The Supreme Court and Same-Sex Marriage: The Thought That Just Went Through the Heads of GOP Presidential Candidates

So it has come to pass: The Supreme Court of these here United States has finally decided to take up a case that should decide once and for all if men can marry men and women can marry women. Will the highest court in the land let the nation fall into the sin that has destroyed such great states Iowa and Delaware? Or that hellhole of Minnesota? Oh, sure, but what about Kansas? Obviously, it's all the connubial sodomy and not the shitty tax policies that have brought the wrath of Godjeebus down on the gateway to Oz.

The Rude Pundit is pretty sure that, in offices and dens and bathrooms all around the nation, the potential candidates for the Republican presidential nomination nearly all just thought the exact same thing:

"Jesus, God, please, motherfucker, let the court allow gays and lesbians to get married so I can just campaign on how wrong it is and not have to promise to do anything realistic about it. Yes, yes, I know, the nutcases will want me to say there should be a constitutional amendment, but that's not gonna happen. Please don't let this become the gay marriage election. I'd rather pierce my nipples with a slow power drill than have to go out every day and talk about how something that most Americans don't give a shit about is the most important thing in the history of ever. Please take this out of the equation or the base is gonna eat us alive and force us to be animals."

Of course, there are always outliers. Mitt Romney is probably wondering, "What are Jeb and Christie thinking? Whatever it is, I have to say something to the right of them. Now let me wipe my ass with these dollar bills." Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum are getting sweaty at the possibility of making their audiences think about one ripped, bald leather stud getting a rim job from a horny, masturbating bear on the altar of the local cathedral just before they exchange cock rings before Jesus and everyone. Because, really, what the fuck else are they gonna talk about. Meanwhile, Ben Carson is trying to figure out what will most please the white people who give him so much money for the bullshit he says.

But you can bet that Bush, Christie, Rubio, Paul, Fiorina, Jindal, Perry, Walker, even Cruz all just want this fucking issue to go away. They are not idiots. They know that, in the general election, being anti-gay marriage is a non-starter at this point. Most people, especially the young 'uns, don't care if LGBT people can get married, but they think it's wrong to not allow it. The best thing that could happen for the GOP is for the Supreme Court to allow gay marriage throughout the land. Take it out of the equation. Or else it will devour the primaries. They'd break down into heated arguments over who hates the queers more, each candidate debasing him or herself more and more before the almighty base.

While that would be delightful to watch, the Rude Pundit would rather marriage equality and freedom for all.