Ben Carson Goes Down on Phyllis Schlafly

In a clusterfuck of stupid and deranged, Ben Carson, that black guy conservatives like, has written a bewilderingly naive piece praising anti-women's rights activist Phyllis Schlafly, who, yes, is still alive after 90 years of polluting the earth, demonstrating quite clearly that there is no God. The occasion is that Schlafly will be given some goddamned award at the Conservative Political Action Conference, an orgy of lunatic right-wing activists finger fucking each other, submissive politicians begging for a spanking, and slavering hordes of onlookers hoping to take a selfie masturbating near their nutzoid kings and queens.

Carson pulls down Schlafly's threadbare white underwear, licks his lips, parts the folds, and gets to work: "[S]he has been a tireless advocate for the nuclear family, for traditional marriage and for common-sense conservatism that resists injecting government into every aspect of our lives." Carson, being a doctor, is skilled at flicking his tongue in a way that makes Schlafly twitch with pleasure: "Schlafly succeeded because she was intellectually honest, impassioned and skilled in not only communicating the fight, but also in waging it. Likewise, she has relentlessly fought for life, recognizing early on that the Roe v. Wade decision would be one of the Supreme Court's worst decisions." And he brings her to screaming orgasm as he goes in hard on that droopy nub: "Her voice is as relevant and strong today as it was more than a half-century ago."

Indeed, Schlafly did more to set back the cause of women's rights than just about anyone, presenting herself as the anti-Steinem, the anti-Abzug, the very anti-Friedan, a Coulter before Coulter was cool, cruelly condemning single women and the LGBT community for undermining her rigid patriarchal understanding of the world. And even today she fearlessly treads into controversial waters with the batshit confidence of those who fight the lumbering beast of progress.

In January of this year, she offered her take on rape on college campuses: "The imbalance of far more women than men at colleges has been a factor in the various sex scandals that have made news in the last couple of years." Yes, yes, because there's just too much pussy being flaunted in weak men's faces that they have no choice but to do some raping.

Shortly after that profound reasoning, Schlafly took on same-sex marriage, comparing it to abortion, which, if you think about it, you shouldn't. She's got an awesome solution for the nation should the Supreme Court let the gays get all connubial: "Congress should enact laws denying funding and withholding jurisdiction from enforcement of any redefinition of marriage by the federal judiciary." That's known as "The Hissy Fit Strategem" or "Where's My Wubbie?"

So, yes, the Rude Pundit joins Ben Carson in saluting Phyllis Schlafly. For something like 400 years, she's been a consistent, festering boil on the low part of the right ass cheek of freedom. Whether she's warning college graduates not to date feminists, even the pretty ones, or attacking pre-K education because it allows women to work, she has been the doyenne of bullshit misogyny and given comfort to sexist motherfuckers everywhere.