According to the NRA, We're Screwed...Right Now

That ominous image up there is the cover of this month's NRA magazine. The magazine is called America's First Freedom, which, if it's referring to owning guns, is just wrong because of the word "second" in the Second Amendment. The article is "The Most Dangerous 700 Days America Has Ever Faced."

You might think, "Well, surely that's referring to a period of time right after we declared independence and fought the Revolutionary War." Or perhaps, "Oh, of course, it's an article about the most violent part of the Civil War." Or "Indeed, the time right after Pearl Harbor was quite trying for our nation." Maybe even "Gosh, I knew things were bad after 9/11, but I didn't realize it was the most dangerous time." Yes, yes, you might try each of those, but, fuck you, you unarmed traitor. That shit is happening now.

Those 700 days (give or take) encompass the last two years of President Barack Obama's term in office post-2014 midterms. Let the motherfucker with the combover of doom, Wayne LaPierre, lay it on the line for you: "If Obama and his allies succeed in their 'transformation' over the next two years, the America we know and love may cease to exist." Why? Because he's gonna take away the guns. The guns, goddamnit. Obama's coming after them, even though, as LaPierre admits, in the last six years, "the Second Amendment is the only freedom that has expanded while others have retreated."

Don't you get it? Obama's been playing the long game. He put on hold all his devious machinations to walk into your home and rip the rifle from you cold, dead hand. Sure, he's never actually talked about doing that or done anything at all other than suggest a few minor regulations that wouldn't affect the vast majority of gun owners. And, even though the NRA was sure that, right after his reelection, Obama was going to unleash the goons, no goons have appeared. But, one supposes, he was waiting until after he lost huge in the midterms. He has no more elections to worry about, they say. So, fuck it, let's get the gun melter going 24/7.

Of course, the whole thing is just a ploy to get you to send more hard-earned money to the NRA (motto: "LaPierre's Rogaine expenses are driving us into the ground"). It even gives you a pat on the back, faithful NRA members: "In the end, we're the only ones on which freedom can truly count." Which, if you think about the implications of the sentence, is a pretty fuckin' scary thing to say.

"Over the next 700 days, Barack Obama and his gun-hating, freedom-fearing, big-government allies can make profound, toxic, and permanent changes to our country," LaPierre concludes with absolutely no evidence at all (seriously, there's not one fact against Obama in the entire article).

But give the NRA your cash, you dumb yokels, you credulous hicks. It's not like you will actually take a few minutes to see who the liars are.