Note to Hopeful MAGA Cretins: You'll Be Much Happier If You Give Up Now. I Know.

Hey, MAGA jerks, 

I don't like you, and, from your tweets and messages, I've got a pretty good idea that you don't like me. Still, I feel compelled to give you some advice, if only in the hope that it will calm down the overdramatic rhetoric that makes it seem like you're gonna start some kind of violence. I'll put it this way: You're blood's all het up over nothing.

You need to get your head around a simple fact: Donald Trump lost the 2020 election. Calm down. Just shut up and listen. Despite all the shit-tossing monkeys on One America Nonsense and the screeching goats on Newsmax and Tucker Carlson on Fox "news," there's not a goddamn bit of evidence of the kind of massive, coordinated fraud necessary to "steal" the election that any rational court will consider.  And as for the argument that mail-in ballots should never have been allowed, well, you're gonna have to take that up with states that went for Trump, like Florida and Texas. (I know: they're not corrupt so their mail-in ballots are fine because they went for Trump, the mongrel tautology of the desperately ignorant.)

But even if you believe with all your shrunken heart and fucked-up soul that Trump really won by hundreds of thousands of votes, it doesn't matter. The die is cast. Joe Biden will be president, and there is nothing in the realm of possible that can be done to change that fact. (Yes, there is that, but that's not gonna happen either, so stop before you get in trouble.)

I know what you're going through because I went through it with Trump in 2016 and beyond. I wanted so desperately for something to stop it. "Where the fuck are you, Democrats?" I wondered, believing that some magical uprising against a patently unqualified and blatantly corrupt and possibly compromised president-elect was one way to stop him from taking office. I wanted the Electoral College vote to be delayed, hell, just to make a point even if it didn't change anything. I fucking gave money to that fraud Jill Stein for her recount. But none of it stopped Trump from being inaugurated in front of a much smaller crowd than Barack Obama. (Sorry, that was a low-blow, but, well, as I said, I don't like you.)

It didn't stop with Trump actually becoming president. I'm telling you this because you're already thinking about the ways Republicans can drive Biden out of the presidency. That is a road filled with dashed hopes and stomach-searing bile. Listen:

As I've said before, after inauguration, I heard from political insiders and people with supposed contacts in the intelligence agencies that Trump was doomed, that it was a matter of time before he was undone by his flagrant criminality. I mean, c'mon, look at it from a liberal Democrat's perspective: between Trump University and his "charity," not to mention the clear evidence (yes, evidence) that Russia interfered in the 2016 election, there was no way he wasn't going to be chased from office. It'll be October 2017, I was told by one person, and November 2017 by another. He won't last until the midterms, said someone else. They all heard that the intelligence community was gonna eat him alive. Each time, even though I knew it was bullshit, I believed and hoped because I fucking needed to.

On it went, with all the bets on the Mueller Report. Yeah, that was gonna do it. That's the slam dunk. Or then the mobster-like behavior with the president of Ukraine that led to the impeachment hearings. Each one was pure political porn. I could mentally jack it to the idea that this was the one, this was the undeniable proof of everything and Trump would be run out of DC. Hell, after Democrats won the House in the midterms, it seemed almost inevitable. It wasn't. John Oliver used to make fun of this hopeless pursuit, with his button that he'd press and a big "We Got Him" sign descending. The running gag, of course, was that we were never going to get him.

If you take nothing else from this, listen to me here: All of this presupposed that there might be a critical number of Republicans who believed the bullshit about law and order that they'd been spouting for my whole life. I knew there weren't, but, well, eternal optimism is the curse of the often disappointed. So I'd hope that John McCain or, at the time, Lindsey Graham or Lisa Murkowski or even Susan fucking Collins would join with Democrats to uphold American laws and decency. But they didn't do a goddamn thing other than cast an occasional protest vote on something. My point here, dear dumb MAGA fucks, is that one of the big reasons none of your hopes will get traction is because, whether you like it or not, you haven't eliminated Democrats, and without their buy-in, whatever you believe can happen to keep Biden from being president is as much a fantasy as all the QAnon insanity.

By the way, all the QAnon garbage is insanity.

And I know you're watching videos purporting to show absolute proof, like some asshole showing you some boxes and claiming they're stolen ballots or what the fuck ever. I know you're on message boards and Twitter threads and Facebook (for some fucking odd reason), with everyone sharing every little shard of something that can be manipulated into seeming sinister. And you're loving the memes about Biden being senile and feeble. And you think the pathetic Kraken shit is awesome. And you get all thrilled when you hear that a bunch of Republicans signed onto the latest worthless lawsuit. And you and the misses fuck insanely to Tucker Carlson bleating madly about China and Hunter Biden. "Yeah, stick your finger in my butthole, Jesse, when he squints."

I think you are full of shit and you hate this country, you racist, fascist pig fuckers. You think I'm full of shit and that I hate this country and I'm a communist who sucks Hugo Chavez's dead dick (which, I gotta tell you, this Chavez obsession of yours is just weird. Most of us over here on the left don't give a shit about Chavez). We can deal with our differences later, maybe. Or not. 

But listen one to this one last thing: After impeachment and the Senate acquittal (c'mon, everyone in the country knew removal from office was doomed to fail), I finally gave in and decided that the only way Trump was leaving the presidency was by being voted out. That made things so much easier. It was clarifying. Because, see, even if I only half-believed that the early exit was gonna happen, it still clouded my thinking and pissed me off. 

Free yourselves from this one fucking delusion, dear deranged MAGA dickmites. And gear up for the next election. We are. 


The Rude Pundit

P.S. Wear your fucking masks.

(Note: They're never gonna give up this delusion. And they don't believe in elections anymore.)