Hispanos del amor de los republicanos:
Man, did you know that Alberto Gonzales is Hispanic? Holy shit, the Republicans hammered that fucker home over and over in the "debate" over Gonzales's nomination. In his nominating speech, Bill Frist twice called Gonzales an "Hispanic-American." Then Craig Thomas of Wyoming said Gonzales will be "our Nation's first Hispanic top law enforcement officer." Arlen Specter went to town, telling the Senate about how much he loves the Hispanics: "When I was elected district attorney of Philadelphia some time ago, in 1965, there was not a single Hispanic lawyer in Philadelphia. At that time, I made an effort of outreach to bring minority representation into the district attorney's office as assistants and could not find a single Hispanic." And then Specter reminded us, "Judge Gonzales, I think, also would be expected to have a broader view on the immigration laws, being Hispanic." And certainly he'll be able to cook up frijoles roja like a motherfucker.

Orrin Hatch was so filled with Hispanic love you thought he might ejaculate jalepeno juice. Did you know that Hatch is the "Chairman of the Republican Senatorial Hispanic Task Force"? Did you know such a thing exists? Did you care? Hatch compared Gonzales's nomination to the other five Hispanics who were made members of various cabinets. In fact, Hatch, despite all his protestations, in essence said to vote for Gonzales because you gotta, gotta, gotta vote for the Hispanic guy: "Look, this is not just any nomination. This is a nomination for the Attorney General of the United States of America. This is the first Hispanic ever nominated for that position, or for any of the big four positions in the Cabinet of any President." Hatch brought it home with the Latino lovin': "We work with Hispanic people all over America who are every bit as devoted to our country as any citizen who has ever been in this country. I personally love Hispanic people." Yeah, Orrin Hatch has the chalupa jones, as he shows when he said, "Frankly, I know my friends in the Hispanic community, and Hispanic people all over America, are watching this debate, and they are sensing something very unfair going on here."

Hatch was followed by John Cornyn of Texas, who essentially said the word "Hispanic" over and over. Alberto Gonzales is not the "caricature" people have made him out to be, Cornyn said, "he is a source of pride and admiration for Hispanic organizations and Hispanics all across this great land of ours." Mel Martinez said, "Judge Gonzales is a role model for the next generation of Hispanic Americans in this country," and, like Tiger Woods in golf and for black people, "There will be Hispanic boys and girls across the country who will now aspire to be lawyers because of Judge Gonzales's example." (Martinez then got all Hispanic-y and talked some smack in Spanish to the Latin King homies in M-Town.)

They all jumped on the train to Ciudad de la Tortura, one after another, Jon Kyl, Kay Bailey Hutchison, the vile Saxby Chambliss, the mad Jim Bunning, and more, over and over, saying that Gonzales will be the first Hispanic Attorney General. Hatch spoke later and may as well have brayed that Democrats want to put pirahnas into the Rio Grande when he said, "What is it about Judge Gonzales that makes some people believe that he is somehow incapable of making the simple distinctions, distinctions made by lawyers every day? Is it prejudice? Is it a belief that a Hispanic American should never be in a position like this--because he will be the first one ever in a position like this?"

And then he threatened those who opposed Gonzales with "I believe every Hispanic in America who is interested in this country and who understands what is going on here is watching this with a great deal of interest," thus outlining the campaign strategy for 2006. Pete Domenici said as much: "What I am concerned about is whether the Democratic Party thinks it is going to help them because I do think it is another opportunity for Hispanics to say, Why should we be Democrats?" The same Democrats who tried, over and over, and so futilely, to make this about the torture, dummies. But, no. Gonzales's race is the trump card over cruelty.

Yep, like Clarence Thomas, that shining beacon of hope for the black community, Alberto Gonzales, who is, indeed, the first Hispanic Attorney General and, in fact, Attorney General to all of us, will glow like a 7-11 burrito being nuked in a cheese-stained microwave, casting a beam on smiling would-be torturing Hispanics everywhere, wondrous Hispanics who toil in the fields of America, trying so hard to justify the ways of the white people who order them to do their bidding.

(Oh, and, by the way, John McCain, you gimpy motherfucker? Don't you ever try to take the moral high ground on anything, ever again. Not only did you stay stone silent on Gonzales, but you sucked it up like a good little butt boy and voted for the torture master.)

(Oh, and, fuck you, Joe Lieberman.)