time is always right to, non-violently, fuck some right-wing racist shit up. 

Here's what he said:

"[W]e are challenged to work passionately and unrelentingly to get rid of racial injustice in all its dimensions. Anyone who feels that our nation can survive half segregated and half integrated is sleeping through a revolution. The challenge before us today is to develop a coalition of conscience and get rid of this problem that has been one of the nagging and agonizing ills of our nation over the years. Racial injustice is still the Negro's burden and America's shame. We've made strides, to be sure. We have come a long, long way since the Negro was first brought to this nation as a slave in 1619. In the last decade we have seen significant developments - the Supreme Court's decision outlawing segregation in the public schools, a comprehensive Civil Rights Bill in 1964, and, in a few weeks, a new voting bill to guarantee the right to vote. All of these are significant developments, but I would be dishonest with you this morning if I gave you the impression that we have come to the point where the problem is almost solved.

"We must face the honest fact that we still have a long, long way to go before the problem of racial injustice is solved. For while we are quite successful in breaking down the legal barriers to segregation, the Negro is now confronting social and economic barriers which are very real. The Negro is still at the bottom of the economic ladder. He finds himself perishing on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. Millions of Negroes are still housed in unendurable slums; millions of Negroes are still forced to attend totally inadequate and substandard schools. And we still see, in certain sections of our country, violence and man's inhumanity to man in the most tragic way. All of these things remind us that we have a long, long way to go. For in Alabama and Mississippi, violence and murder where civil rights workers are concerned, are popular and favorite pastimes.

"Let nobody give you the impression that the problem of racial injustice will work itself out. Let nobody give you the impression that only time will solve the problem. That is a myth, and it is a myth because time is neutral. It can be used either constructively or destructively. And I'm absolutely convinced that the people of ill will in our nation - the extreme rightists - the forces committed to negative ends - have used time much more effectively than the people of good will. It may well be that we will have to repent in this generation, not merely for the vitriolic works and violent actions of the bad people who bomb a church in Birmingham, Alabama, or shoot down a civil rights worker in Selma, but for the appalling silence and indifference of the good people who sit around and say, 'Wait on time.' Somewhere we must come to see that human progress never rolls in on wheels of inevitability. It comes through the tireless efforts and the persistent work of dedicated individuals. Without this hard work, time becomes an ally of the primitive forces of social stagnation. So we must help time and realize that the time is always right to do right."

Man, that's gotta fuck with the heads of any dumbass MAGA redcap who takes two minutes to look shit up (which, yeah, I know). King cites 1619. He says that the laws that were passed and the court cases that were won are great but don't solve "the problem of racial injustice" (which is some total CRT shit right there).  

And, as far as the concept of "time," he's imploring people to act and not wait for shit to get done. "To do right" is to oppose being dragged back to the allegedly great America that Republicans want to drag us back to. 

Trump's Silence on Death Threats Is Evidence Against Him

I remember, as I'm sure you do, in the years after the 9/11 attacks, that every time some violence was committed by someone who was Muslim, the entire Muslim community in the United States was expected, if not forced, by the right and by the media to make a statement condemning the violence. It's always been an absolutely ludicrous thing since it presumes that a Muslim who committed a shooting represented all Muslims if the denouncement didn't happen. It also takes away focus from the very real Islamophobia and violence against Muslims in this country. But even though the local imam had nothing to do with a shooter, that imam always had to say on camera that Islam is a religion of peace and the shooter was really degrading his faith.

I also remember, as I'm sure you do, the Black Lives Matter protests in the wake of the murder of George Floyd by police officer Derek Chauvin. Sometimes, some people connected to the protests (very few people in the context of how huge the marches and rallies were) rioted and committed violence, looting and starting fires (allowing that some this might also have been caused by infiltrators). Any leaders who supported Black Lives Matter, any politician, especially Black politicians, had to get in front of reporters to condemn the violence and call on supporters to stop. This actually made sense. When some in your nonviolent movement get violent, you say something to try to end it or distance yourself from it, even if it's being blown out of proportion. A burning police station is never a good look. 

So it's fascinating and horrific and entirely expected that former president/charity thief and current indicted felon/rapist/GOP frontrunner Donald Trump has not said a word to denounce the death threats, swatting incidents, and actual violence, including murder, done in his name. And that goes across the board. The regularity with which anyone who opposes Trump gets death threats against them and their families means that it's a feature, not a bug, in the polluted MAGA ecosystem. We know that Republicans stay in line at least partly because they don't want to deal with the flood of violent crazies calling, messaging, and posting about the harm that will come to those heretical to the MAGA mob. And it's not just members of Congress or other elected officials who are the targets. We know that regular election workers and regular federal government workers get called out by name by President Trump or one of his cabal of lickspittles, goons, and lackeys, and then their lives are made intolerable by the threats against them. Trump knows exactly what's going to happen, and he gleefully participates in it. It's why Judge Engoron in his fraud trial placed a gag order on Trump because he was making a clerk's life a nightmare.

In recent weeks, hoax calls to law enforcement have led to swatting against judges in Trump's cases (yet oddly not against Trump appointee Judge Aileen Cannon), as well as against Special Counsel Jack Smith. Swatting is especially insidious because of the potential for such incidents to lead to unintended death and destruction. And, sorry, but I can't help but think of some MAGA cop using the opportunity to "accidentally" gun down someone who might put Trump behind bars. 

This doesn't even get into the actual violence committed by Trump supporters and MAGA redhats, from mass shootings to racist and homophobic attacks. 

And before you even say it, yes, there are incidents where someone on the left is to blame, like the recent swatting of Marjorie Taylor Greene. But, if asked, any leader on the left will call it out and condemn anyone who does it. 

Trump revels in the bullying of anyone who breathes a negative thing about him. Over on his worthless Truth Toilet, he regularly, savagely degrades the judges and prosecutors and opposing attorneys and rape victim E. Jean Carroll. He recently posted a clip of an interview with convicted Mafia member and murderer Sammy "the Bull" Gravano where the mobster said he couldn't "get" Trump, implying Trump was too honest. Trump implored, "Thank you to Sammy the Bull. I hope Judges Engoron & Kaplan see this. We need fairness, strength and honesty in our New York Courts. We don’t have it now!" That's right. A guy who had a hit list is a character witness. How is that not an implied threat? Trump advocates for violent people and threatens that violence will occur if he's not acquitted and re-elected. And he is perfectly content to let others suffer from the violence and the threats from his cult members. He can't be bothered to tell them to knock it off because it's part of a strategy of sowing chaos into the legal system.

Frankly, this silence on those committing or promising violence in his name, as well as his own threats, implied or otherwise, are of a piece with his inaction for most of January 6, 2021. Trump watched the insurrectionists riot and attack the Capitol. He could have immediately called for it to end and denounced everyone involved. But, as we know, he didn't. He stayed quiet for hours and watched to see if it would pay off in his favor, only grudgingly telling them to go home but assuring them that "we love you," thus giving them license to continue violently agitating. That's what he wants: others to do his bidding while he does nothing to stop them. His continuing silence should be used as evidence in his January 6 trial. It's a pattern of behavior to allow people to be hurt in his name.

It works both ways: if you have to condemn violence in your movement to prove you're nonviolent, then if you're not condemning violence in your movement, it means your movement is violent. And your followers. And you. And the justice system should deal with you as such.

When You Say Trump Should Be Allowed to Run for Office, You Sound Like a Fucking Idiot

Jesus fuck, stop being such pedantic idiots about whether or not Donald Trump should be prohibited from holding public office. The fucking 14th Amendment is absolutely fucking clear that he shouldn't be allowed near an election. And yet we keep having these pearl-clutching debates about what it means, how it's the end of democracy, and other assorted shit. No, it's the way the country avoids our stupid electoral system and our stupid voters putting a madman into office...again.

Look at these insane arguments.

1. "We should let the people decide." You sound like an absolutely pathetic little bitch if you say this and more than a little brain-damaged. The fucking people fucking decided in 2020 and the reason we're even having this discussion is because Donald Trump and a whole bunch of other elected officials decided that they were going to overturn that result because of shit they made up, shit that no court anywhere with every kind of judge agreed was real, and shit that no one has every been able to prove other than to keep asserting the shit is actual shit when it's just shit shit. If Trump is on the ballot again in 2024 and the people decide again that he should be shoved into the history books as another "holy fuck, that really happened" chapter, do you honestly think that this time he'll go quietly? He never goes quietly. Between the bellowing and the flatulence and the heavy breathing, he will always make a racket. It's madness to insist that any election with Trump involved will end up as a regular election unless he outright wins (even when he does, he's a total cockknob about it), and he shouldn't even have a chance to do that. I don't wanna keep going through this shit again and again like some moronic time loop we can't escape from. It's not supporting democracy to allow the person who says he's going to pretty much murder democracy run for the office that will let him do it. Fucking madness.

2. "He needs to be convicted of insurrection first." Read the third section of the 14th. You see anything in there about a conviction being necessary? That's also part of Trump's argument that he shouldn't be tried for anything because the Senate already absolved him of all crimes (actually only one and that one isn't even part of the indictments against him). Being prevented from holding office isn't even really a punishment. Barring his conviction on any of the roughly 8000 other crimes he's committed, Trump is free to speak his normal bullshit. He can wander the mildew-scented halls of Mar-a-Lago, waiting for the omelet bar to open up again. He can pretend he's a businessman and launder more cash for Russian oligarchs. Fuck, he can do anything he likes. But he violated his oath of office pretty fucking clearly, so fuck off on running for president. It's like if you write a bad check at a business and they put your fuckin' photo up and say, "Don't sell cigarettes to this asshole." You can go to any other store you like, just not the one you fucked with. Oh, and everyone forgets the final part of Section 3: "But Congress may by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability." Yeah, Congress can, if it wants, say, "Oh, it's cool that you wanted to dick over the entirety of democracy. All is forgiven." Wait. On the other hand, keep that part quiet. I could see Democrats actually going along with that for the sake of going high when they go low or some other lie that conveniently lets you off the hook of actually doing something.

3. "The 14th Amendment doesn't include the presidency." Oh, fuck off. The Constitution doesn't specifically bar dead people from running for office. Look at it. Someone should try running the corpse of JFK or something. Except everyone fucking knows that dead people can't run. In the debate over the 14th Amendment in 1866, one senator asked why it didn't say the president or vice president. Senator Lot Morrill from Maine responded, "Let me call the Senator's attention to the words 'or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States.'" In other words, are you fucking blind? Stupid? Both? Of course it includes the presidency. And if you are also saying that it was only meant for the Confederacy, well, they also debated whether or not to put a sunset date on it and decided against it. C'mon, motherfucking textualist judges, you know what to do.

4. "Trump didn't commit insurrection." Shut the fuck up, you nattering Nazi. Read the January 6 Committee report. That prick was planning to steal the election before the first vote was even cast. And the only reason we're still talking about the Big Lie is because an entire economic ecosystem is based on this fraud, from mind-numbing podcasts to entire careers built on promoting that lie and, in the most insidious of ways, slowly degrading the faith in our elections (the last of which was the most secure presidential election in history), like rising seas eroding a coastline. Trump never stopped committing insurrection. And he never stopped profiting off his insurrection. 

5. "His followers will cause violence if he's off the ballot." I'm not a fucking hostage and neither should the election or the country be. You could make the same argument as to why Trump needs to be president. I could go into why his idiot hordes of MAGA drones mostly won't do shit, but instead lemme turn it around and say, "Oh, so you would rather have the leader of those violent morons running the joint? Fuck outta here."

It's so blatantly obvious, and yet the apologists and pollyannas dance around like they believe their feet will touch lava if they come down on the side of the plain language of the Insurrection Clause. But such cowardice is the way that totalitarians take over. We have the ability to stop this Trump bullshit. It's right there. Hell, it was put there by Republicans, you know, the ones the GOP is always bragging about ending slavery. And they knew that if you let traitors in the door, then the traitors become the government. 

By the way, it's not just wild and woolly internet liberals who believe the Insurrection Clause says what it plainly says. Lots of conservatives are on board, too, because the most conservative thing you can do is follow the words of the Constitution (except the first part of the 2nd Amendment, of course). 

Fucking hell, the Constitution has the stake already sharpened to put in the heart of the fuckery we've been dealing with for the last 8 and a half years. Can the Supreme Court break out the mallet and get the job done? 

Haiku Review of 2023: The End

Big, rude thanks to everyone who submitted their haiku about the just-murdered year of 2023. When we look back, let's hope we remember it as the beginning of the end of the control Donald Trump has over our consciousness, like some kind of thought Hitler, and not the beginning of the beginning of the control Donald Trump has over our actual existence, like some kind of real Hitler.

Let's punch 2023 in the stones with these gems:

From Shannon M.:

It's easy to say

"Fuck Hamas and Fuck Likud"

Why is this so hard.

From BB in LA:

Saying "Beetlejuice"

Three times makes Lauren Boebert

Leave her home district

From Chris in Hong Kong:

Trump, Putin and Xi

triumvirate of pure cunts

the death of freedom

From Christine Arendt (no relation to Hannah):

Church & State 

nine judges supreme

fucking taking us backwards

democracy hangs

From Math Guy in Minnesota:

We love climate change!

No more freezing winter days

In coastal Nashville.

From war gerbil:

SURPRISE!

Crypto wonder-kid:

Sloppy hair and dress and fraud

Who woulda thunk it?

From RG in Illinois:

Daily Thought

I heard what you said.

And you strongly believe it.

You're just fuckin' wrong.

From Don the Canadian:

Yeats was right – he said

The center would never hold.

America’s fucked. 

From Curmudgeon in Chevy Chase:

Though a hurricane 

Of horror, we keep up hope.

But it ain’t easy.

And one more from me:

Laborers March

Striking workers all

Over America kicked

Ass. Let's hope for more.

Haiku Review of 2023: No Reason to Believe Maybe This Year Will Be Better Than the Last

More haiku than I can shake a cherry tree branch at. Here's another round of readers looking back on this fucked up year, which came after another fucked up year and before what will inevitably a fucked up year. 

From Q.S. on Facebook:

Hunter! Hunter! Ugh

At least he managed not to

Rob cancer patients

From H.L.W. on Facebook:

Secrets stacked in piles

Spilling from toilets out doors;

Spoils of a tyrant

From Grumpy, Esq.:

No textualist

spells Stephen Miller without 

spelling Hitler’s men.

From Rose W. in Brooklyn:

The pussy-grabber

Is finally going down

(Not in a good way)

From SPL:

daily gun slaughter

but on today's front pages

joe biden is old

From Abner in AZ:

Lincoln Logs

The Lincoln Project

Another Republican

Scam. History lost

From TMangrove in WI:

“Let’s pile on the queers

and immigrants!” is something

Jesus never said

From Sarah in Seattle:

Orca behavior 

got drastic. No wonder, with

guts full of plastic.

From Eric in Lewistown, PA:

Great economy

American Rescue Plan

Dark Brandon kicks ass

From Craig in CA:

Keep Fighting

With no more lost hope,

We can do this again, folks,

Vote in November

Okay, one more day of this and then we're done with this bitch of a year. Send 'em on: rudepundit@yahoo.com. And don't forget the form: a line of 5 syllables, a line of 7 syllables, and a line of 5 syllables. Title it if you want. Let's keep it going until the bitter end of the bitter times.

Haiku Review of 2023: The Haiku Before the Storm

Once again, I asked and you sent a fuckton of haiku. Coming in from sea to shining sea, even across a sea or two, you've once again defined the year with your simple, short poems. Here are a few of the absolute best so far (and I've only read the emails up through yesterday).

From Anonymous in AZ:

The fetus at all costs!

Until it’s born and breathing.

Then “Welcome cruel world.”

From John in Anderson, Indiana:

written on my heart

from the songs of Palestine

I wish I was free

From an American who fled to England, then to Spain, to escape the madness:

Mediocre men

Think that they should rule us all

We should smash their balls

From Rabbitearz in Los Angeles (who has gotten one in most every year):

It puts the Dick in

Dicktator. What a fucking

Blood-chilling dick-head.

From Doug in Sugar Pine:

Ethics

Clarence Thomas sucks

The meaning out of the words

Supreme Court Justice

From Ruth Ann in Madison:

Pageantry 2023

Miss America,

a nuclear engineer:

real Barbenheimer.

And from me:

Israel Can Liberate Itself

Bibi's been babied

By bilious bullshitters.

But bye-bye, bitch?

Prison Violence Is Wrong Or...

I know I should care

That Derek Chauvin was stabbed.

I'll wait 9 minutes.

Jeb = Ron

Maybe Florida

governors should stop running

to be president. 

Keep on sending them in to rudepundit@yahoo.com. I want to get haiku'd in the face repeatedly. Make that happen, rude readers.

Haiku Review of 2023: American Fiction

Welcome to the end of one more motherfucker of a year in this stupid age we're damned to live through. It was a year of repetition, of shit that we've been through seemingly a thousand fucking times yet various assholes and cockmites are forcing us to go through them again, like we're in some awful wormhole plot of a terrible sci-fi show. I mean, goddamnit, we've been through this anti-LGBT bullshit, we've been through the book bannings, we've been through the immigration hysteria, and we've had enough fucking wars between Palestine and Israel, for fuck's sake. And, Jesus fuck, I can't take another Trumpy election.

Still, as shitty as things seemed to be, there are some glimmers of what we used to call "hope" before right-wing media beat hope into a bloody heap and pissed on optimism. But, hey, listen: Donald Trump is careening towards some kind of legal reckoning. Despite the best efforts of Republicans to torpedo it, the American economy is chugging along quite well. Despite the best efforts of Republicans to torpedo him, Joe Biden is chugging along quite well, with no major fuckups since the Afghanistan withdrawal (which was always gonna suck - and we can argue about his support of Israel). Ron DeSantis was once the golden boy of the future GOP and now he's lucky if he ends up on some shit nutzoid right-wing media outlet like MAGA Ball Washing Today. So not all bad.

Around these parts, we tell the year to kiss our asses goodbye through the power of poetry. More precisely, through a couple of days of haiku, those 3-line expressions of all that is beautiful or all that is ugly or all that is awesome or all that is disturbing in this filthy, degraded world that can still give us something as lovely as, well, haiku.

Submit your haiku about anything 2023-related, fucked or not, to "rudepundit(at)yahoo(dot)com." I'm the only judge and jury here, and I am generally fickle, cranky, drunk, high, and pantsless. 

I'm also a stickler for the form: one line of 5 syllables, one line of 7 syllables, and one line of 5 syllables, in that order. They can be as filthy, funny, or fucked-up as you like. You can be serious, silly, or sanctimonious. Titled or untitled. The ones I like the best get published on here over the next few days, so lemme know what name you want on it (in case your boss or mate or Mom sees it) and where you're from. Like "Rudy Giuliani's Filled Diaper from Gunfuck, AL" or "Alisha from San Francisco" or something.

Here are a few to get your engines running:

Tuck Us

"I'll be back, bigger,"

Said Carlson upon leaving.

The rest is silence.

Hotter Than

Most of India

Will need somewhere else to live

That's how bad it's fucked

Pity the Omelet Bar Chef at Mar-a-Lago

"Add more cheese, more ham!"

Trump bellows, hoping to hide

His deep fear in grease.

Okay, now it's your turn. Send 'em on.

The Rude Pundit's Annual Nativity-palooza, Now with Bonus Folk Horror

Like movies about suicidal snowmen and tortured ghosts and pole-frozen tongues, some things are a tradition around the rude house. Beloved reruns are good for the soul. My favorites to trot out this week are the Invader Zim Christmas episode and Olive the Other Reindeer. Even here, in Left Blogsylvania, we can indulge in revisiting old posts.

Before Threads, Twixter, Instagram, Reddit, TikTok, Buzzfeed, and many other places you can get your fix of weird shit, I posted this Christmas blast back in 2004, updated yearly with new bits of freakishness (some links might not work anymore, but they were or are all real and unironic):

Xmas - And, lo, a small teddy bear will lead them:
In the days before Christmas, the Rude Pundit roamed his neighborhood, looking at the displays in the charming stores and corner markets. There he saw the agony of so many dichotomous feelings about this holiday. One window had a kneeling, praying Santa next to a baby Jesus in the manger. Santa's hat was off. He was balding. Another display had the jolly old fat man landing his sleigh and reindeer on the roof of the manger. Surprisingly, neither Mary nor Joseph seemed rattled by the noise, although a camel was looking upward, as if asking, "What the fuck?" The Rude Pundit loved that camel.

Ah, sweet camel, what the fuck, indeed. Christ and commerce, Alleluia. The Savior has been born and he thanks you for your presents. Santa showing that he'll even honor the king of the Jews in the land of Islam. There's no telling what it means (and don't get all up in the Rude Pundit's face about St. Nicholas). Except this: we want to embrace both things, good deconstructionists that we are: Santa, who soothes our greed, and Jesus, who promises us peace. Either way, we want them both to tell us we're good people, nice people. And, of course, guilt-ridden Christians want to make sure that Santa toes the party line, you know.

For the holiday, here's a few of my favorite nativity sets, none of which are intended to be mocking of the event:

That right there is the Veggie Tales Nativity. In case you don't know, Veggie Tales are cute vegetables who love Christ and salad tossing. The newborn savior up there is a carrot. Get it? A baby carrot? What a delight.


Holy shit, that bear nativity is one of the creepiest fucking things I've ever seen. Staring straight ahead with their dead eyes, it looks like a satanic cult sacrifice to some horrible bear-demon. Although, the three wise bears have provided snacks for the blood rite: salmon, honey, and berries. All go well with cub entrails.

Every year, I think, "I wonder if there's an even weirder nativity set that I can find" and every year I come across something where I think, "Yeah, that's friggin' crazy shit, man." Here, it's the snow people nativity, with a snow angel, a snow Joseph, a snow Mary, and horrible, smiling snow kings. Did Snow Mary give birth to Snow Baby Jesus? Or did they all just make Snow Baby Jesus out of snow? And the temperature in Bethlehem this time of year is in the 60s. Is that why they seem to be festooned with turds, to try to hold their globular shape a little longer?

That goddamn nightmare fuel isn't a lab experiment gone horrible awry. It's a bunch of white mice with eyes so wide they look like someone laced some cheese with meth and let the little bastards go crazy. It's gonna be horrible when baby Jesus mouse gets crucified in trap.

This is not to mention the Chickentivity, the Moosetivity, the Barntivity, the Native American Nativity, and the various Beartivities, all available unironically for your Christmas consumption.

And then there's the baby nativity:

You might think, "Oh, that's adorable. What's so wrong with it?" To which I can only inform you that the implication of it is that a baby Mary shoved a baby Jesus out of her baby vagina.

Speaking of implications, think of what this dog one means:  

This means there is a dog Pilate who will sentence dog Jesus to dog crucifixion. It means that there is a dog Mary Magdalene who is a dog prostitute. This is not to mention the dog centurions who routinely torture and kill dogs, the dog slaves who serve their dog masters, and the Jewish dogs who get blamed for everything. But don't worry. Dog Jesus will rise from the dead in three days. Have some damn kibble waiting for him. 

And to all a good night.

Oh, wait. What's that you say? You think that last one was kind of a weak one to end on? Well, then, fuck you. Here's the Day of the Dead nativity:

Yeah, you might think they're singing Christmas carols, but they're all screaming in horror and pain. Essentially, that's Christmas in the time of MAGA and Covid.

Oh, wait. What's that? Those aren't that bad after all we've suffered? Then how about these terrifying motherfuckers:

Or maybe that's just how we'll all look after climate change has its way with us.

All of those are preferable to this fucking thing here. This might be the first of these nativities to make me feel visceral anger. Check this shit out:

It's like someone was taking a crap in an IKEA bathroom and thought, "I've got it! The birth of our lord and savior, but stackable!" Imagine the fun you could have with these. I'm already thinking about arranging the Wise Men around Ass for a sticky menage. Mostly, though, this is just middle finger to your guests if you put this out, like you're saying, "Oh, you expect a nativity at Christmas? Suck on these posts."

Wooden blocks not your thing? Want something that's a bit more of a weapon so you can strike down the heathens who won't let you say, "Merry Christmas"? Maybe a little more Flintstone-ish? Then here's some fuckin' rocks. 

Not enough like the nativity you might see on the mantle of the leader of a forest cult dedicated to cannibalism and blood drinking? How about this folk horror: 

It's like the last thing you see before the cellar door closes and you wait to find out if you're meant to be sacrificed to the corn god or impregnated by the wheat cock in a fertility rite. Puritans would look at these Puritan-looking motherfuckers and decided, "Nope. There's no god. Let's just jump in the ocean."

Finally (for real), here's one I actually like. It's the Recycled Auto Parts Nativity: 

C'mon. It's got everything. Skeletal camels, edges that would slice open a loaf of bread and some fishes, and baby Jesus sleeping on a bed of chicken wire. That's awesome art by Armando Ramirez, and I'd proudly put that up in my home next to my Peanuts creche and dare some internet asshole to talk shit about it. 

Merry Christmas, baby. Let's just get out of this year alive. May George Bailey finally get to push Mr. Potter into the frozen river.

(Note: Previous editions of the nativity post have included the Zombitivity, Dogtivity, the Boyd's Bears Nativity, and the Rubber Duck...oh, fuck, you get the idea.)