In Brief: Ted Cruz Doesn't Think You Should Be President If You Don't Give Head Every Morning

The Rude Pundit is not making this up. Creepy ass Ted Cruz, senator from Texas, GOP presidential candidate, said last Friday, "Any president who doesn't begin every day on his knees isn't fit to be commander-in-chief of this country." So apparently, the fellatio and/or cunnilingus abilities of the president must be top-notch, the knees strong, the mouth muscles pliant, the lips moist, in order for Ted Cruz to allow that person to go tell troops where to kill Muslims.

Cruz was speaking at the National Religious Liberties Conference, which strangely didn't have much to do with the liberty of any other religion than Christianity, in Who the fuck Cares, Iowa (let's say, "Des Moines"). He had been asked, no, really, if presidential candidates should "submit to Jesus Christ." That's right. You've gotta be the submissive of Christ, like in a BDSM relationship. And that zombie motherfucker knows something about flogging.

By the way, the guy doing the asking was Pastor Kevin Swanson, a sucker of goat cock and the head of a group that, in other times, we'd call a "cult." Earlier in the day, Swanson had said that, if one of his sons said he was gay and invited dear ol' Daddy to his gay wedding of gayness, he'd put "sackcloth and ashes at the entrance to the church and I'd sit in cow manure and I'd spread it all over my body." That's strangely how the Rude Pundit feels whenever he goes to church. Really, the only question left is if Swanson is secretly gay, secretly fucking other women, or secretly fondling children.

As for Cruz, he implored the crowd to get out and vote, saying that too many evangelicals stayed home in 2012 (because fuck that Mormon, man). "Is it any wonder the federal government is waging a war on life, on marriage, on religious liberty when Christians are staying home and our leaders are being elected by nonbelievers?" he pondered. By "war," Cruz means, "Not doing everything to make LGBT Americans miserable."

Swanson topped that bullshit, though. He said, and the Rude Pundit has to remind you that this is a real thing said by a real adult person in real seriousness and taken seriously by an audience of real adult people, "[I]t would be better for them that a millstone be hanged around their neck and they be drowned at the bottom of sea." The "them" in that sentence is children, who should be drowned rather than read or watch Harry Potter, which will turn you gay. That led to this hysterical (in both senses of the word) line: "America, repent of Harry Potter. America, repent of How To Train Your Dragon" because both have gay characters.

Well, at least the president will be too busy, down on his or her knees, just sucking off or eating out, to be concerned about the gayification of children.