Random Observations on Last Night's GOP Money Orgy

1. The Rude Pundit's said it before, but it bears saying again: What fucking country were the GOP candidates talking about last night? Because, as ever, each one had the argument that the United States is a scorched hellscape beset by socialist demons just waiting for their full-bosomed queen, Hillary Clinton, to rise up and allow them to suckle at her many teats and only a brave warrior like John Kasich or Carly Fiorina could vanquish the Democratic succubus before she brings an eternity of darkness and unending suffering to the greatest country in the history of everything (except now because, you know, hellscape).

In other words, anything that we might call "reality" barely pierced through the air of manufactured despair conjured by the Republicans on at the main debate on Fox Business Network (motto: "Do you want Lou Dobbs freely roaming the countryside?").

2. Apparently, though, what the Republicans want is a United States where there are no laws. Here's just a partial list of what the candidates want to repeal or cut or get rid of:

A. Rubio: "On the regulatory side I think we need to repeal every rule that Barack Obama has in terms of work in progress, every one of them."

B. Rubio: "The clean power act, we ought to repeal that and -- and start over on that. The waters of the United States act, which is going to be devastating for agriculture and many industries, we should repeal that. We should repeal the rules because the economic costs of this far exceed the social benefit." (It should probably be noted that those two acts don't exist. The Clean Power Plan is an executive order based on a plan that stalled in the Congress in 2005. And the "Waters of the United States" thing is a clarification of a definition in the Clean Water Act, which exists in its current form after being signed by President Nixon.)

C. Fiorina: "Obamacare has to be repealed because it's failing the very people it was intended to help."

D. Rubio: "We need to repeal Dodd-Frank as soon as possible."

E. Paul: "The first thing I would do as president is repeal the regulations that are hampering our energy that the President has put in place, including the Clean Power Act."

This is not to mention all the tax cuts, department eliminations, and more. Basically, the Republicans want to gut everything that keeps the nation safe from polluters, corruption, and predatory capitalism, even minimally, and toss them steaming onto the free enterprise floor. So what they want is anarchy out of which they can create a police state. It's the only logical conclusion.

3. Ben Carson thinks the best time in American economic history is when the country had slaves. No, really: "This country was -- declared its independence in 1776. In less than 100 years, it was the number-one economic power in the world. And the reason was because we had an atmosphere that encouraged entrepreneurial risk- taking and capital investment. Those are the fuels that drive it." His point was something like "Blah, blah, blah, regulations." But for a good three-quarters of that century, the American economy was built on the backs of slaves, an industry that, okay, yeah, was not highly regulated. And, well, shit, you could argue that the Emancipation Proclamation was a job-killing new law. You got us there, Dr. Carson. Go be president of your house now and pledge allegiance to your Klingon Jesus painting.

4. Two "Fuck you, you fucking fucks" moments:
A. Rubio said, passionately, spittily (as he said most things), "The most important job I'm ever going to have, the most important job anyone in this room will ever have, is the job of being a parent. Not the job of being president, or the job of being a senator, or the job of being a congressman." No, fuck you, man. If you're president, the most important job is taking care of everyone else's family, not yours.

B. Fiorina said, passionately, spitefully (as she said most things), "Can I just -- could I just say, as a chief executive who's had to make tough calls to save jobs and to grow jobs..." and then who the fuck cares about what she said because, fuck her, she lost more jobs than she created at HP.

5. A cookie for whoever can tell what the fuck Donald Trump is talking about here in answer to a question about Russian aggression in Ukraine (not "the Ukraine," goddamnit) and Syria: "Well, first of all, it's not only Russia. We have problems with North Korea where they actually have nuclear weapons. You know, nobody talks about it, we talk about Iran, and that's one of the worst deals ever made. One of the worst contracts ever signed, ever, in anything, and it's a disgrace. But, we have somebody over there, a madman, who already has nuclear weapons we don't talk about that. That's a problem.

"China is a problem, both economically in what they're doing in the South China Sea, I mean, they are becoming a very, very major force. So, we have more than just Russia. But, as far as the Ukraine is concerned, and you could Syria -- as far as Syria, I like -- if Putin wants to go in, and I got to know him very well because we were both on 60 Minutes, we were stablemates, and we did very well that night."

What the fuck is that? Stablemates? Is Trump saying that Putin was the stallion and he fucked the filly, Trump? Is that what doing "very well that night" means? Yes. Definitely.

6. If you really think that the length of a law or the number of words in a tax code is a significant issue, you are definitely too fucking dumb to be president, Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina.

7. The scariest thing about the evening is how much spending mattered on everything except when it came to the military. Only Rand Paul stood there and said, more or less, "Goddamn, you're all fucking hypocrites" about the debt. That led craven attention whore Marco Rubio to say, "We can't even have an economy if we're not safe. There are radical jihadist in the Middle East beheading people and crucifying Christians. A radical Shia cleric in Iran trying to get a nuclear weapon, the Chinese taking over the South China Sea..." This came shortly after most of the candidates had scoffed at the idea of raising the minimum wage (to the wild applause of the repellent audience). So the only thing that is worth spending wildly on is the military. Screw health care. Screw infrastructure. Screw it all, man, except blowing shit up.

8. There was a rumor that Jeb Bush was at the debate.

9. Yes, Rubio and Ted Cruz, we get it. Your parents were immigrants. But, you know, if you came from Cuba post-revolution, you were allowed to jump the immigration line because of our paranoia about Castro. So, really, guys, it's dumb fuckin' luck and red-baiting that got your parents in so easily.

10. Mostly, though, at the end of the day, you were just left wondering shit. Like the fact that the destructive fracking boom happened under Obama and helped drop the bottom out of oil prices, yet the candidates talked like Obama was personally punching oil companies in the balls. Or like the fact that jobs have been created, the economy is improving, and we're in a fuck of a lot better position than we were when the last Republican finished up in the White House, yet the candidates acted like Hillary Clinton will declare martial law and force all entrepreneurs into bankruptcy. And not a goddamn one of them had any idea what to do once they repeal the Affordable Care Act (except for Fiorina's legitimately, disturbingly dumb remark about trying the "free market" for health care, as if that wasn't what we had prior to the ACA).

What was clear, though, is that every time one of these truly deranged savages opened their foul mouths, they disqualified themselves from serious consideration for any goddamn political job.