Dick Cheney Rises and Slimes:
The viscous, shit-smelling goo that forms the life ooze of netherworld evil that pollutes the soil of the earth once again shifted itself into the shape of Vice President Dick Cheney yesterday when it opened its horrible maw and spat forth at the Ronald Reagan Gala of the Frontiers of Freedom Institute. This'd be the same group that, in its recent "Freedom Report," said of war protesters and others who dissent with the Bush administration, "Who benefits from this constitutionally protected, but irresponsible speech? The terrorists and their recruiters."

The Vice President slouched to the dais to honor former Wyoming Senator Malcolm Wallop, crazed dog founder of the FFI, who said in an interview, "The concept of minimum wage is crazy, if you really stop to think about it. If $8 an hour seems right, why not $20 an hour? If it's coming by order of the government, why stop at any level? Why not just say everyone should get what Gates gets?" and other bugfuck insane shit.

Waving his barely defined arm, staring at the crowd in that half sneer, half smirk, all contempt look on his face, seeming for all the world like a constipated Sidney Greenstreet in a penguin suit, the tuxedoed Cheney held forth about Democrats who dare to ask the Bush administration to explain how it came to its rationales for war. Fortified with a dinner of sweet poppy-encrusted Afghani children and utensils made from phosphorus-cleaned bones of former citizens of Fallujah, Cheney spat, "[T]he suggestion that's been made by some U.S. senators that the President of the United States or any member of this administration purposely misled the American people on pre-war intelligence is one of the most dishonest and reprehensible charges ever aired in this city." Oh, how the gathered conservatives applauded this show of force against Harry Reid and others, how they handjobbed and fingerfucked each other under the tables, wiping themselves with napkins made from the skins of desert-dried illegal immigrants who failed to make the big crossing.

Then Cheney, sipping Syrian blood from a crystal wine glass, continued, "What we’re hearing now is some politicians contradicting their own statements and making a play for political advantage in the middle of a war. The saddest part is that our people in uniform have been subjected to these cynical and pernicious falsehoods day in and day out. American soldiers and Marines are out there every day in dangerous conditions and desert temperatures –- conducting raids, training Iraqi forces, countering attacks, seizing weapons, and capturing killers –- and back home a few opportunists are suggesting they were sent into battle for a lie."

He promised to "throw their words back at them," and then he promised to make sure more American soldiers die in Iraq: "They and their families can be certain that this cause is right and just, and the performance of our military has been brave and honorable. And this nation will stand behind our fighting forces with pride and without wavering until the day of victory."

Upon being told of these remarks by Wolf Blitzer, Nancy Pelosi slammed back, "Let me just say this about the vice president -- and again, all due respect to his office. Almost everything he has said to the American people has not been accurate. Just because he says it doesn't make it so. And there are pages, pages of statements that he has made that have been factually incorrect. So it's interesting that he's taking this tact. It's not surprising."

Let us not leave out Wallop himself, whose remarks on that fine Wednesday evening included an attempt to take the blackness away from Rosa Parks. Speaking against hyphenate racial and ethnic identity in America, Wallop said, "Did we not see a spectacular example of that a couple of weeks ago when Rosa Parks lay in state in the Capitol? She lay in state not as an AFRICAN AMERICAN but as a true American heroine whose quiet dignity and courage expanded the freedom of each of us. She was recognized not for her race but for her defense of liberty. No hyphens here. Only her national stature, earned in front of us all, brought the thousands of Americans by to celebrate her life." Except, you know, of course, for the fact that had she not been African American, she wouldn't have had to defend her liberty.

Cheney smiled as Wallop held forth, bloviating about reducing the size of government, saying, "The public educational system is also stripping us of civilization" and "Prayer has been banished from schools, abortion imposed, criminals empowered and lewdness been made normal against the common sense of the country" and so much bonkers nonsense that you thought it was 1985 all over again.

And when it was over, Cheney was whisked away where he could give off his shape, melt back into the pool of vile, gelatinous savagery that is his true form, and be stored away until he is needed again.