Michael Hayden: Yet Another Motherfucker For America:
If it's time for President Bush to nominate someone for a position, it's time to hide our mothers. For, indeed, if there is one thing that is actually steady and true in the topsy-turvy landscape of the raped and desecrated body politic, it is that George Bush will select a motherfucker for the open slot. In fact, Bush will actually pass over pigfuckers, dogfuckers, babyfuckers, and corpsefuckers just to make sure that he has picked the right kind of fucker for the job: a motherfucker. So far, we've been treated to a regular carnival parade of motherfuckers.

Hell, you could make a list of just the motherfuckers named "John" in the Bush Administration: from John Ashcroft, who wept and beat himself bloody with a bullwhip made of dried aborted fetuses every time he fucked a mother, to John Bolton, who shits on Kofi Annan's desk while fucking ambassadors' mothers, to John Negroponte, who keeps jars of the eyeballs of Salvadoran village children killed by death squads in the 1980s to stare at him while he fucks their aging mothers, to John Roberts, who tries not to think about fucking fathers while fucking mothers because he wants everyone to think he's a motherfucker just like them.

The resignation of CIA Director Porter "Motherfucker" Goss is enmeshed in the mystery of a power struggle with John "the Aforementioned Motherfucker" Negroponte, wrapped in Duke Cunningham's bribery scandal - now featuring Goss's third in command, "Dusty" Foggo, covered in a sticky secret sauce that might just be spook and legislator spooge, involving a nine-fingered CIA agent with the easy-to-remember nickname of "Nine Fingers," hookers, and poker (or maybe, more appropriately, "poke-him" parties). Considering how sleazy, cynical, and contemptuous of the nation the whole thing seems, the Rude Pundit wouldn't be surprised to learn that Nine Fingers lost his tenth digit in the particularly tight anus of a Shanghai prostitute. As far as potential scandals go, the whole thing is sweet-smelling enough to make you salivate like sniffin' Granny's boysenberry pies on a window sill.

So now Bush gets to nominate a new Director of Central Intelligence, and he chooses Gen. Michael Hayden, one more motherfucker for the round table of motherfuckers. The quick rogue's gallery portrait features Hayden, as head of the NSA (a job that makes one a motherfucker by definition), carrying out and defending warrantless spying on Americans, missing little things like 9/11, and, in a precious moment, chastising a reporter for saying that the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution says that "probable cause" must be involved in securing a warrant for search, which it does, which Hayden denied it did, which, you know, explains a fuck of a lot. (By the way, what is it with Republicans only paying attention to parts of the Amendments, like the whole "well-regulated militia" thing in the Second Amendment? No wonder they're such bad fucks that they require hookers to get them off - good fucking requires nuance and attention to the full act, not dull head banging.)

Of course, back in 2000, in a hearing before a Clinton-hatin' House Committee on Intelligence, Hayden was all about the Fourth Amendment and the FISA court because the House Republicans were savagely angry at not getting Clinton out of office and sought to castrate him any way they could, which led to, horror of horrors, oversight and calls for accountability. Said Hayden: "Under FISA, NSA may only target communications of a U.S. person in the United States if a federal judge finds probable cause to believe that the U.S. person is an agent of a foreign power. Probable cause exists when facts and circumstances within the applicant's knowledge and of which he/she has reasonably trustworthy information are sufficient to warrant a person of reasonable caution to believe that the proposed target of the surveillance is an agent of a foreign power. Under the statute, a judge may determine a U.S. person to be an agent of a foreign power only if there is information to support a finding that the individual is a spy, terrorist, saboteur, or someone who aids or abets them." And, if that was tossed back at him today, Hayden, being a good motherfucker, would say the White House line of "We're at war, blah, blah, blah."

This morning, National Security Adviser Stephen "Yep, He's a Motherfucker" Hadley was on CNN calling Hayden "an independent thinker. He has been not -- has not been shy about expressing his views." Yet Hadley contradicted himself not a moment later when he said, "[Hayden] will view himself rightly as working very closely with Ambassador Negroponte to carry out the President's agenda." A few minutes before, on Fox "News," Hadley was even more blatant: "He's committed to the President's agenda." Shouldn't the Director of Central Intelligence be committed to getting the right intelligence, no matter what the agenda? For if one is committed to an agenda, then one will make the "facts" suit the agenda, and who knows what could happen if the CIA did that. We might go to war based on a false premise that intelligence was manipulated to prove...oh, shit, right.

Back in April 1997, when George Tenet was having his confirmation hearing to be DCI, Republican Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma said this about the position: "I think we all agree of the necessity of total objectivity, total independence from either a personal political philosophy or pressures that could be applied by any number of people whether they be in Congress or the White House or others...And this objectivity would mean, as you have -- others have asked you, it would mean delivering bad news as well as some good news. It would mean delivering the truth to this committee, the Senate Armed Services Committee or any other committee, in spite of the fact that that might totally contradict something that has been said by the administration or by the president of the United States. Would you be willing to do that?" Of course, Tenet said he would, as anyone would say while sitting in that chair.

Maybe that's why having a military man in the DCI position is such a bad idea. As we've learned, until they retire, they serve their masters Bush, Rumsfeld, and Cheney, not the people, not the truth.

(Oh, and the Rude Pundit ain't naive about the evil that the CIA has done, is doing, and will do. But at least administrations usually try to hide it a little more.)