(Note: The word "jolly" will be used to indicate New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's still-substantial girth since phrases like "fat fucking piece of fat shit" have become frowned upon. "Jolly" shall now be the "urban" of obesity.)
So it was that jolly mobster Chris Christie stepped his jolly ass up to the podium and gave his State of the State of the State of New Jersey of the State Address to the gathered legislators and, more importantly, the gathered media who were there to see how deeply and with how much vigor Christie would suck the dick of his presidential aspirations. The quick answer was "Intensely." In a speech that touched on a few things going on in New Jersey - help for addicts, the rescuing of Camden from complete abandonment - the most notable thing most citizens of New Jersey took away from it was "Who the fuck cares what some old fuckin' lady from Florida says about shit?"
Yes, Christie reminded everyone, he travels. Jolly motherfucker travels about 40% of his time, mostly to do business that has nothing to do with leading New Jersey. And what did he learn from his time wandering the highways and byways of luxury hotels and glorifying events? The peoples is anxious: "As I traveled the country over the last year, this anxiety was the most palpable emotion I saw and felt. I saw it on the streets of Chicago and felt it in the suburbs of Maryland. I heard it from farmers in Kansas and from teachers in Colorado. I felt it from veterans in Maine and from workers in Arkansas. But the wisest words came from an 82 year old woman in Florida. She grabbed my hand and asked me a simple, but powerful question: 'What’s happened to our country? We used to control events. Now events control us.'"
Hey, you jolly asshole, it's great that you can name states and let old ladies touch you. Now, what the fuck are you doing about pension shortfalls in Jersey? He mentioned it 9 times in his speech and said that solutions were needed and offered, by a rough count, not a single one, just like a great leader. But Chris Christie couldn't give a happy monkey fuck about New Jersey anymore except as the illusion of harmony and cooperation and success he wants to use to fake out the nation. Or bully them into voting for his bullshit.
"We are a nation beset by anxiety," he said. "It is understandable. Economic growth is low by post-war recovery standards. America’s leadership in the world is called into question because of a pattern of indecision and inconsistency. During this time of uncertainty it seems our leaders in Washington would rather stoke division for their own political gain. And this culture of divisiveness and distrust has seeped into our communities and our neighborhoods." Chris Christie will ride in on a very strong horse to save America with his New Jersey magic: "I believe in a New Jersey renewal which can help lead to an American renewal both in every individual home and in homes around the world."
Which would be awesome, except, of course, that Chris Christie's New Jersey is a jolly fucking failure. New Jersey "is one of just three states that saw more people falling into poverty than rising above it." Take-home income dropped from 2010-2012 at all levels except those earning a million bucks or more. And jobs? Here's a hard fact to put in Christie's jolly face: "From August 2013 to August 2014, a revised report released Thursday showed the state added 6,700 jobs, amounting to 558 new jobs a month. It is so few that it would take 44 years to find positions in the state for New Jersey's 294,700 unemployed residents." And the state's bond rating was lowered multiple times to the second lowest in the nation, which means something bad that the Rude Pundit won't pretend to get.
And this is not to mention the shit that Christie won't mention. For instance, in the speech, he mentioned how some businesses are leaving New Jersey because of high taxes. His example: "New Jersey just lost Mercedes Benz USA to the state of Georgia. Mercedes, in New Jersey since the early 1970’s, is leaving for a very simple reason -- it costs less to do business in Georgia than it does in New Jersey. Don’t take my word for it -- the leaders of Mercedes said it themselves. Economic incentive laws help -- but lower taxes are better." Of course, Christie didn't give any ideas on how to lower taxes.
Still, awesomely logical, except that one of the other industries that has left Jersey is pharmaceuticals. Those companies didn't leave for the free money of Mississippi. They went up the road to Taxachusetts. Yeah, because Democratic Governor Deval Patrick created a fund to attract companies specifically interested in life sciences. Taxes are close to or the same in Massachusetts. It's just that the state gave a crap about the industry.
Christie didn't mention the excruciating slow recovery from Hurricane Sandy - he didn't mention the storm at all. The only time he mentioned Atlantic City was in a list of cities that'll get some help with addiction services, ignoring the multiple casino closings that are devastating the town. He didn't say a damn thing about Transportation Trust Fund, which "is virtually broke" and could sure use some tasty gas tax money. And that's on top of all the plans he didn't propose to try to help the state recover like the rest of the nation during the recovery.
In other words, the shorter version of the speech would have been "Fuck you, Jersey. Kiss my jolly ass as I waddle out of here."
New Jersey under Chris Christie sucks so hard that people are leaving the state in droves. If Christie becomes president, you better hope Canada is willing to welcome a bunch of Americans who didn't know what anxiety was until they were led by a jolly, incompetent, corrupt goon.
