Barney the Dog Is Not Gonna Take This Shit Anymore:

Yesterday, First Dog Barney bit Reuters reporter Jon Decker when Decker reached out to pet the Scottish terrier. Reached for comment, an obviously intoxicated Barney, with suspicious white powder caked on his cold, wet nose, offered the following:

"Yeah, I bit that cocksucker. Fuck him. Did I fuckin' look like I wanted my ears scratched? He's lucky I didn't throw him onto the ground and hump his ass. You do not fuck with the B-dog when the B-dog does not wish to be fucked with.

"An overreaction? Have you been around here for the last couple of months? 'Cause I sure as shit have been here. I've been forced to sit on George's lap while he cries like a little bitch - and, hey, I know bitches - watching his little post-9/11 standing-on-the-rubble speech over and over as he sucks down the boilermakers. And then, when the guy's finally drunk himself to sleep and the Secret Service have dragged him to bed and laid him on his side so he doesn't choke on his own vomit, Laura offers me a fuckin' treat to come into the Lincoln bedroom. Like the stupid biscuit whore I am, I go runnin' down there, and then she shuts the door and lays on the bed, pouring Alpo between her legs. What would you do, motherfucker? Huh? You're a human; I'm just a dog. A fixed dog. My nuts were cut off so long ago I forget what they taste like. She's pinchin' her tits and callin' me 'Jeb' and all I want is to have dinner. And if pussy bowl Alpo's what's being offered, then I'm diving in.

"Sure, they can all put on a little show, coming out to say how the whole transition's gonna be smooth. But you weren't fuckin' here election night. First, they made Condi leave because Card said he wanted to be able to say what he was really feeling. Then when she was gone, it was just 'nigger' this and 'jigaboo' that and 'porch monkey' and you know the rest. Fuckers would giggle at every backwards ass racist joke about watermelon parties and threatening to boil Gordon Brown in a giant pot on the South Lawn. Hello? Fuckin' look at me. I'm a brother, motherfuckers. And that shit was not cool.

"That's not to mention - every time a Bush state went Obama, Cheney kicked me. And then he'd laugh. He'd laugh when I yelped because that's the shit that he's into. I tried to bite him, but the Secret Service guys held me back and that son of a bitch threatened to have me put down. Me put down? That motherfucker better back the fuck off or I'll fuckin' cut his metal heart out. I fuckin' swear.

"So, yeah, bitches, I was feelin' a little tense from lack of sleep and all the yelling and I'm outside, just wantin' to take a private shit for once and the goddamn press dicks surround me, asking me what I thought about the Obama kids getting a puppy. Who the fuck cares? Get your fucking cameras out of my face. So when Decker tried to get all personal, I snapped and then I snapped. Yeah, motherfucker. You got off easy. Now get the fuck out of my room. This coke ain't gonna snort itself."