What Obama Should Say (Rude Version), Part 2:
If, at tonight's debate in Nashville, when Tom Brokaw or some undecided voter asks Barack Obama about his association with former Weather Underground member and current Distinguished Professor of Education at the University of Illinois - Chicago William Ayers, and the Democratic candidate doesn't say, "Oh, fuck me, really? Okay, fine. You want me to talk about this shit? Here ya go: he's a dude on my street who held a coffee get-together for me years ago when I was gonna run to be the state senator of his 'hood. And we served at the same time on the board of the Woods Fund. You know what the Woods Fund does? It tries to help community organizers in Chicago get shit done for the poor, you know, like education, housing, and jobs. Now, Sarah Palin may think that community organizers don't do jack shit, but we did the work the government wouldn't or couldn't do. So, yeah, Ayers was there. But 'pal around' with him? Motherfucker, we followed Robert's Rules of Order together. Maybe for people who scream at and abuse their friends that counts as being 'pals,' but for most of us, it ain't even an 'acquaintance.' Dude, Johnny, you signed a confession that degraded America when you were over in 'Nam. And I'm the traitor?
"You really think people give a fat rat's fuck about William Ayers and what he did 40 years ago? Goddamn, Johnny Maverick, you must be shitting yourself so much that Cindy's gotta change them Depends every hour or you'll smell like you're rotting from the inside. You know what it means when all you got to throw at a candidate is people he's met? It means you're fuckin' frightened, man, and it means that you've maxed out your bullshit card - no one's buyin' what you're sellin', Johnny Maverick; just send that worthless shit back to the Republican warehouse of lies next to trickle-down and WMDs and commie spies in Hollywood.
"So you can have your Muppet-sounding idiot VP bitch out there in front of crowds, talkin' smack about me and gettin' people to yell, 'Kill him,' and you can try to convince everyone I'm a terrorist. Fuck, talk about Tony Rezko and Reverend Wright. Drag those corpses up there and cut new holes in 'em to try to show you can fuck 'em different than others have. But you know and I know that you're desperate. Motherfucker, you tied yourself to Reagan and Bush and now that ideology is sinkin' like cement shoes on a mob snitch. Drown, motherfucker, drown.
"I faced down Bill and Hillary Clinton, Johnny Mac. They pulled all that shit on me. They raped and beat me like new prison meat. Do you honestly think that your gimpy ass and that dimwitted attack cunt with you are gonna lay a hand on me?
"And you're in the shit now. 'Cause I've been waitin' for this moment, you fuckin' senile old fuck. I was waitin' until I could see the whites of your twitchy fuckin' eyes to pull the trigger on the Keating Gatling gun I've been holdin'. You wanted to take the gloves off. Then why are your hands shakin', bitch? You can send your people out there to say that you were cleared, but the name sticks, doesn't it? 'Keating Five'? I wasn't gonna go there, but you teed up the ball. I just swung the fuckin' club. Now, lemme ask you somethin'. What's more important - that some guy who did some shit four decades ago once said, 'Hi' to me or that you are one of the reasons that the federal government had to bail out the savings and loan industry? Moral equivalence doesn't work, does it, Johnny Mac?
"You stupid cocksucker, get your head out of your piss hole in the Hanoi Hilton. There's people out there killing themselves because they can't pay the mortgage. Jobs are disappearing faster than liver spots are popping up on your skin. Pakistan's about to go nutzoid, and they have actual nukes, not hallucinated ones like you thought Iraq had. And you actually think that anyone cares about Ayers other than the backward ass redneck country fucks who are so fuckin' retarded that they think Sarah Palin is smart. America's scared, man. You can't scare it any more than it is already.
"You decided to go from nasty to evil. You decided to make this personal. So when it's over, Johnny Mac, when your decrepit, crippled little body finally gives out on you after you lose this election, I want you to have to watch the TV and see me out there, livin' your dream, this Negro terrorist liberal elitist lawyer. I want the last thing you see on this earth to be me, standin' in the Rose Garden, smilin' at reporters and know that I'm smilin' at you, Johnny Maverick, knowin' that I'm right where you thought you would be" then the debate will be worthless.