Family Research Council: Pray for the Gay-Bashing Fried Chicken Purveyors:
Holy Christ on burnt toast, we members of the Family Research Council's Super-Duper Prayer Team have got to save our waffle fries. The Rude Pundit joined the Super-Duper Prayer Team a few years back and every week we receive emails directly from Godjeebus givin' us our prayerphagia orders. Mostly, it's just about hatin' gays and lovin' fetuses, the usual shit from the conservative Family Research Council (motto: "You're not a religious person unless we say you're a religious person, Nancy Pelosi"). But, believe it or not, sometimes we fine, fine God soldiers in the SDPT are called upon to get on our knees before our Lord and stab that prayer spear for the good of capitalism.
So it was that, last week, the Rude Pundit received the following urgent message: "FRC President Tony Perkins has long warned that the Homosexual Agenda and Religious Liberty cannot coexist. Now homosexual activists are proving his axiom by their persecution of the Chick-fil-A restaurant chain. Students at Indiana University, South Bend, have officially complained that their chancellor is violating the school's anti-discrimination policy by allowing sales of Chick-fil-A sandwiches on campus." Good fuckin' God, what more do homosexual activists want? They've taken away marriage and adoption and all the really good anal vibrators. Now they're coming for our delicious peanut oil-fried chicken breast sandwiches with the buttered buns and the delicious tangy, limp pickles on them? And our waffle fries? Oh, that's too far, man, too fuckin' far. Time for a line in the crispy coating.
It goes on: "The much beloved Cathy family, owners of Chick-fil-A, are widely known for their Christian faith, their Sunday store closing to honor the Sabbath, and their generous support for evangelism and other Christian causes," like contributing to anti-gay organizations. Imagine: people not wanting their tax dollars at a public university being used to support a business that gives to groups that discriminate against people. How absurd.
Say what you will about the action of the students and the banning of the restaurant, but one thing's for sure: we need some motherfuckin' prayin' about this. Luckily, the SDPT is never without the words for our prayturbation sessions:
"May Chick-fil-A gain far more goodwill than it loses as a result of these organized efforts. May the indecent treatment of such decent, respectable business people be an eye-opener for Americans. May these and future such efforts backfire," we're implored to implore. And we get, as usual, Bible verses to support our support of Chick-fil-A, because if there's one thing Jesus was all about, it was the ability of businesses to contribute to causes that offend their patrons without suffering any adverse financial consequences.
Or, perhaps, we should abide one of the biblical passages to back this shit up. Acts 10:1-4 is suggested after the prayer. Let's see what that is...hmmm...there's a dude named Cornelius, not the Planet of the Apes one, who gives money to the poor and prays, and an angel tells him to pray some more. Huh. That seems a bit redundant. Further on in Acts 10, Peter gets really hungry. Guess he could get him some Chick-fil-A, long as it's not Sunday.
Well, fuck, anyways, it's bad, and we gotta pray for profits made on fried chicken, because what else are you gonna bother prayin' for? Flood victims? That's soooo Old Testament.