Hey, wow, look at that. It's cold outside in the United States. So cold that if you haven't dried properly after showering and getting dressed, your scrotum will freeze to your thigh. Yeah, it's really fucking cold, as it will be for another day. What that means in the grand scheme of things is that everyone you know will write something clever on Twitter, like "Polar vortex? I thought that was Sarah Palin's vagina;" they'll get on Instagram and post photos of ice doing icy things; and another bunch of fucknuts take to Facebook to declare that the fact that they had to wear longjohns is proof that "global warming" is a hoax or some such shit.
You can't do anything about the first two groups. But that last one? Tell 'em that it's called "global" because it means the entire motherfucking globe. And then tell 'em to suck on a kangaroo's sweaty dong:
Most Americans need to be told that that's Australia and that the temperatures listed there are in Celsius. That means the 50 degrees C is 122 degrees here. Temperature, not heat index or whatever they wanna make up to make it seem hotter or colder. It's so fucking hot in Australia that they had to come up with new colors for the map. It's so fucking hot in Australia that you can't use your iPhone. Because it's too fucking hot.
2013 was the hottest year on record, kicking the ass of the old record, which was 20-fucking-12. Not only that, but the temperatures in Australia are hotter than have ever been recorded there. And unlike our punk-ass two days of arctic cold here, the heat wave in Australia, especially in the states of Queensland and New South Wales, has lasted since December 27. That's two weeks of heat that'll singe off a koala's dick. (First person who makes a "shrimp on the barbie" joke gets a punch in the goolies.)
This is not to mention the fires everywhere. And the dead bats. It's pretty much Armageddon down under.
So today, when your co-worker or your aunt tries to tell you about how stupid climate change is or forwards you some ludicrous denialist email from World Net Daily or whatever, send 'em some wallaby jerky and tell 'em they didn't even use an oven to make it. Then maybe explain that a single weather event demonstrates nothing. But years of heat are a pattern. And patterns...you know what? Fuck it. Just throw some hot water on them and ask them if they feel better now.
(Note: This could also have been about Argentina.)
