Family Research Council: "Pray That God Kills the Lame Ducks":
Holy shit, Godjeebus has an attention to details and minutiae. 'Cause, see, according to the Family Research Council (motto: "This queer ain't gonna bash himself"), the invisible sky wizard has time to listen to our prayers about the coming lame duck session in Congress, post-midterms. Yep, the word has gone out to we members of the FRC's Super-Duper Prayer Team that we gotta get on our knees and offer up some oral gratification to the Lord in order to halt them satanic liberals from sneaking in the back door and having their way with our precious nation without accountability, motherfuckers, holy fuck, without accountability.
The Rude Pundit joined the SDPT a few years ago under a nom de rude and every week he receives an email, like a small miracle, that tells him what needs his prayerim jobs. Usually, it's a heady mixture of gay marriage and abortion, which, if you think about it, support of one might slow the pace of the other.
This week, oh, we're goin' bugfuck insane over the possible future o' doom: "Liberals, many likely to be defeated at the polls, will still hold power until January. After the elections, they will make a last-ditch effort to pass objectionable liberal measures they may never have an opportunity to pass again." And what will the eeevil liberals trick Senate Republicans into no longer blocking? "[R]equiring the military to enlist practicing homosexuals," which is just spooky. Imagine the Marines seeking out and drafting gay people in mid-ass fuck or carpet-munch.
So we gotta "Pray for the election of God-fearing public servants, but also that Congressional liberals utterly fail to enact their agenda in the lame duck session." For, yea, God created the duck, and, lo, he may smite the lame ones.
As ever, we members of the SDPT are given verses o' biblical righteousness to back up our prayerturbating ways. "What the fuck does the Bible have to say about lame duck sessions in Congress?" you might ask. Well, heathen cocksucker, you just need to look at Exodus 18:21: "Moreover thou shalt provide out of all the people able men, such as fear God, men of truth, hating covetousness; and place such over them, to be rulers of thousands, and rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens." Yeah, that proves the point that a lawful body of elected representatives shouldn't do the job they were elected to do and ought to just give up and run away with their tails between their legs. Fuckin' OT, man.
Or how about Ecclesiastes 12:13, which says, "Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man."
Of course, six verses earlier, it says, "Vanity of vanities, saith the preacher; all is vanity." But, you know, to get that would require that you read the whole book.