What Biden Ought To Say (Rude Version):
If at tonight's debate, Gwen Ifill asks Democratic vice presidential candidate Joe Biden whether he thinks Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, and he doesn't say, "Gwen, let me speak for the vast majority of people in this country when I say, frankly and honestly, 'What the fuck?' No, really, What. The. Fuck. I mean, everyone's seen this goddamned idiot over here running around and playing national candidate dress-up. And isn't it embarrassing? Isn't it just so depressingly, godforsakenly embarrassing? C'mon, Republicans, you gotta hate yourselves for having to constantly defend her when she says something utterly incomprehensible or just plain friggin' dumb. You gotta hate yourselves for how far you've devolved.
"Really, what the fuck? And don't gimme that fuckin' little sour-faced sneer, Sarah, where you look like just sucked a sweaty hobo's cock. 'Cause you know it's true and every time you get asked a question that stumps you, which is every fuckin' question, and you get that look in your eyes like the deer laying on the road way after the headlights have gone by, you gotta wonder, 'What the fuck?' yourself. You're in over your head, and there ain't no life preserver here.
"Last week, we all had to watch while John McCain treated Barack Obama like he had just fucked McCain's daughter's lily-white snatch with his big black dick. Barack Obama fought for months to win the votes of his party to win the nomination. What the fuck did you do, Sarah? You ran a town that's the size of a Super Wal-Mart? You're a governor? Of fuckin' Alaska? Jesus fuckin' Christ, that means your only job is to see how much you can get away with fucking up the environment to squeeze a little more filthy oil lucre out of the wheezing earth so you can please the corporations that fuckin' own your state and to see how much you can afford to bribe the citizens there with Exxon's profits. And you're on stage with me? At best, you should be the second focus group-ready questioner in a townhall meeting, you know, the crazy Christian chick from a rural state no one gives a fuck about but we all have to pretend matters because of the electoral college.
"And you wanna make fun of me? Saying you were in 2nd grade when I was first in the Senate? Fuck you. You know what I was doing then while your daddy was showing you how to rip the intestines out of a moose or some such shit? I was trying to stop the Nixon administration from blowing the fuck out Cambodia. And when you were sashaying your ass around a stage in a swimsuit and heels, wondering if you could just handjob the judges backstage, I was facing down Ronald Reagan for his insane policies, including in Lebanon. But that'd be history and that requires you to think about more than whatever talking points John McCain has been jamming up your twat and down your throat for the last couple of months, which is the only time you've given a shit about more than how to use your office to get jobs for friends, take revenge on ex-in-laws, and get pretty, shiny presents.
"I don't wanna fuckin' hear about this dink anymore. I don't wanna know about how she went to five different safety schools before squeezing out a vanity degree like a turd from a constipated old man. I don't wanna hear about her retarded baby. I don't wanna hear about her knocked-up teenage daughter. I don't wanna hear about her fuckin' redneck husband. Fuck them. They are the ones who need to be led, not the ones who need to be leading. So I don't give a fuck about what Bush with boobs here has to say about jack shit. And you know what else? I don't wanna hear about the wisdom of small town America. You know where the Founders spent their time? In the cities. In Paris. In London. Small towns? That's called 'isolation.' And it's bullshit political talk for 'white,' Gwen. Oh, do I sound elitist? If it's elitist to want to elect people who actually have a thought in their head about more than whether or not to name the next child 'Remington' or 'Colt,' then, fine, fuck me, it's elitist.
"This ain't a fuckin' game, Gwen. It ain't a fuckin' beauty pageant where you can give a cross-eyed hummer to a flute and charm your way to second place. We already played let's-put-the-idiot-in-charge. How'd that work out, huh? So it ain't funny that we are actually having a serious discussion about someone who is caught off guard when asked for a newspaper she reads. It's not funny. Not when the top of her ticket is Old Geezer Grumpy McStrokeEye. So, no, Gwen, even if the economy was so good that everyone was knee deep in cash and pussy or cock, even if Osama bin Laden told all his people to go back to goat fucking and then killed himself, even if all of a sudden we discovered we could all power our cars cleanly with pig shit, even if the streets were paved with gold, Gwen, this fuckin' idiot, who couldn't discuss a foreign policy even though her soldier son's life depends on it and who couldn't even name the Exxon Valdez case, fer chrissake, oughta be arrested if she sets foot in Washington, DC," then the whole thing will be worthless.