The Metaphoric Death of Tom DeLay:
Now that, finally, Republican House Majority Leader Tom DeLay is so covered in shit that members of his own party can't stand the stench (and, surely, the Republicans have strong stomachs for the feces scent of their members), it is time to talk about the metaphoric death of Tom DeLay. When, in the course of a week or two, you threaten retribution for judges who vote against your wishes, and it's revealed that a) you took a trip to Russia bought and paid for by lobbyists for the Russian government and b) you paid your wife and daughter half-a-mill for "advice" or some such shit from your PAC and your campaign, you have certainly signed your own metaphoric death warrant and it is, indeed, time for you to die. Metaphorically, of course. The only question is what kind of metaphoric death DeLay will have.

Tom DeLay could metaphorically walk into the Republican Headquarters with metaphoric explosives wrapped around him and metaphorically blow the whole place up. It'd be a beautiful metaphoric thing, as bits of Tom DeLay's metaphoric viscera, perhaps his intestines or tiny, lil' nuts, careen across the air, lit for a moment in the fluorescence, before mixing with the debris left behind in the metaphoric goo that was Tom DeLay. DeLay is one bullying evil motherfucker - he's threatened to wreck the careers of children of Republicans who don't vote with him. And an evil piece of roach shit like DeLay ain't likely to go gentle into that good night. When he starts to rage, rage, against the dying of the light, you can bet he wants to drag as many people down with him as he can.

Shit, his lackeys have said as much in the last couple of weeks. "Any politician that hopes to have conservative support in the future better be in the forefront as we attack those who attack Tom DeLay," said Morton Blackwell of the bullshit front organization, the Leadership Institute. See, this isn't about a backwater sewer rat so engorged with power and vice that he has to vomit it out on all those around him. No, it's about liberals, backed by George Soros, attacking DeLay for, well, one supposes for breaking the law. How dare liberals attack DeLay for violating ethics standards and the law. Now, line up, majority members, drop yer panties, and get ready to feel the sting of the Hammer on yer asses. Conservatives are lining up to throw themselves on the grenades they perceive being lobbed at DeLay. And DeLay is pushing them to form that protective wall.

This seems to be the course the whole thing's gonna take, as the House Republicans "expressed strong support" today for DeLay. Said attack dog Roy Blunt, "We love our scandal-plagued, hated-in-his-own-hometown, political pariah, and we're gonna stand by him until someone finds out where Jack Abramoff's hiding all the files about each and every one of us." Or words to that effect.

Of course, it's also possible that Tom DeLay will be left to metaphorically starve to death in the middle of a metaphoric desert. And as he feels his body begin to metaphorically feed on itself to stay alive for just one day more, DeLay would pray that his metaphoric death happens before the metaphoric vultures circle, land, and pluck out his metaphoric eyes while he's too weak to swat them away. As he becomes poisoned by scandal, perhaps Tom DeLay will begin to be abdandoned by those around him. It certainly seems like some in the upper echelons of the Republican party are conspicuously, if subtly, signaling their disapproval of DeLay's "First thing we do is assassinate all the judges" attitude.

Or maybe DeLay will place a metaphoric gun in his mouth and metaphorically pull the trigger, blowing the back of skull onto the picture of himself and Pat Robertson that hangs in his office. DeLay did punk out of speaking at the We Hate Judges conference this weekend, with the conference site announcing, "Congressman Lamar Smith will speak in place of Tom DeLay, who was called to Rome as part of the US delegation attending the Pope's funeral. Rep. DeLay expressed his 'heartfelt regret at not being with the Judeo-Christian Council for Constitutional Restoration for this historic conference,' and pledged to work with the Council to restore One Nation Under God." (Thanks to astute reader Thomas for the tip.) Perhaps he's trying to recede, recede from the national glare since the Schiavo debacle.

Nah, if DeLay's goin' down, he's takin' the whole ship with him. He's just that kind of skeevy redneck, a shabby J.R. Ewing, a pathetic dictator, a craven dope addict looking to mainline that power shit right into his foul arm.

Note: All the above deaths of Tom DeLay are metaphorical. The Rude Pundit wants nothing more than for DeLay to have to return to crawling under houses, looking for termites, trying to command the queen termite like he commands Dennis Hastert.