All the Gay, Gay Grannies:
Now the Rude Pundit knows: Grandma must be in hell. Because, apparently, when Grandma was in her retirement years and a card-carrying member of the AARP, her quilting circles were actually excuses for hot lesbian action. Whenever she went on cruises with the widow next door, AARP discounted cruises, it meant that Grandma and the widow would carefully open their tired hips, slowly, lest a nasty break occur, and reveal their withered flowers of orgasmic paradise to hungry tongues and mouths. Oh, how the sweet rocking of the oceans around Bermuda must have enhanced their moans, their pleasures, to and fro, to and fro, ah, Grandma. And let's not even think about Grandpa and whatever went on at the American Legion Hall on Friday nights. But let's just say perhaps AARP stands for the "Association of Anally-Rogering People."

According to a just fuckin' bizarre ad on the website of conservative mag The American Spectator (motto: We think you're so goddamn stupid that we'll charge 39 bucks for 10 issues), the AARP hates them some soldiers but loves them some queers. No, c'mon, seriously, the ad flatly states, "The Real AARP Agenda," and shows a picture of a soldier with a red "x" over him and a picture of two, presumably marrying, men kissing, with a green check on it. The Rude Pundit looked closely, and he may be wrong, but the kissing man on the right looks pretty much exactly like the soldier on the left. Is the ad saying that AARP advocates "Make Love, Not War"?

But, no, no, you click on the ad and you're brought to the nigh-on magnificent site of USA Next, which has declared war on the AARP for its wacky liberal ways, like, say, supporting President Bush's Medicare prescription drug "reform." Using the re-animated corpse of Art Linklater as its sometimes spokesperson (especially on Fox "News" where Linklater does segments titled "Zombies Say the Darndest Things"), USA Next positions itself as a "conservative" alternative to the AARP.

When its chair, Charles W. Jarvis, appeared on Bill O'Reilly's Fox "News" show, he called the AARP "the world's largest left, liberal lobbying organization." O'Reilly, who's been on the attack on AARP, had opened the segment by stating that the "AARP has taken a sharp turn to the left." In the strange world conservatives currently occupy, according to Jarvis and the USA Next website, one of the markers of the "left turn" of the AARP happened back in 1980s, when the AARP agreed to support a tax on Social Security benefits. Oh, the motherfucking outrage. Says USA Next, "They actually made it possible, first in 1984 and again in 1993, for seniors to be punished for saving during their working years or working in their retirement years." Except, of course, this left turn was supported by Ronald Reagan and a bipartisan commission (chaired by Alan Greenspan) attempting to shore up Social Security and mostly hit the wealthiest earners. Oh, and it was in 1983.

See, USA Next is about to go all Swift Boat on the AARP, using the same advisers as the Swifties. But, you know, and, c'mon, USA Next, which has no age restriction on joining, is really just a front for corporations. According to Public Citizen, the pharmaceutical and energy industries "donated" millions of dollars to USA Next in order for the group to run ads supporting industry positions, conveniently filtered through non-corporate sounding organizations. USA Next is just another perfect synthesis of media, corporations, government, and their filthy money using deception to undermine the honest debate on an issue.

Some other fun stuff on the USA Next website: their list of "Online Resources" contains links to all network news sites, except CBS. But the Drudge Report is there. They link directly to Pfizer. One of their "issues" is to tell the Academy to give the Oscar to The Passion of the Christ. And their senior-related news includes three articles on how the film Super Size Me is a "con" job (seniors, don't be scared out of eating at the one restaurant you all can afford).

Finally, in our look at this weird amalgam of maniacal morality, anti-government ranting, and corporate crotch-sniffing, let's ask this question: what's the connection to the Legal Services Corporation during the 1980s? (The LSC is the governmental agency that provides a modicum of funding for legal assistance for those who can't afford such luxuries. Most of their work is done through grants to states and organizations.) 'Cause USA Next Board Member Jim Wootton was the director of policy, communications and legislative affairs of the LSC in 1986.

Around that time a "Charles W. Jarvis" was its Vice-President, and, according to the November 18, 1985 New York Times, was in that position when the LSC was accused of using harassing audits on LSC grantees who served the poor as a means to enact the Reagan administration's desire to end federal financing of legal services to the poor. And around this time, according to old friend Howard Kurtz in the October 22, 1985 Wasthington Post, the LSC was accused of funneling money to a conservative activist, James McClellan. Is this relevant? Who knows. Fun with Lexis-Nexis, you know. But it points to a lifetime spent trying to dismantle any government support of those in need. And now it's time for Granny to pony up.

Yep, all this and more in the weird world of giving legitimacy to another fringe organization. But strangely on the website, nothing about how the AARP hates soldiers and loves gays. One might accuse USA Next of pulling a bait-and-switch. Or of being, shall we say, fucking liars.

(Update: The ad was taken down from American Sphincter, but it's up here.)