Four Points in Ohio:
Last night, Republican National Committee Chair Ken Mehlman demanded that Jeff Gannon fuck him harder as he watched the results coming in from the Ohio Second Congressional District race for the House between Republican Jean "Crazy Fuckin' Eyes Means Crazy Fuckin' Mind" Schmidt and Democrat Paul "I'm an Iraq War Vet - C'mon, Fuck With Me" Hackett. Sweet mercies, Mehlman cried as Gannon did as he was being paid to do, fuck the ass of the RNC chair harder or gentler depending on the numbers. Schmidt behind? Slam that meat home with all the force of a rocket-propelled grenade nailing a gerbil. Schmidt ahead? Do the smooth moves, the quiet ooh and ahh of the in and out. Of course, the further ahead, the nicer the fucking.

For a while there, as Hackett pulled ahead for a bit, Mehlman didn't think his asshole could take it. Hell, Gannon didn't think his cock could keep going without snapping like a burnt frankfurter. But soon, all was presumptively well, as, in one of the safest Republican districts in the nation, Schmidt won. By four points. In a district that is 70% Republican that was last won by 44 points by the Republican incumbent. In a district that has counties that in 2004 broke down this way: Adams County - 64% Bush, 36% Kerry; Brown County - 64% Bush, 36% Kerry; Clermont County - 70% Bush; 29% Kerry; Pike County - 52% Bush, 48% Kerry. The other counties are only partially represented by the district, but Bush won those by between 4 and 28 points.

This morning, when Mehlman said he was shitting blood, Gannon apologized, saying he was only doing what Mehlman wanted. No, Mehlman explained. It wasn't the hard fucking, dear man-whore. It was Ohio. Goddamned Ohio. And if the nation as a whole makes only half the shift that Ohio-02 made, then, Mehlman said, weeping, we're fucked harder than you could ever manage.

(Note: Again, the abbreviated entries are due to the exhausting regime of rehearsals to get ready for the Rude Pundit live in NYC.)