8/16/2005

Justice Sunday II: Electric Boogaloo:
Ya gotta love Zell Miller at the Family Research Council's Justice Sunday II. Just when you thought you'd heard every bugfuck insane simile, he comes up with a doozy: "liberal" judges are "ready to discard like an outdated hula hoop the sacred institution of marriage." Great spinnin' eyeballs, what the hell does that mean? How does one discard an old hula hoop? Is it any different than discarding a newfangled hula hoop? Don't you just throw it in the trash or do you roll it down the street? If you roll it down the street, how does that equate with marriage? Zell Miller is either the last great Dadaist or he's just yer crazy neighbor who sits in his chair on the front lawn with his white t-shirt stuffed into his over-washed thin boxer shorts, pulled up to his belly so that his nuts are bisected, shoutin' shit at the kids that ride by, like "You come near here again and I'll fistfuck Satan," or something equally nutzoid.

Tom DeLay, demonstrating his reverence for all things American, took a great huge shit right there, on the altar at the Two Rivers Baptist Church, onto an original copy of the Constitution. Strangely, none of the gathered parishioners were surprised. Hoisting his feces aloft, DeLay cried out, "I am shitting on our founding document to protect it. No one will dare touch it once it is besmeared with my shit." Then he brought us back to a time when, apparently, high school teachers lied about the role of the Supreme Court: "All wisdom does not reside in nine persons in black robes. The Constitution is clear on the point that the power to make laws is vested on Congress...This fact, understood by every high school civics student, has been forgotten in recent decades by too many members of the American judiciary, including, most notably, the United States Supreme Court itself."

Like Miller is a Dadaist, DeLay is a deconstructionist. 'Cause, like, judges don't "make laws." They strike down laws, but, as Derrida before him pointed out, DeLay is merely insisting that absence is presence. Or, maybe, he's a megalomaniacal creeping mold who'll say anything to distract attention from his slow infection of the entire Capitol. It's a toss-up, to be sure.

The rest of Justice Sunday II was about as worthless as Miller and DeLay. Oh, my, we really learned something by hearing that the Christian right hates gays, stem cell research, and abortion. And criticizing people like Chuck "Creepy Converted Plumber" Colson and Phyllis "Fuck, She's Still Alive?" Schlafly is a bit like shooting whales in a barrel.

For these people who give all credit to God and Jeeeezus for everything, it's strange that bad things in America are the fault of those goddamn "unelected" judges, who wouldn't seem to have half the superpowers of a magical sky wizard and his young ward. You know, no one elected Christ to any position of power. In fact, if you'd done a poll back in the day, chances are the vast majority would have been against him. But that doesn't seem to make a difference in jerkin' the Jesus bell whenever they need to bluster.