Ten Other Relatives Mike Huckabee Wants Women to Avoid

Ten Other Relatives Mike Huckabee Wants Women to Avoid:
In his truly weird remarks yesterday, former governor and current talk show host and purveyor of creepy-ass history videos Mike Huckabee said, more or less, that Republicans want to give women more freedom by not paying for contraception because Democrats think women fuck a lot and need contraception provided by the government. Or something. Read the remarks, and you try to figure out what the hell he was saying. But he did use the word "libido," which was disconcerting because it's almost impossible to think of Huckabee all sweaty and horny after a night of praying and tea, telling Mrs. Huckabee to get off her panties 'cause the Mike train is gonna come into the station. (And then having to explain to his wife that the "train" is his penis and the "station" is her vagina and "come" is his cum.)

Even more hilariously, Huckabee called the contraception-giving government "Uncle Sugar," which, as some have pointed out, sounds like either a pimp, a minstrel show character, or a child-molesting clown. That part of Huckabee's speech to the Republican National Committee (motto: "Please, for chrissake, Jeb, run") at its winter meeting went like this: "[T]he Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing or them a prescription each month for birth control." Actually, maybe Uncle Sugar is the best he could come up with for a drug dealer's name, like it was out of an episode of Kojak.

Of course, there's a whole bunch of relatives Huckabee will be warning women about in future speeches and fundraising letters:

1. Grandpa Orgasm

2. Aunt Single Mom

3. Cousin Chester

4. Big Mama Food Stamps

5. Brother Condom

6. Stepfather Obamacare

7. Sister Choice

8. Anderson Cooper

9. Stem Cell, Junior

10. Daughter Sex Education