We can probably all agree that the Republican candidates running for president are, with some exceptions, whiny-ass titty babies, screaming for more titty even if they just got fed. If they ain't got a mouthful of nipple, then they are gonna throw a fit. The idea that they would get together to demand better treatment from the corporate-owned networks and newspapers hosting their debates is not unlike a group of first-graders forming a More Individual Hamster Time PAC. And the things that many of the candidates agreed on are hilariously petty.
For example, the candidates don't want you to know that they do, in fact, have to piss and shit. In a letter drafted by Republican lawyer Ben Ginsberg (also known as the pig fucker who was George W. Bush's lead counsel in 2000), the networks are told not to "describe how far away the bathrooms are." Why? Because we'd then know if Jeb Bush is taking an epic flop dump after getting spanked by Trump and Rubio? Or we'd know that Ben Carson is probably shooting up back there while John Kasich does rails of Adderall off the toilet seat?
The absurdity continues. In order for candidates to decide if they want to participate, the debate organizers must answer a bunch of questions, like "Will you commit to provide equal time/an equal number of questions of equal quality (substance as opposed to 'gotcha' or frivolous) to each candidate?" or "Are you running promo ads before the debate about your moderator(s)?" So no more questions like "Hey, Marco Rubio, your tax plan numbers don't add up. The fuck?" Instead, it's got to be more like "Would you tell us about your tax plan? And while you're answering, I will be licking your anus for proper stimulation."
Meanwhile, Donald Trump has decided to tell the other candidates to go fuck themselves and is negotiating on his own with the networks because, hey, he's a negotiator. To be fair, Chris Christie, Carly Fiorina, and John "Shaky" Kasich have all said that the candidates should stop being such pussies about the whole process.
But titty babies want that titty, so we get things like Fiorina supporting Glenn Beck as a debate moderator. Tweeted the failed CEO, "Let's have a conservative network host a debate!" Apparently, the fact that Fox "news" and Fox Business are hosting three debates doesn't count (not to mention capitalist penis cozy CNBC). Or there's Ted Cruz, apparently with no understanding of what a journalist is, saying, "How about instead of a bunch of attack journalists, we actually have real journalists?" And his suggestions for those "real" journalists are Rush Limbaugh, Mark Levin, and Sean Hannity, which means that Ted Cruz thinks that the most cravenly biased talk show hosts are objective reporters.
Jesus, at least just say, "You know what? I'm tired of people asking questions that make us defend ourselves. I want conservative spoogebuckets who will ask us things like 'Do you hate Obamacare a lot, a whole lot, or so much that you can't even?'"
At this point, even Fox "news" is mocking the candidates for their childish demands. "Maybe like a foot massage?" a sneering Megyn Kelly sneered and sneeringly suggested while discussing the list. By the way, the letter didn't apply to the Fox Business debate next week because the GOP is "afraid to make Roger [Ailes] mad."
All politicians get asked shitty questions during debates. Often, those shitty questions have quite a bit of truth in them. To pretend like you somehow are different than every other candidate who has ever run from president when it comes to shitty questions is to reveal a cowardice about situations you cannot control. And, as President Obama said last night, "Let me tell you, if you can't handle those guys [at the debates], then I don't think the Chinese and the Russians are going to be too worried about you."
Maybe some network will be brave enough to slap the titty out of the titty babies' mouths and tell the candidates, "Suck a sack of dog dicks," cancel the debates, and ban them from their news programs until they're begging for airtime. It ain't likely. But, then again, who'd've thought we'd still be talking about Trump? All bets are off this election.
