Your State Sucks: Alabama Sucks Because Some of Its Judges Believe in Religion Over Law

That is Alabama, a state in the southern United States. Whenever anyone is thinking, "I believe the South is filled with toothless white hicks who speak something that sounds like English, but not quite; who fuck their relatives with reckless abandon; who are poor and dumb and hate big guv'mint and love guns and meth and meth and guns; who love football and hate black people except the black people who play football, until they lose" the shorthand version is, in most cases, "Alabama." Or "Mississippi." But that's Alabama up there.

The color code is fascinating. 'Cause, see, a federal court declared that people of the same sex can get married in Alabama. And the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals and the Supreme Court said, "Fuck it. Go ahead" in declining to delay the decision. Then Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore, he of the big fuckin' Ten Commandments monument and removal from office, later reelected because Jesus or Moses or something, told the probate judges in the state that no-way, no-how are they to issue marriage licenses to the gays.

And so some of the judges said, "Yeah, blow me, Roy, blow me hard." They started issuing the licenses. Those'd be the green counties. Some others said, "Yeah, I'll blow you, Roy. I'll blow you hard." They won't sign off on same sex marriages. Those'd be the ones in, you know, red. Finally, some judges said, "I don't know what to do with all these dicks, so fuck all y'all" and just stopped issuing marriage licenses altogether, gay and not. That'd be the yellow, with the orange ones accepting applications but not giving out licenses.

In other words, Alabama right now is a confused clusterfuck of religious and judicial turmoil. Frankly, Moore should be arrested and dragged to jail, along with any probate judge who won't enforce a federal court's order, 'cause this is Sharia law shit, except replace "Sharia" with"biblical." Let's have a showdown, Eisenhower-style. Gov. Bentley can even do some George Wallace schtick and stand in front of a courthouse with his arms crossed.

If you were wondering, "What could make this whole situation even more annoying?" then you can thank Justice Clarence Thomas. Generally Silent Bob to Scalia's Jay, Thomas issued a dissent on the Supreme Court's refusal to stay the federal court decision. Thomas must have thought that he should say something, it being Black History Month and all. "This acquiescence may well be seen as a signal of the Court’s intended resolution of that question. This is not the proper way to discharge our Article III responsibilities. And, it is indecorous for this Court to pretend that it is," wrote that model of sleepy decorum, totally giving away that the Supreme Court is gonna allow Ls and Gs and Bs and Ts to marry like crazy fools in love.

Oh, Alabama, can't you just let lovers love? Can't you just get the fuck out of the way for once?